30 years - Living without applause

I found the new person crying in her office today.  She was hired after me to assist the designers and eventually become a sales person.  The person that is responsible for training her has been acting like her buddy and now he is telling everyone she is incompetent. He keeps telling her to do one thing one day and then saying he didn't the next. He told her today that she will probably be fired soon.

This kind of treatment makes me so crazy.  I think it is because it reminds me of when my step mother played head games with me. Changing the rules constantly and pretending to be my friend one minute and punishing me the next.  Her behavior made me think I was going crazy.

I learned early in life that there are people that just don't play nice. They get a lot of pleasure out of playing with peoples emotions and creating drama where there doesn't need to be any.  Your best defense is to not react then they get bored and move on to someone else. You can show no weakness or the game continues.

With my stepmother I thought if I was only good enough I could please her. I would do everything perfectly and then she would see how wonderful I was and love me. My perfection worked sometimes and sometimes it didn't which made it even more confusing for me and made me try even harder.

What I learned from my experience with my stepmother  made me a perfect match for my favorite alcoholic. It set up a pattern of me trying to do everything right while living with someone that was my biggest fan one day and my worse critic the next. It produced the same results as before I thought I was crazy.

I married that man 30 years ago today. It lasted nine years and reinforce the idea planted by my step mother that I wasn't good enough but I should keep trying that with a little work I could win back their love.

What I know now is what I told my co-worker today. Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself. You feel bad because you think what they are saying is true. Believing what someone says about you good or bad is a mistake because it is their opinion and opinions change.

We give the people in our lives the power to define use with their opinions. If they love us all the time then all is well if they don't then we feel lost and unsure of ourselves. We spend our lives looking for some one's approval and we depending on whether we get it or not determines our happiness.

The answer for me today is to just do my best and live with the consequences. A life without applause just me doing the right thing for me and leaving it at that.  If I accept the applause then I have to accept the criticism and I am just not that interested in either any more.

Mixing the past and present - It is not my problem

The truth as I see it today. I came to the office late today because I needed some time to myself. I worked and extra day this week and with this weeks trauma I decided to come in late.

I don't like the position I am in at work and I am feeling resentful that everyone is waiting for me to make a move. Yesterday I thought I should just walk away but decided I should give myself some time to grieve losing my dog before making any rash decisions. This morning I felt better until I got to the office.

The owner comes to me complaining that he has to pay $35.00 to get his drivers license replaced. How unfair it is that he has to have all this identification and how the government is always trying to screw you. He needs his SS card and can he get it on-line? Since he doesn't use a computer it means, can you check that for me? I didn't do it. I wanted to ask him who lost the license, but I didn't.

This has made my blood boil today. Why? Because he never takes responsibility for creating the messes he creates and then expects everyone to feel bad and bail him out. Last week his homeowners insurance was cancelled because he didn't get the repair they requested done by the deadline and then they wouldn't give him an extension. In a Al-Anon slip I got on the phone and talked to the company it didn't work.

This is so familiar this behavior it takes me way back. I don't want to be the hero in any one's life and I got stand my ground. When I went to his house to take pictures of the repair, another slip, he smelled of beer. Another flash from the past.

The difference now is I can see it. His problems are not my problems and if I take them on it is my fault. If I cross back over to the crazy side I do it willingly and not as a victim. I know better than I did in the past. I am not really expecting him to take any responsibility for the crisis with the business or any other crisis he creates. Today I am doing what is best for me and he will have to accept the consequences of his own actions or maybe not but it is not my problem.

My sponsor said I need a few days off together to grieve and clear my head. She is right it has been a rough week and even though I knew the end was near for my dog it was a loss that I must acknowledge.

This is a test only a test

If this was an actual emergency someone would say so right? Today I woke up feeling positive and hopeful that this period of well, lets just say rest, was coming to an end. I had a couple of postponements of jobs when I got to work. They will happen but apparently not right now.

I am all about not putting things out there not giving words to the fear in my head. I think our words are powerful and can do good when we say good and bring on our intentions when we fall into the trap of lack. So I don't say what I don't want to come to life.

Let me give you an example. The week before I lost my job at the mortgage company I remember turning around and looking at my desk piled high with problems I was suppose to solve and saying out loud, I could walk away from this and never look back. Boom it was over one week from that day. Granted it had been coming on in my heart for a long time. In hind sight a great thing no regrets.

I believe our words and even our thought are powerful so I guard my thoughts and my words. This may sound crazy so take what you like and leave the rest.

The power of positive thinking and sometimes the power of negative thinking can change things. I know all things work together for those that expect it to work together. I can't see the beyond the frame of the lens I am viewing through today. My limited view will be seen from a different vantage point in the future. I will look back and see how the pieces all fell together. I can't think of one thing in my life that didn't lead me to exactly where I am now. Isn't that true for everyone.

This is a test only a test if this was and actual emergency I would be told to what to do. Sometimes it seems like an emergency but for today I am letting go and letting God.

UPDATE since original post Just as I was finishing my original post a rep came to visit and spewed forth all negativity. Everything from the total failure of our way of life and who was to blame. I have not recovered yet. UGH.