Growing up - Counseling - Moving on

The road is a little bumpy right now for me emotionally.  I decided to go to counseling just to see where I am at and maybe get an objective opinion to see where to go from here.

Having a brush with my ex only hours after making my first appointment felt like a sign from the universe that getting outside help is a good idea.  Truthfully nothing great has happened to me in the November - February months all the bad anniversaries and lurking around in my subconscious and conscious making me feel flat.

The first session was a getting to know session and we talked a little about my isolated and neglected childhood.  I haven't really talked to anyone about this because we think of my mother as a saint. What was said was that she was a strict disciplinarian who was fighting for her life and I stayed out of sight because it felt safer. 

We came to another conclusion in our second session that this is why I prefer to be in the background of all my relationships as well as my work life. It feels safer for me to do what needs to be done without drawing attention to myself. 

I guess I never really related this to my childhood.  I was for sure a strong willed child and received the punishment that went along with that. I just learned how to work around the system and accept the punishment when I got caught.  Eventually though I disappeared to my solitude in the basement to make things better for everyone else and myself. 

Every relationship after that reinforced this idea of putting the needs of others before my own. Not really asking for anything I actually needed.  It was enough to see other people happy. The problem with this is that you eventually feel empty and unappreciated. You have have taught the people around you to expect "you" to take care of everything. 

What is it that they say "an empty vessel has nothing to pour" I have ignored my neediness with most people because I have felt I was too much.  This is what I got from those early years is that I am a burden and I better make up for it by contributing as much as possible.

I have to bring this up again a woman that worked with me a long time ago bought her self a sandwich.  She appeared at my desk with a plate with a half of sandwich and some chips. I spontaneously started crying. 

Being starved for someone to think about my needs is why I end up in relationships where I am the star until the novelty wears off.  It is the same type of person over and over so I have learned not to trust myself and meet my own needs. Seeing my ex an being invisible once again really has messed with my head. It feels like everyone has moved on but me. 

Maybe this is the universe coming together to help me move on. Right now most of my relationships are based on people paying me to help them get what they want. I am comfortable with that and hold no resentment. If I am invisible I have done my job and there is tangible evidence.  I know I have a lot of growth ahead but for the moment this is where I am. 

Is this true? A child's reality - Where did this thought come from?

 It was a hectic week and I felt pretty overwhelmed and by Thursday I was laying in bed not wanting to go to work. This only happens to me when I can't get everything done fast enough or don't know how to solve certain problems my clients. Luckily I love what I do so this is rare.  

I combat this apathy by telling myself I can come home after my floor time or after the meeting. This never happens because once I am engaged with the now instead the fears in my head it isn't so scary. It is funny that I have to trick myself to get past the fear or dread that tries to control me. 

I think of this as the little child in me who says "I don't want to go to school". I then put my big pants on and just get out there and do something.  The mind was built in our childhood the first six years we were taught all the tools we needed to interact with the world around us. 

If this wasn't a stable nurturing time, did anybody get that, our interpretation of what we were taught can be skewed pretty badly from reality. Since I have been writing about my own childhood I can see the message I received was that I was a real problem and that I needed to keep quiet. It was important that I be invisible as much as possible. 

I am sure this wasn't intentional but with my mother sick the grownups were trying to manage the situation at hand. The good news for me is that I have used that talent to stay under the radar and do what I wanted in my life mostly without asking for permission. The drawback is that no one sees just what I have accomplished. I have been conditioned to just do things for my own satisfaction and the satisfaction of the customer now.  

This trait did cost me my career in the mortgage world because I made my job look easy and they thought anyone could do it. I was let go without notice and my job given to a friend of my boss. In the end nobody could do what I had done and they had to sell the whole division.  He did make amends later by giving my name to someone that paid me a ton of money to do that same job from home. This paid for my design degree and more.

What he didn't know is that I had been there from the beginning when there was only three of us. When I left there was 70 and what I did was like breathing to me. I just came in and did my job every day without looking for a pat on the back. It never occurred to me that I needed to promote myself that would seem like bragging but in the corporate world it is necessary. I was too busy doing the work to do that.  

This event changed the course of my life and I ended up in a field doing what I love. We are pretty independent a combination of contractor and employee. It is the perfect combination for me since I am self motivated and happy to do whatever it takes to get the job done.  

I will say that finding out my mother was sick a year earlier than I thought helps me to see that I was shaped more by her illness than I thought. This isn't to wallow in the past but it helps me to understand why I think I am a burden to other people. I can know that this idea is a child's idea and not based on fact. I can see it was just fall out from the my mother's cancer and the people around her trying to cope. 

One final thing in writing here and about my past helps my brain to sort things out. I think this is the mind always working towards healing the parts that feel broken instead of pushing them down. I am always asking myself "is this thought true?" or have I been wrong about this for a long time.  

Child's Perspective - Past Revisited

I was watching "Field of Dreams" last night.  I can't seem to pass it up when I am surfing the channels and see it there.  I always cry at the end when he plays catch with his dad.  They parted ways early in life and he has the opportunity to see his dad a younger man with hopes and dreams like himself.  I always think wouldn't that be great to have a do over with my own dad.

My dad has been gone more than a decade now and wasn't the kind of person that thought too much about the feelings of other people.  He was a kind man and willing to do just about anything anyone ask him to do without complaint.  He rarely got mad unless you did something that he thought wasn't godly or if you said you didn't want to go to church. He never disciplined us and left that to my mother.

I woke up this morning a little sad and thinking a little too much about my life. Wishing that my life had turned out differently.  After my mother died I never like I belonged anywhere.  When my dad remarried I had to earn my right to be there and ended up like Cinderella with a string of chores that had to be done including babysitting my little sister full time so my stepmother could be free to do what she wanted.  I took this idea of earning my place in every relationship since then. This is why I am so successful in work.

With my dad I always wanted him to show me that I was important to him. He never called me and when I called him once a year for his birthday he would put me on hold several times when the call waiting clicked. He never ask me about my life or even where I was living.  Ironically have I repeated this same relationship over and over in my life. Even with my past friendships they have been with people that if I disappeared it would never occur to anyone to call me and find out what is going on.

I feel really good most days now and very autonomous.  I am spending time with people who seem to want me around and the give and take is more equal. I am a strong person but I don't want to be the only person keeping a relationship going anymore.  I am willing to let the people go in my life that really are only interested in what I can do for them.

I can see that I have have spent my life trying to get over the past.  I can also see that I did this from a child's point of view.  I was wounded and just wanting to feel like someone cared about me. My story has dominated my life and kept me from reaching out. Life goes on and people are busy with their own stories and do not have time to think about me.  I am grown up now and I am reaching out. 

I am taking a vacation at the end of the month.  I am going to visit a friend from childhood.  We reconnected after her mother's death a few years ago and talk every week on the phone.  I am also going to stay a few days with dad's sister.  Over the years she has kept in contact with me.  My cousins live in the same area and I am going to see if they would like to get together.

Part of me feels this reaching out is too late but if I am rejected then I am no worse off than I was before.  I know that my life is the way it is because I was lost in my own pain and stayed busy to avoid facing the feelings I had of not being worthy of love.  Really because I didn't love myself. 

I also know that I am like my own dad in a lot of ways happy to do the next thing and not thinking too much about the feelings of others just getting the job done.

My dad's family keep to themselves.  Not like my mother's family with drama after drama.  They are quiet and autonomous never complaining never asking for help.  I am like them good sturdy genes staying away from drama of any kind. I hope this will be a good visit I really need to get away and looking forward to it. 

12 steps - Sickness - Resentments

How does the program work?  I am questioning this today because I am feeling powerless over my friend and his very slow recovery. I feel guilty because I can't swoop in and save him and even more guilty that I really don't want to be his savior or any ones savior anymore.

The program is about deciding first that you have a problem and your powerless over it - then believing that some where out there or in here is a power greater than ourselves can fix this and turning it over to that power - Here is the tricky part deciding what is our part in the situation - then admitting it to ourselves and then someone else - then rolling around in it for awhile just getting use to the idea that we have a problem and we really do want to do something about it - after we are willing to give up get past the resistance and denial finally asking for the problem to be taken from us - deciding who we have hurt in the process and then going to  them and asking for forgiveness - being mature and staying current with our daily wrongs being honest with ourselves and others when we slip up - asking for guidance everyday and actually listening for an answer - living life being the best we can be and hoping that by doing so will inspire others to do the same.

How is that for my version of the 12 steps?  I feel powerless for sure in this situation and I know the program tells us that the ones closest to us are the least likely to help us when we are lost. This is why our best friend can say something a million times and we never hear it and then a stranger comes along and says the same thing and we think they are brilliant. We reject the truth from the people that love us because we don't want them to be right.

Being sick is hard and brings out the worst in us and we want to be rescued.  We want some adult to come along and feed us and tuck us in and give us permission to watch cartoons all day. Make our favorite foods and be the center of attention for as long as possible. This works when we have a cold and we are ten and we recover quickly and go back to school in a few days.

It isn't the same when we are adults first we don't have our moms with us and our friends have lives of there own. If we don't have a significant other and even if we do we have to find a way to love and take care of ourselves the way we would take care of our own child. It is a test of sorts " do I love myself enough to do what it takes to get better?" 

I understand this because just like my friend I was alone without children and my extended family was indifferent to me when I got sick.  I was the doer in my peer group and I thought in a crisis they would be there for me but my sickness went on too long and my neediness made everyone run from me just like I am running from my friend. He was the first to jump ship at that time and this is one of the reasons I don't feel obligated to become his full time caretaker. I know this is petty and I am wrestling with my feelings and resisting being the adult at this time..

We are alone in this world no one up there in our heads but us even though sometimes there is a whole committee just making things more complicated. We have to use what we have learned to dig deep to find the courage to love ourselves through it all even if we don't feel like the people around us love or care for us. We are certainly worthy of our own love and God's love our existence proves this.

My own recovery took a long time because I based my worth on what other people thought about me. The love of my life (I thought at the time) had rejected me, the recession made me a failure at work and my friends abandoned me when I stopped being the person they wanted me to be. Based on these facts I was unlovable and unworthy of being alive. In my mind I added no value being here.

I found grace and over time I started to love myself enough to take care of myself. The grace came in the form of clarity.  Seeing that my own thoughts made me hate myself thinking that I was not lovable and I had the evidence to prove it. No one was there.  The truth I was there just like I had been since the beginning.  The higher me waiting for the little me to give up and let go and start again.

My friends lack of interest in his own recovery is a sign that there is a deeper problem. It is also a physical problem caused by his brain starving for nutrition. I doesn't want eat enough to put on weight and has a very limited number of foods he is even willing to try. Reluctantly I am the adult in the room at this time. Maybe.

Looking for my mother - All grown up

It is a friend of mine is having a birthday tomorrow someone I have known a long time and I was once very close to.  Maybe the closest thing to a mother I have had. Our relationship has been different now since I had to go out on my own and learn to heal myself. I couldn't act like the the person I was before because that person does not exist.  I did try for a while because I felt bad that I was losing another person who represented a milestone in my life.

When I entered the program I met a lot of people that were all suffering and going through some of worst times in their lives.  We were all babies in the program and children looking for a safe place to land and someone to comfort us instead of us being the comforters.

She did this for us she cooked and made all our favorite foods it seemed for me the way I imagined my own mother would have done if she had lived.  She was a mother to us an in turn we were obedient children and did what she told us to do. When she said show up we did.  I imagine this is what having a mother would also be like.

I think the way we depended on her made her feel she was needed. In my last relationship I played the same part she did.  I took care things and made sure everyone had what they needed and felt safe and secure when I was around. The very thing I was longing for.

I enjoyed this role for a long time but towards the end it felt forced and the people I did for took my presence for granted. No one ask me to do this it was what I needed. I was trying to feel the void that was left in me after my own mother died.  I was trying to heal that part of me that didn't feel safe.

I know now that no one can keep you safe even if you have the best mother in the world life isn't safe. Things happen and you have to find a way to dig deep down and trust that you are going to be alright. It is good to have friends that comfort you but in the end no one can fill that void but you.

If we are lucky we grow up and learn that we must save ourselves and find our own inner happiness. This wasn't easy for me because I believed I had something permanently missing from inside of me. Something I would never be able to heal I thought I was damaged goods.  This was the lie I told myself and it affected every choice I made.  All the time I had the power to heal myself.

I know now this was the path I had to take because I took it.  Every choice was right for me and my own growth.  I wasn't born lacking in any way and my spirit was trying to find its way back to the freedom I was born with. To live life un-afraid and willing to accept that life changes and people change and we can either adapt or live in constant fear of what is next.

Happy birthday to my friend and thank you for the years you took care of all of us. We are all grown now but we still love and respect you for all that you did for us so many years ago.

Letting go - One box at a time

You know you are only ready when you are ready. I spent the the day going through boxes and getting rid of things.  It started this morning after I took a ride on my recently resurrected beach bike. I guess the exercise gave me the energy boost I needed to tackle a few other things.

I usually have to trick myself into tackling all day projects. I do this by committing to some small project and then letting it morph into something that takes all day and today it was no different. Today I decided to change the lock on the basement door.  I bought a new lock a few weeks ago after my key kept getting stuck. It was the last of the polished brass knobs left in the house.

I had to kill a fat spider living in the hole where the latch is received. After the death of the spider I quickly finished the installation and was admiring my work when I started looking around. Everything there was covered with dust and spider webs and smelled of mold.

I remembered having such dreams for the this house. I imagined all the great things that would happen here.  So many possibilities  I had dreams of sharing it with someone. I thought at least it would be filled with friends.  I couldn't know what was headed my way or that I would have to create another dream for myself.

Today I decided to clean up the basement. I went through most of the boxes that have been storage there since my roommate move in an then out. I haven't been able to get rid of anything from the past because I wasn't sure who I would become or if the person who liked those things would appear again some day and want her stuff.

I am getting the idea now that she is gone forever. She really did like crafts. Candle making, glass tile mosaics, printing and even a box of stencils with brushes and paints.

I also found boxes of dishes my aunt gave me. I was in my late 20's when she offered me the dishes with tiny pink roses on them.  The edges had are silver plated. They had some chips but I thought they were beautiful and since she was never too generous in life I was thrilled she would give them to me. It made me feel special.

I cherished all things that represented family to me.  I had lost mine and was looking to surround myself with anything that belonged to my family.  After my grandmother died I had a house full of her furniture including a piano.

Over the years I have let go of most of those things including the piano. I didn't realize I still had those dishes.  I thought "what girl would think those dishes were to be cherished?" I think girl is the operative word here.  I have been a girl most of my life looking for something I had lost.

At least now I know I am not a girl anymore. I also know now that none of these physical things can satisfy me. I am not interested in crafts anymore but I still interested in transformations of any kind.

I have transformed myself and my house many times.  I also make a living transforming the spaces of other people.  I feel pretty satisfied with my life today and feel good about letting go of the the girl I use to be one box at at time.

Family Fun

I am driving to Atlanta tomorrow for a family Christmas dinner on my dad's side. I have been invited over the years but never went because I couldn't face the situation with my dad. Ironically now that he is gone I am attending for the first time.

In the past I didn't feel I could act like everything was just great and besides my step-mother was always their too. Too much to deal with and not really worth it. She might be there this time but now that I have found my adult self I can handle it.

She is really the final frontier for me. She was a mean an insecure person and her own daughters have issues with her. She planted some bad seeds in me about my looks and I can't imagine what it would be like to have her as your real mother.

Letting go of veiwing life from a child's perspective has freed me. I don't feel anyone owes me anything anymore. My happiness is my own responsibility. The child in me will only be used for playing from now on. No more longing for acknowledgement or waiting for someone to decide if I am worthy of love.

The void in me is gone for the most part, I never thought that was possible. I realize now that I will never get what that child wanted because the time has passed for that. I didn't get it because the people I wanted it from weren't capable of giving to me. My longing for it has held back. I have repeated it over and over with different relationships with the same results.

I have replaced that longing with love for myself. I have become that encouraging praising parent that I needed all those years. I am kind to that child within me and refrain from constantly criticizing myself like I did in the past. This has slowly helped me heal some pretty deep scars and I have moved on.

I stayed stuck because I couldn't see that I didn't need their approval I needed my own approval. Somewhere deep inside I didn't think I was worth loving. I had to earn love and I did, but it never lasted. When it was gone I blamed myself and knew there was something wrong with me. I was unlovable.

So I am a new person going to spend time with my long lost family. They have been there all the time I just felt more comfortable on the outside. I am sure it will be fun and the food will be good.

Self Awareness - I can save myself from myself

I have written several new post since my last entry apparently they were just for me because I decided to pitch them. I remember and old comedian that would tell a bad joke and say I just threw that one in for myself.

I wanted to share about something I discovered that I read from a book on personality types. But when I started writing it became too wordy, imagine me too wordy, so I decided to give it a rest.

I have always been passionate about self-discovery and started my search at 13 with Linda Goodmans Sun Signs. In my pentecostal family this might as well have been a how to book on devil worship. I hid my book, purchased in secret with my own money, under the mattress of my bed. Of course I was caught and punished immediately. This just fueled my desire for another one, what a surprise.

My most recent discovery, about a 1,000 self help books later is on Enneagrams. As I read about myself The Artist introverted, self absorbed (my words) and constantly looking for reasons why I am the way I am I had an awakening. It gave versions of healthy, average and unhealthy. Unhealthy was when a person turns inward and retreats to find answers and becomes lost and isolated. Despair sets in and they feel there is no turning back. They start beating themselves up when they realize they created the mess they are in.

It also said this personality developed in this way because as a child they did not relate to either parent. Because of this they created their own world and had to discover who they were on their own using their imagination. Basically they live there, this sounded familiar to me. This ultimately set up a pattern of going inward for resolution instead of seeking outside sources for feedback.

You might think, what is the big deal? Lately I have been headed down a darker road and I couldn't understand why. I just can't function. Nothing has really changed. My life isn't fun but so what it has been worse. The phrase that made something click was, once they start to turn away from others they are going the wrong way.

It is a habit created by necessity as a kid living with dysfunction compounded by the death of my mother. I can see it now and choose something different even if it feels completely counter intuitive. I can save myself from myself.

So I am getting back out there. I will have to see what I can find to occupy my mind in more healthy ways. I am not a puzzle to be solved. I don't regret my nine months away but it has served its purpose and I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life.

I went with a friend yesterday to the movies and then for a walk on the beach. We finished the day at Cracker Barrel. I went home and worked on some long over due paperwork.