I See You! - Being invisible

It has been a time of movement for me in ways that it is hard to wrap my mind around. I think it stems from just being ready.  I hate that you can't move on until the time is right no matter how bad you want to at least that is my experience.

I am seeing a new counselor even though when I made the appointment I really couldn't imagine what value this could add to my life. I definitely believe in therapy but I wanted to move away from my past and not have to rehash it again. When my ex walked through door an hour later I knew this was divine intervention. 

What I didn't expect was that she agreed with my decision to move away from most of the people in my life. Pointing out that these people did not support you the way you have supported them and it was an act of self love to move away from them. She pointed out that I haven't picked well and have attracted the same type of person over and over and that I deserved and needed more. 

I knew this but I have felt guilty but not enough to go back to those relationships.  Choosing to stay alone for the most part since no company is better than the drain and loneliness of being invisible. It isn't anyone's fault in the program it is said "trying to get bread from a hardware store". 

Starting with my own family ignoring me for as long as I remember and me thinking that was normal. I learned to take care of my own needs and to be autonomous. I learned early that attracting attention could backfire and you could never expect positive feedback. Keep your head down and just keep moving.

My stepmother reinforced this because when I was seen I was a target.  I learn to be even more invisible to avoid causing my daddy more more sadness since he had been through enough. 

I have been content to be invisible and no one minded as long as I was taking care of their needs and asking for nothing in return. I was happy to play that role until I felt dead inside even if I what I really wanted was to be seen. I wanted someone to say "thank you". 

There are perks for being invisible you don't have to take the shots that super stars have have to take. In my mind I really thought it was better to give than to receive. I preferred to be in pain than to have someone else suffer. 

I didn't know that until now I didn't dare to think I deserved to be thanked to have someone in my life say "hey I see what you are doing over there". Those aren't the people I picked but I did pick those that were like my family distant and not nurturing.

I have to say right now that I have fallen for those who have seen me no matter what their motives were.  A hand full of people that noticed what I brought to the table and were happy to at least a first acknowledge my existence. Being noticed felt like love to me,

I never believed I was valuable and tied my self worth to whether people loved me or not.  I knew that the more I did for others it seemed that they loved me more.  I knew that it wouldn't last because I knew I was not enough and they would see that. 

I believed that this was my fault that people couldn't love me. It never occurred to me that I have surrounded myself with the same person in different forms. It felt familiar some form of my parents love based on my level of contribution. 

This week I told someone that I was proud of myself for not letting my ex encounter rock my world. She said "well the fact you are telling me about it means that isn't true" I think this sums up the people in my life pretty well. They are not happy so they do not want anyone else to be happy either. Another trip to the hardware store for bread. 

She is another person who has never been seen and still does a lot for people who have no idea the effort it takes to support so many people without being noticed. She would never acknowledge that she would like to be seen. She rejects kind gestures because they aren't from the most important ones in her life. 

I spent the afternoon with my ex-mother-in-law this week.  She saw me because she is another invisible person working behind the scenes. We had a great visit and we couldn't stop talking. I felt so happy the next day my counselor said I seemed like a different person.  I knew it was because of that encounter with another person like me.

I spontaneously took the week off because I felt I need a rest. It isn't easy in my business but sometime you just got to do it.  With my work I am seen a lot but I get paid for it so I am not looking to be seen. 

I am going make an effort to start seeing the unseen.  I see them all because I am one them.