Looking for my mother - All grown up

It is a friend of mine is having a birthday tomorrow someone I have known a long time and I was once very close to.  Maybe the closest thing to a mother I have had. Our relationship has been different now since I had to go out on my own and learn to heal myself. I couldn't act like the the person I was before because that person does not exist.  I did try for a while because I felt bad that I was losing another person who represented a milestone in my life.

When I entered the program I met a lot of people that were all suffering and going through some of worst times in their lives.  We were all babies in the program and children looking for a safe place to land and someone to comfort us instead of us being the comforters.

She did this for us she cooked and made all our favorite foods it seemed for me the way I imagined my own mother would have done if she had lived.  She was a mother to us an in turn we were obedient children and did what she told us to do. When she said show up we did.  I imagine this is what having a mother would also be like.

I think the way we depended on her made her feel she was needed. In my last relationship I played the same part she did.  I took care things and made sure everyone had what they needed and felt safe and secure when I was around. The very thing I was longing for.

I enjoyed this role for a long time but towards the end it felt forced and the people I did for took my presence for granted. No one ask me to do this it was what I needed. I was trying to feel the void that was left in me after my own mother died.  I was trying to heal that part of me that didn't feel safe.

I know now that no one can keep you safe even if you have the best mother in the world life isn't safe. Things happen and you have to find a way to dig deep down and trust that you are going to be alright. It is good to have friends that comfort you but in the end no one can fill that void but you.

If we are lucky we grow up and learn that we must save ourselves and find our own inner happiness. This wasn't easy for me because I believed I had something permanently missing from inside of me. Something I would never be able to heal I thought I was damaged goods.  This was the lie I told myself and it affected every choice I made.  All the time I had the power to heal myself.

I know now this was the path I had to take because I took it.  Every choice was right for me and my own growth.  I wasn't born lacking in any way and my spirit was trying to find its way back to the freedom I was born with. To live life un-afraid and willing to accept that life changes and people change and we can either adapt or live in constant fear of what is next.

Happy birthday to my friend and thank you for the years you took care of all of us. We are all grown now but we still love and respect you for all that you did for us so many years ago.

Birthday - Doing my best

Today is my birthday and I am off so of course this leads me to extra reflection. I am asking myself am I happy is this where I want to be?  I was looking forward to my birthday probably for the first time in a long time.

The recent years past I have be sad or at best indifferent to them. This year I felt a little more interested in the celebrating of me until I got a letter attached to an email at work. A customer sent me a five page letter outlining all the things she didn't like about me.

I could go into a long explanation but at this point at this place it doesn't really matter.  We didn't actually even do the job so all this was based on her pre-sale opinion. I didn't take it personally but it has made second guess myself so maybe I did take it a little personal.  I haven't decided whether I will respond or not.

When I met them I thought how they reminded me of customers from my previous job. The kind that needed a lot of one on one attention which in the past I was able to provide. We charged more and had fewer jobs but here the volume is high and I am working 60 hours a week just to keep up.

I didn't think we were a good fit but I decided to just do my best and roll with it. I never know what to do when this happens.

Anyway this has put a damper on my birthday. I am telling myself I should have taken better care of them met their every need. She had been planning this bathroom for 12 years and her expectations were high. Living in the her story.

I know I can't control the thoughts or feelings of others but it still hurts. I will look at my own part in this and do better next time.  I always do my best even if it isn't always good enough for everyone.

Today I am meeting my friends at some one's house and we are making dinner followed by chocolate cake and coconut ice cream.  What more could you ask for?