Denial - "We can't handle the truth"

When I got into the program I didn't really understand what I was doing there. When my counselor ask me if my husband drank a lot I couldn't honestly say what was a lot. He was never drunk at least the way I had seen drinking growing up.  My uncle the family drunk drank until he passed out on the floor. Not my husband he had great job and he was smart and the world was in love with him and so was I.

He had become a stranger to me as the drinking had increased but I couldn't see it. I was in complete denial with the evidence right in front of me. This is the number one coping mechanism for all humans if you don't acknowledge it then it isn't happening. We live in the pretend world in our head. La La La - I can't hear you! 

It takes something horrible to break through a well dug in persons fantasy especially if they have a strong personality.  From my own perspective I had tackled some major stuff and I was too strong to admit that this was happening to me.  

I am sad to say we have had a lot of deaths here close to home of those who chose not to get vaccinated. One family hit especially hard and now everyone is devastated. There is no going back and a lot of lives will be affected forever and there is nothing to say. 

Maybe it is denial.  I understand that it is easier to just pretend that everything is fine then to face something we have no control over. If we find other people to join our own fantasy it makes the story in our head even more legitimate.  

That first meeting someone told my story and I felt the first crack in my denial.  At that moment I saw the truth but the damage had been done and my marriage was over.  How could I have deceived myself all those years?  I had to eventually forgive myself for being human. I couldn't handle the truth because it meant that I wasn't in control and I was about to lose everything. 

The pandemic has put us all into a position of feeling helpless and some have chosen to just pretend it isn't happening.  I get it but in the end is costing lives and there is no going back. Just because it hasn't happened to me doesn't mean it isn't happening. 

These days I still don't completely trust the story I tell myself. I know that my view of the world and my life is only real from my perspective. I question everything knowing that I am capable creating a world that only exist in my head. 

Homemade Wine and death

My neighbor passed away a few hours ago.  He was in his late 70's or early 80's I think and has had serious heart problems the last ten years I have lived here.  We spent one afternoon together after he saw me on my porch and yelled out "do you want a bottle of wine?" I said sure.  It seemed like only seconds and he was at my front door.

I was in the depths of my depression and isolation and definitely was not thinking about having visitors but there I was on the porch with him.  He apparently made homemade wine.  I knew he was a retired acupuncturist so I asked him why he chose that.  He said he had worked for the DOW company and heard there was a lot of money in acupuncture in Florida. Not exactly what I expected him to say about his chosen field.

We went on to talk about my obvious mental problems and menopause.  He shared with me that his ex wife went through the same thing and left him.  When it was over she said she was sorry and wanted to come back.  He was already engaged to my other neighbor so by that time it was too late.

I always thought I would get to know them better because his wife is very politically active and had the only Hillary sign in the neighborhood.  She has worked for non-profits her whole life and has an amazing track record for fighting for people that need help.  A friendship has not worked out mainly because I have had my own issues.

Today I am staining a ceilings worth of cypress wood that a guy is suppose to install next week.  The boards are laying across three saw horses in my driveway.  I have been sanding and staining all morning and now the hearse has arrived to take the body away.  Very awkward me with my giant face respirator out sanding while they are dealing with death. I have retreated to write this while the body is being taken away.

As far as I know we can't avoid death.  It is something we will all face.  I am not afraid of it and really feel that people are lucky if they have had a long life and in the end they had the people they loved beside them. Just having people that love you is something not everyone has. Experiencing death so young I think that it made realize nothing is guaranteed.  I was thrilled to get past 41 the age my mother died.  I had no idea just how young she was.

Grief is hard and cannot be avoided but it is part of the celebration of some one's life. You loved them and they meant something to you. It can feel like a warm blanket if you don't resist. Nobody understands what you are going through until they experience it themselves.  Everyone goes back to there lives after two weeks and you are left to lay down with the grief and deal with it your own way.

In my experience it takes three years to come back to life when you lose someone you love.  You get back to life quicker than that but it still lingers in the back ground. Be kind to yourself if you have lost someone or even if you have lost a dream. It is okay not to get past it in record time.  It means that it was important to you and worth the sadness.

To my neighbor who left us today.  You brought love to the people that loved you and they will celebrate their loss with grief and maybe some homemade wine.

Graves - Tragedy and Denial

I was looking for an old receipt for my shower unit and came across some paperwork of my deceased aunt where she had been sued over the family section of the cemetery. I had forgotten about this but it was a very big deal for her.

My mothers family is from a small town that still has only one light,  After my grandmothers death she decided that the family area of the cemetery should be spruced up. She had a concrete border poured around it and gravel filled it in.  She was really proud of the work and thought that at last she did something for her family.

She received a letter from an attorney stating that she had covered over the graves of another family. A local family that claimed their brother and still born child were buried there. The family still lived there and the matriarch of the family who had dementia became disturbed by the change at the cemetery and wanted it changed back.

My aunts paperwork had a neatly drawn layout showing the graves and the people they believed were in them. I also found records of funeral provided by the funeral home for almost everyone buried there after 1930. Before that it was here say and children were buried on top of other graves which is why we had this dispute..

My aunt her small town in shame.  Her husband left her for another woman the first year she was married.  She was pregnant and after the baby was born she got a divorce and left town leaving her baby with my grandmother. She moved to the closest town and found work waitressing sending money home. An escape from that small town where she was disgraced. She never went back.

Her son died of dysentery at the age of two in the care of my grandmother. My aunt was never the same after that. She stayed in the city working. She meet my uncle a navy pilot. He wore a uniform and drove a red convertible. She had movie star looks and he was in love. They married and she moved about as far north as you can in this country.

Over the years she created a carbon copy of the life she saw on TV right down to the Cape Cod house with the white picket fence. They were not able to have children so they adopted a boy and a girl exactly one year apart both blond. He golfed they belonged to the country club and on the outside it looked perfect. Over the years she built a delusional fortress around herself that could no one penetrated.

Her baby was buried in that cemetery and I imagine that was what drove her to put such effort into fixing it up. She was nearing the end of her life and she wasn't mobile. Everything she did concerning the lawsuit she did over the phone.  She denied the one request from the other family to remove the headstone over the grave of one of there members. Her 4 year old sister was buried there. She refused.

They went to trial with a jury and everything. It wasn't a jury of her peers to them she was just some highfaluting northerner getting into southerners business. She lost and was required to remove the gravel covering and head stones over the disputed graves. She didn't do it and I am guessing that because of the age of everyone involved it never got done.

My aunt was cold and unloving to her husband and her children and frankly to everyone that tried to make her see life in a truthful way. Her two kids were emotionally disturbed to start with and she never really bonded with them. Her son turned to alcohol and her daughter has had a tragic life. She stayed in denial until her death. No one came to the funeral but myself and her caregiver.

I was the closest to her (except her caregiver) at the end of her life. She was more likeable to strangers than those of us who knew the path of destruction she left behind. Literally crushing the people close to her daily with her words.  I was her favorite mostly because I didn't anything from her money or even approval. I can't say back then I had compassion for her like I do today.

Before she died we set up a trust together for her kids and one grandchild. They don't live in luxury but they are not homeless like they have been. She often told them they should be like me. When I was getting my interior design degree she told everyone I was going to law school. To her lawyers, doctors and nurses were stars and so in her mind I had to be a lawyer. I am real popular with her kids.

She was the first born and my mother was the last.  She moved back to the city where she waitressed and that is where I live now. I distanced myself from her until after my uncle died it was too painful to see how unhappy they were and how things got worse as they aged. I spent one day a week there bringing her back into reality for just one day. I was the heavy and she fought me all the way.  She never left her world of denial and in the end she died peacefully. She told me that she was seeing Jesus and other family members that had gone on before her.

When she died we buried her in that same little cemetery in the deep south. Not in the area where she did the improvements but off to the side.  That is appropriate because the rest of the family might just come to life and get up and leave.

Life can be so hard that your mind guards you from reality.  When we can't accept that life didn't turn out like we imagined or some dream we had has been shattered we do our best to survive first and then if we are lucky we get help. We can't rely on our own mind to always tell us the truth. My aunt suffered her whole life and died basically alone it didn't have to be like that.







 

Coming Home - Trying a little harder

I came back on Tuesday from my trip.  I took extra clothes thinking that I might stay a few days extra and see other family but after the weekend it seemed like it was time to come home.

It was a good visit with my friend there is not too many people you have known since 1st grade and the years seem to wash away once I arrived. She is thin and nervous just like she was when we were kids managing all the details of every moment.

Because of the situation she never stopped moving.  I didn't want to impose given the situation but she seem to enjoy having me there.  I am pretty low maintenance as guest go and I bring anything I might need for my personal comfort including my pillow.

I listened a lot about all her mothers illnesses and how many times they thought she wasn't going to make it. Recently she had had a come back and the week before her death she renewed her drivers licence, got a pedicure, had her teeth cleaned and a mole removed from her face.

I guess she was preparing for a trip.  Isn't that always the way? You hear people say "I saw her just last week and she looked great."  But none of us live forever and with each passing day it seems more real to me.

Coming back to a pile of work and thinking is this what I am suppose to be doing? After hearing the kind of person my friend mother was it made wonder what would be said about me. First I don't think there will be such a crowd.  I remember after my own mothers death there were such crowds that they had to close off a few extra rooms to hold all the people and the flowers.

My life has been pretty small and because I have lived in the sickness of my own story I haven't been too giving at times. Other times I gave too but mostly to escape the thoughts and emotions that were always brewing inside just beneath the surface. Earning my right to be alive.

I still have time to put myself out there if I really want to be more give more. It is never too late to change. It is never to late to be someone different.  I recently saw an interview with Jimmy Carter in his 90's and he said he thought the secret to his own happiness and the longevity of his marriage was that he and Rosalyn regularly decide to learn something new. He gave the example that he put his first pair of skis on at 60. I thought that was encouraging.

These days with work I feel that I have no time for really much else.  Of course this is just in my own mind because I spend many hours a day watching TV and not much else. I like it and it calms me but it is just another way to medicate myself.

Sometimes I think this idea of making a big difference is just another mind trap. Something to keep us from just living and enjoying the moment and the people that are right there in front of us.

I have realized that I do want to get out and meet new people. People that are open to change and want to learn new things and have fun. I am not sure how to go about finding them but I think I am going to try a little harder.

Summers Past - Gratitude and loss

The mother of my best friend in grammar school died this past Monday.  She was also the best friend of my own mother. My mother and my best friends mother were polar opposites just my friend and I are polar opposites.

We ended up together because of our mothers and because we went to the same kind of Pentecostal church. When my mother got sick my friends father was in the process of divorcing her mother. Something back then in our church just wasn't done. She never remarried because she believed that it would be adultery in the eyes of God. This didn't phase my friends father who immediately married his secretary.

When I left home at 16 my friends mother let me live with them.  There were six of us total all working and all with our own cars. Except her little brother who was still in middle school. I slepted in the garage that I shared with a car and several cats. I did have a bed and my own refrigerator. I also had a washer and dryer conveniently located at the end of my bed.

Even though she was strict in her beliefs she also was a live and let live person.  She did lecture me about staying out all night on occasion.  I usually was the last one in and the first on out. I had a boyfriend and a full time management job at the local Hardees.

Who could blame me for not rushing home to the car waiting for me. Truthfully I loved it. It was true freedom for me not having to deal with the emotional abuse from my stepmother. I could just live and work in peace.

It was only for one summer and by the end of that summer the relationship with my first alcoholic had ended. I thought it was true love for us both until he decided he needed a second girlfriend. I was devasted as always and decided I needed a geographical cure. I  packed up my truck and moved south. Where I have been ever since.

I am grateful for that summer and I am grateful that she took me in without hesitation. She was loving and generous.

I didn't stay in touch over the years because that how life is sometimes. I have spoken to my friend in the last few years. I did cry when I got the message it made me think of all that has happened over the years  a collision of the past and the present.

I decided to go out of respect and my friend has ask me to stay with her and her family. It feels weird but somehow right that I go.

It makes me want to believe that there is more after this life and maybe she is now reunited with my mother after 40 something years.

Death - 10,000 Miles

I watched the movie Fly Away this week and when the song played during the final scene I started bawling. It was a total surprise to me and I wondered what that was all about. The song is by Mary Chapin Carpenter and was really her first big hit.

The song is called 10,000 miles and is basically about someone leaving and promising to return. There was some much sadness in this song. I thought about the pain of losing what you didn't know you could lose. The song states even though I am 10,000 miles away I will return again some day. I say the last part is just wishful thinking.

I did get some sad news at the beginning of the week that has made me focus on loss.  The founder of our Art League passed suddenly from something I assume was medical since there were no details. He was young with a family and will leave a huge void personally and within the art community.

I am on vacation this week working on my house. It has been neglected since I moved here. I have evidently practicing being instead of doing. I am full up on being and plunging head first into doing. This week I cleaned the garage, power washed the porch and painted my deck three times.

While painting the last three days I had a lot of time to think about death and loss. It is something we will all get a chance to experience. With my own faith I don't fear death it can't be any worse than being left behind. The person going on at least gets all the answers but being left behind you are stuck with only questions and grief.

With any significant loss you are taken from a place of thinking you know what tomorrow looks like to total uncertainty. Of course the uncertainty was there all the time the loss puts it center stage. You can either embrace the clarity of the moment or you run like I did.

I just couldn't accept there was no safe place to go. I couldn't accept there was nothing I could do to prevent things from changing. I couldn't be better, I couldn't watch closer for signs of trouble I couldn't even pick a better person to spend my life with.

It is just the way life is and we have to learn to live with it. I have lived in fear of doing something wrong all my life and now I think what a waste of time. I worked hard to do everything right assuming that I would find happiness and safety.

Nothing from the past is hurting me now because I know now it wasn't my fault. Did I play my part? Absolutely, but so what it is just the way life is we do our best with what we have to work with. I can no longer grieve for what might have happened if I had done something different. I have wasted so much time thinking about what I have lost instead of seeing that it doesn't matter. Only what is happening today matters and bracing myself for the future sadness ruins the reality of today.

My mind has been stuck in the loop of the question of why.  My mind loves these unsolvable problems and once it takes hold it takes a miracle to break this loop of problem solving.

A healing has taken place in me that can see this so clearly now. I have been lost in my mind and now I can accept that there is no way to prepare I can just live and deal with what happens next when it gets here. I am free.

Changes - Death and Love

My roommate is moving out at the end of the month.  I am not sure whether I wrote about this or not.  Her mother sold her house and they are renting a house together.  It is funny when she moved in they could hardly stand each other but she says they have both changed.

It is true she isn't the same person she is was eight months ago. She been working her program and seems more comfortable in her own skin and less angry. I am sure it won't be easy living with her mom day in and day out at least they will have a chance to iron out any final issues.

I haven't been overly friendly with her I have had my own issues to deal with.  With the new job I haven't been home much and when I was I needed to cocoon to recover. I have provided a nice home and tried to be a good roommate.

The timing seems right for me to have my house to myself again. My life is flowing and I am making plans and it feels really good. I will be open to another roommate when the right person comes along.

My best friend bought a house in my neighborhood and is moving in tomorrow. He did live across the street from another one of our friends that has Parkinson's. Her daughter who lives in California was pretty upset about him moving I guess she was depending on him to watch after her mother. She has decided she needs to move back here to look after her mom herself.

We are a little worried for our friend her daughter is a pretty big personality. When she visits our friend seems to disappear. Her daughter and her husband are both in recovery and have been four years clean and sober.  Since my friends house is vacant we are hoping to convince her to rent his house.  This way maybe our friend can keep some of her independence. Maybe this was all a part of a greater plan.

For me I am working way too many hours despite my resolution to take my life back. I haven't seen the light of day since I wrote that post. I am enjoying myself and as long as I get to my art class once a week I can keep up this pace for a while longer.  I do love what I do most of the time and for that I feel grateful.

This weekend a lot of world will be acknowledging Easter. I happy time for the kids and a time for reflection for us adults. Even if you aren't a believer I feel we can all relate in some way to the experience of death and resurrection.

In my own life I have experienced many losses that felt like deaths. Where the loss was so great I thought I would never feel alive again but in time I did heal. A resurrection of my own spirit each time.

I didn't willing experience the deaths in my own life like in the Easter story. To give ones life so selflessly is to rise above human limitations and show the world what real love looks like which I think is the point.








 

Escaping the Mind.

I watched a movie about 11 hikers that died after climbing to the peak of a mountain in the Himalayas. While they were at the top ice sheared their ropes off and they had to climb down not attached to the mountain.

I have often wondered what kind of person does this kind of thing. What makes someone spend a full year planning an expedition and literally months on the actual mountain acclimating at each base camp. This is why they took the risk they didn't want to wait any longer even when they knew it was really too late. It would be after dark when the started to descend and they all knew that it the risk would be greater.

Is this what it takes to make us feel really alive a big goal that involves a lot of danger. I couldn't do it. First I am not into physical suffering of any kind. I guess I prefer emotional suffering instead. Some of the climbers tried to explain that when climbing they felt a sense of purpose all their energy going towards each moment.

It sounded a lot like living in the moment even if it was a very cold moment. Engaged in what they were doing staying focused or risking death.

Life isn't that interesting most of the time. Some of us create elaborate inner worlds that need our constant attention and some of us hike to the top of mountains and face death. No matter what it is entertainment it is what the mind looking for something to do.

I know that my own mind is never satisfied. Even yesterday while I was sitting on the porch enjoying the perfect day immediately my mind started searching for trouble. First it started telling me I couldn't afford to take off and then it started pointing out all the work that needs to be done to the house.

I didn't take the bait but I could see how easy it would be to let my mind have it's way with me. I decide to get out of the house and do some ordinary stuff.

First I got my oil changed then I went to my favorite Middle Eastern lunch spot and had some falafel.  I bought a big bag of basmati rice and replenished my dwindling supply of curry powder. I headed for the the grocery store but not before stopping at Wendy's for a frosty. I am learning to like ordinary.


I enjoyed my ordinary day and didn't let my mind spoil it for me.

Near death experience - How important is it?

It has been an interesting couple of days since my last post. My friend had plans to come into town for her father's memorial and her flight got delayed and she ended on staying over in Dallas. Then she over slept and missed the 6 AM flight and booked a noon flight which was delayed. She didn't make it to the memorial.

She called and ask me if I would go in her place. I agreed and got there by three and made my way around a room of about 30 people. They all had funny stories about her father's drinking. I knew this already from my friend but it is never called alcoholism.

Her brother was the star of the show and had plenty of his own sarcastic stories. He made everyone laugh and the drinks kept coming. I could see his own sadness just below the surface as he talked about his own failed marriages between jokes. Blaming his wives for everything.

My friend showed up after most everyone was gone which turned out to be a good thing. She had been exiled from her father's family and when they heard she was on the way they started leaving. When she got there only her aunts were left and huge confrontation began and ended with screaming an swearing.

We stayed at the restaurant another 3 hours after the everyone left. Her brother myself and another friend. They drank and smoked and I had Key Lime pie and ice tea. I left them and took my drained introverted self home. I felt hungover Sunday from the emotion of others.

My friend stayed overnight at the beach an I went over yesterday for a late dinner. I was still tired and ask a friend if he would go with me. We had a full night of family stories and headed home around 10. We pull up behind a car in the left turn lane and waited for the arrow to turn green. It was dark and when the light changed the car in front of us turned and then we turned.

Just after we turned we heard a huge crash. The car behind us was broadsided by a truck going really fast through a red light. We heard the truck lay on the horn as if he didn't see the light. My friend was driving and said he saw the third car in the rear view mirror skid into the intersection to avoid the car that had been hit.

We were stunned and just drove home. We had turned on to a bridge and couldn't turn around. We don't know what happened and I couldn't find anything on it today. My friend came to my house about 15 minutes later and said the whole intersection was closed.

I didn't sleep much last night and wondered how we were so lucky to have escaped. We are talking seconds and I know some where some family is grieving today.  Was the driver drinking probably? Why else would he have laid on the horn like he had the right of way.

It has been an emotional two days and I feel tired but grateful..  I am in the office today dealing with things that feel even less important than they usually do.

For Vicky - Finding Love

I feel compelled to write this today. I have gone back to my work three times and I can't shake this feeling that I must write about this so here it is. This happen almost 2 years ago but this the message is clear.

Untreated Al-Anons can die from their disease. It might not be from a dramatic over dose or under a bridge somewhere but it is a death related to a disease that affects us all.

The disease isn't so easy to spot it masquerades as kindness and giving. Giving until it hurts until our own health is in jeopardy. It is putting everyone first in hopes that someone will notice and make us feel worthy of love. Showing our value to the people around us to get that love and approval we so deserve.

My friend Vicky was like that and it ultimately killed her. In her love life she had a man that told her regularly not to get attached to him because she wasn't his girlfriend. On the job she worked 12 hours a day and took a 10% pay cut from a boss that would call her day and night. She gave her kids everything.

She was sick physically and emotionally. She was a Type II diabetic that should have been taking especially good care of herself but ultimately ran herself into the ground to take care of others.

We met after she worked in our office for a couple of weeks and we had and instant connection. Being raised in an alcoholic home and had been married to an alcoholic I tried to get her to go to meetings but it didn't happen. She was too busy taking care of everyone else.

She called me one day to take her to the doctor she had been sick for a few days and didn't want to ask her boyfriend because he was busy. She couldn't drive because she was too sick. I took her to the doctor and he said to take her to the emergency room. I did and we were there for eight hours before she got a bed. When I left at 1 AM she was getting antibiotics and waiting for a room.

She had massive heart failure and a stroke and was never conscious again. None of her family came that night or the boyfriend. I was the only one there a person that only knew her casually. They didn't even have a memorial for her.

I found out that because she was run down and dehydrated her organs failed. If she had taken care of herself she would still be here. Her death changed me forever. It showed me that you can't give yourself away to get the love you need. You have to love yourself and find a God you trust to fill the void.

So what is the point of this post. Love yourself take care of yourself be a friend to yourself a loving parent to yourself. Always putting other first can kill you it is a family disease.