I feel great this time of year with the sunny days and the hope of new beginnings. I heard a speaker this morning that took me back to my own core beliefs about life and how to succeed where other people fail. It is about "the story I tell myself".
I have written about this many times but I sometimes forget about the power of this idea and fall back into to the limitations of my own beliefs or the the words that other people have used to put me where they wanted or thought I should be.
I know as children we are sponges and think the words of grown ups are true. They are the Gods in our lives and they have all the power. Everything they say we think is absolutely true and if even as adults we can see the lies but their words still linger just below the surface.
If you have a family like mine life is about survival and that is the best you can hope for is to keep your head down and just survive. This was my family culture even more so after my mother got sick. I can't remember there ever being joy in my home. If you weren't accomplishing something or doing God's work saving people you were idol and that wasn't acceptable.
I was a watcher from an early age my dad said that even before I could speak I was constantly looking around like I was studying the room. My mother did schedule family time like game night but she never seemed to laugh or enjoy those moments. The summers were my best memories being set loose to spend the day outside until all the other kids went in to dinner forcing me to go home.
My mother taught us to be independent and I was happy that no one cared about where I was or what I was doing. She was sick and trusted me to not do anything dangerous. She knew I was a leader and not a follower and Jesus kept me from being too bad. My life wasn't like other kids lives I made my own way and by time she passed I was 11 and I knew I was on my own.
This is where the story of me started. I am alone and it is better if you don't ask for anything and just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I am a highly analytical person and weighed the facts of my circumstance and determined I could to take care of myself.
This has proved to be true with only a few breaking through and only because they were persistent and wore me down. I laughingly call them stalkers mainly because once I did let them in they were looking for another challenge. I learned that once you let someone in they really don't care about you. Sad I know.
The intensity of those relationships felt great to feel like a star in the bright lights even if it was only for a short time. I didn't attract normal healthy people because I wouldn't notice them because I was isolated and independent focusing on surviving. Who could survive that except an obsessed stalker with no boundaries.
What is my point? The story of my past doesn't have to be my story going forward. I am not dead yet am I? My story is comfortable to me it is what I know and it is what I have lived in my head over and over and it feels like the truth of who I am.
I am taking steps to create a new story for myself looking for healthier more positive relationships. I am a survivor but I want to live each day not in survival mode but with anticipation and joy. If I have a bad day I can begin again at any moment and choose again as many times as it takes.
I have had periods of standing still and those times were necessary for my journey. I have found those times gave me the ability to see how my thinking was wrong. I am scared to make changes but I want to rewrite my story and be brave no matter what life brings my way. I am only limited by the story I tell myself everyday.
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