Al-Anon - Cleaning house

I am home for the second day of my weekend.  I didn't even bother to pack up my computer in case I had a work emergency. I have been doing the ordinary things that one does in life like cleaning and laundry.  I have to admit that during my depression I got out of the habit of regular anything most less cleaning.  

When I lived with addiction cleaning was what I did while I waited for my love to have that last drink and come home. I would get calls every hour saying "I am leaving right now" this was before I even knew I was dealing with addiction.  I thought if he loved me he would rather be with me than out drinking with his friends.  I blamed myself for his behavior I was never a happy person in those days I had found my happiness in him and I knew I was losing him which made me so controlling.  

Everything was the same as it had been before but for some reason he was staying away more and more. I tried to be prettier and keep the house clean.  I tried not to nag him about not coming home but I did try to find out what it was about me that was keeping him away.  Desperation is so attractive.

I was so young then in my early twenties trying to create the family I felt I missed out on in my life. I wanted stability and love so I latched on to someone who said they wanted the same thing.  I didn't know the strength of addiction and I had built my self-esteem around the fact that this fabulous person loved me so I must be really special. Everybody did love him all he had to do is enter the room and the sun came out.

I was losing and I blamed myself.  I knew if I tried hard enough I could solve this puzzle and things could go back to the way they were before I just had to keep trying. You know how this ends and for me I was lucky because it ended with a beginning.  I started my spiritual journey in Al-Anon.

I thought I was alone with all those desperate thoughts in my mind.  I thought I was alone with my schemes to control him to make this marriage work. What I found out was that my situation was mild in comparison to what others had suffered.  I cried after my first meeting because I didn't feel so alone anymore I could begin to stop blaming myself for everything.

By then he had left me for someone else so I never had to practice what I had learned with active alcoholism. What I did get to do is see my actual part in the drama of my life.  I could see just how much of my own power I had handed over to this person if they didn't love me then I was unlovable. I wish I could say I haven't repeated this exercise again and again in the years that have passed since then. 

It is okay because I have learned enough not to go there for too long. I have had to learn to love myself whether anyone loves me or not.  I am loved but it is conditionally even my love for myself is conditional.  Only the God of my understanding can offer me anything else. 

Today I am finishing my cleaning for no other reason than to do what needs to be done.  I am a little on the sad side today and I am wishing I had someone to share my life with not just anyone but someone that I could have a healthy relationship with.  Maybe someone to share these chores. Tomorrow I will be back in the thick of things and this day will be a memory. I better get back to my cleaning.  al

Getting rid of excess - From the inside out.

Since I have awakened from my slumber it has occurred to me that I am behind. I really want to get my life in order. I have done the spiritual part and now I need to tackle the physical world.

It seems everything needs to either cleaned or fixed or thrown out. I was looking at my clothes and thinking, have I really been wearing this stuff? Everything is dingy and worn and the whites aren't exactly white anymore. Where have I been and just how long was I gone? It is hard to believe I am really back for good this time.

I am also working on cleaning a organizing the showroom and office. I went in on Sunday to tackle my office and one display. I am clearing out the almost 40 years of accumulated stuff. The former owner never threw anything away. Everything has the potential to be re-purposed. I get that I am like to re-purpose things myself. But some things are just trash.

We have a huge attic full of scraps and old cabinets. Once while he was on vacation we took two dumpster full of stuff out. Moved the newer stuff to the front. He never noticed. I felt bad for about a second then got over it.

I was feeling a little bit like a martyr on Sunday but it was my choice and since I have been asleep so long it feels good to just work hard. I was exhausted Sunday night and had some aches and pains. I took yesterday off and decided not to have any agenda.

I made a big pot of soup with dumplings and invited a friend over for a quick meal. I knew he was headed to a class and wouldn't stay too long. I wanted to be alone and enjoy being awake in my new house. I am so happy to myself again and to be comfortable alone. I can't really say my old self because that person is gone I am really a new and improved version.

I not scared or scarred anymore. I feel light as a feather and stronger than ever. When your walking through the dessert you aren't really sure just how long the journey is and since it all looks the same you can't image there is an end. But I am here to tell you to just hang in there nothing last forever.

I feel gratitude and abundance today. Since I surrendered the work situation I have had non-stop customer. Sunday while I was working I turned the open light on and a couple came in that needs a new kitchen. I looked pretty grungy but they didn't seem to mind.

Life is good.

Who lives here? - Food fight

Yesterday started out interesting while preparing Alton Browns "Chocolate Lava Muffins" I was putting the sugar away and the whole shelf fell with four quarts of spaghetti sauce on it.

The sauce went everywhere and before I could get to it my blind dog had her head in it. Never underestimate the will power of a dog, even if their blind, to get to food quickly. She is sporting some red ears for the holiday. I had to act quick because I was already late for dinner at my friends house. I scooped up the sauce with the dust pan and threw everything else in the sink. About that time my neighbor,the one with the dogs, decided to bring over some Christmas treats. At that point I was still in my bathrobe but I somehow managed to make it to dinner on time OK maybe ten minutes late.

When I got home last night my kitchen looked like scene from a frat party food fight. I started cleaning and the thought occurred to me, when did I ever buy spaghetti sauce? I honestly couldn't remember ever even buying it. They expired in 2009 so I am guessing just after I moved. I decided I better look at all the packaged food and discovered a lot of things I didn't know I had. Marsh mellow fluff, what would I use that for? Maybe someone else has been living here besides me.

I am joking of course but the spaghetti sauce incident has spurred some serious cleaning today. I feel like I am moving into my winter cabin. You know like in the movies when they go to the cabin for the first time at the beginning of the season. Everything is dirty and covered and by the end of the movie it is all cheerful an happy. Everything looks like me but its like I am seeing it for the first time in a long time.

Taking this week off will give me time to get my house in order. In some strange way I feel like something is on its way. Something good I can't really explain it but I trust my instincts, just not my shopping skills.

I am starting to trust that I am really back this time. I haven't had a dip in my mood even with all this holiday stuff. I am grateful to be back and looking forward to life's next big adventure.