I am too much. - Feeling and Food

It scares me when I have too much free time. I have worked hard to try to un-clutter my life and do things that feel authentic to me instead of running scared and filling each moment with something.  When I was grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have with the people I thought I would have it with I packed my life with any kind of distraction possible. Only when I stopped did the healing start.

Being on my own has given me the opportunity to really wallow in my aloneness to a point of narcissism some might say but it does have healing power.  While writing about my childhood I was able to see why I get stuck.  It triggered something pretty core to who I am.  It has made me see that since the very beginning I have been too much or at least this is the impression I got somewhere early on. I was ADD and my parents were offered medication which they declined.  Then my mother got a terminal diagnoses of cancer and I was still a hand full.  In my writing I did stay out of the way as much as possible since I knew I was a problem. Spending hours and hours in our basement alone.

Yesterday I was fighting some version of depression.  Not the deep down version I experienced years ago but the kind where you just don't have the desire to do anything in particular and since I have deliberately downsized my life I could go with it.  It felt pretty awful and my negative inside person wanted to run and also point out how this was going to be what the rest of my life looked like so I better get use to it.

I have learned to trust these days and instead of listening too carefully to that voice I decided to get up make myself a healthy dinner that included steak and big salad.  I  then went back to my room and watched all the TV I wanted without guilt.

I chose a few different movies at random and was able to pick out phrases that I could relate to. In the movie "To The Bone" about younger people with eating disorders one character said "I don't see the point of life".  I recognized this as depression a emotional thought that the brain holds on to that is get worse without food.  When I was depressed I didn't eat and when I did it was crap. My thoughts were bad and they repeated over and over.   In never linked the food to my feelings.  

I thought about when I was stuck the kinds of paralyzing thoughts the kept me there for a long time.  I couldn't see a solution to the problem.  I didn't want to be where I was but I couldn't change that so I totally shut down.  In the movie the doctor says "she has to choose to decide that things can be different."  This is what happened to me one day while in a catatonic state sitting on my the floor of my porch a voice said to me.  "You are doing this to yourself."

It was a turning point for me.  I was choosing to listen to the voice that was telling me that my situation was my fault.  I was left because there was something about me that was not lovable.  I had proof because everyone that I thought loved and cared about me had left me.  Being me was "too much".

This is my core belief about myself that keeps me isolated.  I use to do everything for everybody to earn my keep.  When I had my meltdown I stopped doing for others and everyone ran away.  This only proved my point that I wasn't enough just as I am. Relationships built on what I brought to the table and when I didn't have anything to bring there were only a few left there.

My sister once told me during a Christmas visit to her house that my husband left me because I was too much.  This was a few years ago and after that visit I slipped way back into depression.

I am happy today. You probably thought this was a sad post but after withdrawing yesterday I can see that my belief that I am too much has plagued me most of my life.  It is the source of my pain. I might be too much sometis and just like everybody else.  I can decide that I am who I am and way I was made. 

I can accept myself as I am and not worry how you might feel about me.  I always do my best even when it might not be good enough it is all I have.  As far as my sister saying I was too much for my active alcoholic husband well he was definitely too much for me in the end.  He could charm the world and come home to emotionally abuse me.  That was too much.

My gift to you is this holiday is to decide to take care of yourself.  See yourself as good enough to be taken care of physically as well as spiritually.  Eat well and lay off the carbs and fat is good for you. 



 

Could it be the food? - My sweet tooth

I have always believed that with help you can talk yourself through most emotional problems and that it is your core belief system and personal distorted ideas about things that really hold you back. We are so sure that our thoughts are the truth and rarely do we challenge those beliefs. 

We look for people that agree with us and stick close to them limiting any feedback that might poke holes in our own rigid ideas. This keeps everyone in the same place and feeling self-righteous and dismissing all other possibilities. But what if something else is contributing to the way we think.  Could the food we eat affect the way we think?

I had some recent blood test that indicated that I am borderline diabetic. With that news I went out and bought 3 books on Autoimmune diseases - Hashimoto's disease - diabetes. While reading I came across a chapter about the effects of thyroid disease on the emotions. Almost word for word describing my on thoughts and my lack of interest in things that use to excite me.  Almost and indifference. Could my eating habits and my thyroid be causing this?

There is so much conflicting information about autoimmune diseases as well as diabetes but almost everyone agrees that sugar is the Satan of all foods. I know that no matter what I will not be able to continue to use sugar for escape when life becomes too much.  I remember as a kid going to some extreme lengths to find sugar in my house after my own mother decided we had to give it up.

I had been diagnosed with ADD and the school wanted my parents to put me on Ritalin.  This was the early 70's. I had trouble concentrating and spent a lot time standing in the hall outside my classroom. I was disruptive and they wanted a solution.  Just like me my mother did some research and found that studies showed that eliminating sugar from the diets of children calmed them down.

I remember this time period well because I loved sugar.  Even before this time I would steal my sister's Easy Bake Oven icing mixes and eat them out of the box hiding behind the couch. Chocolate was out too and my mom substituted carob for chocolate and ruined a lot of good recipes.  I decided to spend more time at my friend's house scoping other sources of sugar. Sugar is a physical craving even though just yesterday I heard a doctor on You Tube say otherwise.  

When my mother got cancer the sugar famine at my house ended. My parents were focused on her diet and we spent hours at the hospital drinking as many sodas as we wanted. With my dad in charge we were left to fend for ourselves and we gave a list of what we wanted to whoever was grocery shopping for us. I was eight when this began so you can imagine Coke was at the top of the list.

My mother wasn't in the hospital all of the time but when she was home they were focused on the macrobiotic diet still used by cancer patients today.  My parents weren't hippies, but even before she got sick, we ate mostly vegetables that were organically grown by my dad in the back yard of our suburban home. We were taught that your body is your temple and God expects you to treat it that way.  

I did get my present eating habits from them.  I don't eat processed food and make my meals from scratch. It is no big deal to me since it is all I have ever known.  I even have controlled my sweet tooth except in the worst of times.

When I was reading the paragraph about thyroid disease and thoughts people were having. How some had lost interest in things they loved a generally had an apathy for life it was almost word for word what have thought. During my meltdown I didn't really eat and when I did it was sugar I wasn't sure if I wanted to live so diet wasn't at the top of my list.

Just a side note.  The body processes sugar in the liver the same way it processes alcohol. There is an epidemic of non-alcohol fatty liver disease right even in children. The experts say it is from soda and hidden sugar in processed foods.

The past few weeks I have been contemplating what I am willing to change about my eating habits. Can I totally give up sugar, wheat and dairy.  Not likely in the long run given my history.

I did think that if I never felt apathy for life again would that be enough of a prize to at least consider it. The answer is yes so I am just trying it out - no sugar, dairy or wheat. I have been watching my eating since I got my test results. I already do feel better mentally and physically and I have lost 5lbs.

Overall I eat like my parents taught me to eat even if I use sugar in time of stress or boredom. I never imagined that it could be affecting my thoughts.

Ironically the diet I have chosen seems pretty close to the macrobiotic diet my mother was on except with a little more protein. Mom and dad would be pleased.

Magical powers - Intuition - worst critic

There has been a little lull in the action at work the past couple of weeks. The quiet has generated some fear about my security. I have push that away and decided to take this time to purge old files at both my current position and at home purging files from my closed company.  It feels like "This is Your Life" or "This was Your Life" depending which boxes.

I started with the more recent boxes from the old business which was during the end of the recession. Those jobs were mostly small jobs and for me thy represented some of the worst times in the business.  Since I packed up in one weekend I didn't have time to look at much of anything.  This seems like a familiar theme in my life leaving in a hurry. I had all the bids I gave whether I got the job or not.  The time I wasted on jobs that I knew in my heart would never happen. I needed them to happen to survive or so I thought.

I was new in the business and the times they were desperate and I had to at least try to close anything that came to me.  I am older and wiser these days and instinctively I know when I should pass on a customer even if sometimes I don't.  My intuition is good but sometimes I take a chance even if I know it is a long shot. This way I don't take it personally if it doesn't work out.

When going through these files I only saw my problem customers. The jobs where the people were difficult to begin with and I couldn't magically make them happy.  I skipped over the people that loved what I did for them and ended up with something better than they imagined.  I only saw my own short comings what I could have done differently.

When I am my worst critic it is because I believe if only I had been a little more on my game things would have turned out differently. It always puts the control back on me instead of all parties involved.  At the time I wanted to believe that I had magical powers and could make these people happy if only...this thinking leads me to "I am not enough" a core belief I have fought most of my life.

After the second box I felt I needed help so I turned to an old stand by on YouTube a teacher named Gangaji. The first video she said it  "We will never be enough" stop this endless search for perfection. Life is not about the destination of "being enough" the search for this feeling exhaust us and keeps us from loving the life we have. Seeing was is right with our world. Lost our thoughts instead of what is in front of us. I needed to hear it. My thoughts about myself were making me miserable.

Today I woke up lighter.  This is a pattern I have noticed about myself I take a dip and then I have another awakening and I am ready to move on.  I have learned or re-learned something and now I can stop taking myself so seriously.

I realize again that whatever happens isn't always about me.  I am not the center of the universe. All I can do is be my best self and let other people do the same and if it works out great if it doesn't just move on. The good news is that I only have three boxes left. UGH!

Baggage - Freedom

I was watched a lizard crawling across a horizontal support on the porch this morning.  He had a clump of debris around one of his back legs.  He just kept going and didn't seem to notice even though it was slowing him down and making his movements a  little awkward.  This made me think of how we sometimes carry so much obvious baggage that others can see so clearly but we just can't see it ourselves.  We just keep moving although very slow ignoring the obvious.

The week it was announced that someone is leaving from the company. A person I don't know well but they affect everything that happens in our world. A brilliant person that exudes so much anger that it infects everyone.  I have often wondered what story are they telling themselves to make them so unhappy. Their life from the outside is enviable to most peoples standards but that doesn't mean anything.  It is that inside story that controls our day to day happiness.

For me it was and still is sometimes that I am not lovable. I am somehow damaged throughout my life this has made me try harder to be liked and with those closest to me I would do anything to secure that love. Since I have found that this doesn't work, love cannot be secured,  today this idea makes me do less to please. I have dropped out of the social world all together. I don't really notice it that much unless it is a holiday and generally just doing my own thing makes me happy.

I do worry that if I was to go missing it would take awhile for anyone to find me. I have been evaluating the relationships I do have and seeing that there is something missing. Recently after seeing a terrible accident I called someone I barely knew at work instead of my closer friends. This made me sad and missing more intimate relationships.  I use to be the person called in a crisis but now no one calls me and I don't call them.

I know this is all selfish talk here and if I live long enough I will work through this and find the intimacy that I am looking for or not. It doesn't escape me that you get back what you put out there and being more selfless would conjure up more of what I think I want. I will get there eventually.

This week I am taking time off.  I have been sick this past month and the timing seems as right as it is going to be.  Tomorrow I have jury duty at 8am downtown but the rest of the week looks open.

Before the announcement at work I have been praying that person. I have been imagining light and happiness surrounding them. All our pain is in our heads and the baggage can be dealt with if we stop long enough to look at it and know that it is our thoughts that make us suffer.  We run so fast thinking we can out run it and all the while dragging it with us. Just like that lizard.

Healing - Save Yourself

I watched this movie called "Take Care" about a couple who after he recovers from cancer he dumps her. In the movie she guilt's him into taking care of her after she has a serious car accident.  I liked the movie because it is about healing and about emotions what is really going on behind what people do.

On the surface it seems people do terrible hurtful things but it is never meant to be personal. In fact it takes courage sometimes to do the unpopular thing "save yourself".  I have never been that brave to look deep inside and decide my own happiness is more important than the promises I have made to others.

It isn't because I am such a good person it is because I feel more comfortable being the victim.  It is a role I have played in most situations where it was me versus them. Maybe because I know first hand what it feels like to be left and couldn't imagine putting someone through that. On the other hand I always think "this has got to get better" which as we all know sometimes that isn't true.

I am not a person of action emotionally.  I am conditioned to be more of a person of contemplation and by the time I emerge with a moment of clarity the world has passed me by.  The more impatient folks have gone on their lives.

I have accepted that this is my way.  Sometimes this way has left me isolated and sometime lonely but this where my life has led me up to now and I have few regrets.

When I see people behaving badly I hurt for them because I can only imagine what has gone on in their lives to bring them to this point.  What do they believe about themselves that could make them hurt other people or sometimes even themselves.

We are the sum of all the thoughts we have ever had about ourselves. Maybe some of them are true maybe we think some were passed down to us but which ones. We can't blindly trust what our mind tells us because sometimes our thoughts can hurt us and make us hurt other people.

In the movie the ex boyfriend admits he left her because she represented the cancer and he wanted to forget that it happened. Life gave him the opportunity to heal himself and heal the one left behind.

This is a test only a test

If this was an actual emergency someone would say so right? Today I woke up feeling positive and hopeful that this period of well, lets just say rest, was coming to an end. I had a couple of postponements of jobs when I got to work. They will happen but apparently not right now.

I am all about not putting things out there not giving words to the fear in my head. I think our words are powerful and can do good when we say good and bring on our intentions when we fall into the trap of lack. So I don't say what I don't want to come to life.

Let me give you an example. The week before I lost my job at the mortgage company I remember turning around and looking at my desk piled high with problems I was suppose to solve and saying out loud, I could walk away from this and never look back. Boom it was over one week from that day. Granted it had been coming on in my heart for a long time. In hind sight a great thing no regrets.

I believe our words and even our thought are powerful so I guard my thoughts and my words. This may sound crazy so take what you like and leave the rest.

The power of positive thinking and sometimes the power of negative thinking can change things. I know all things work together for those that expect it to work together. I can't see the beyond the frame of the lens I am viewing through today. My limited view will be seen from a different vantage point in the future. I will look back and see how the pieces all fell together. I can't think of one thing in my life that didn't lead me to exactly where I am now. Isn't that true for everyone.

This is a test only a test if this was and actual emergency I would be told to what to do. Sometimes it seems like an emergency but for today I am letting go and letting God.

UPDATE since original post Just as I was finishing my original post a rep came to visit and spewed forth all negativity. Everything from the total failure of our way of life and who was to blame. I have not recovered yet. UGH.