EMDR - Can I actually be joyful?

This is the time of year for doing stuff clearing out the cobwebs and evaluating where I am and where I am going. I got an email from the Master Gardening program letting me know that I can apply again.  It is funny just how important that was to me last year along with winning yard of the  month.  It seems pretty silly now and I not really interested in either. 

I wanted something to sink my teeth into to force myself to commit to learning something new. I didn't want to be still and address the restlessness I was feeling. It is the minds way of running. I have had to dig a little deeper this past year and with some professional help I have made some surprising discoveries. I feel lighter and today I actually woke up ready to embrace the day instead of bracing myself for the day. 

I am still seeing the counselor and with the EMDR I am really getting into my core issues. The issues from childhood that have been the foundation of ever decision I have made throughout my life. The usual - not being enough and some surprises like - I have been mad I my mother for not telling me she was going to die and that she didn't like me. Over time I have translated this into - I am not likable. The counselor there to question these beliefs and showing me how I could be wrong. Mind blowing. 

It is uncomfortable to face this kind of truth and tears are in my eyes now. I have based my whole life on the idea that I am unlikable an idea created by a child and then as and adult I then gathering proof the this idea was true over and over again.  

As an adult I see that mother was sick and thinking she my die and worried that I wasn't good at conforming and would have problems and she wouldn't be here. Part of this maybe true but the counselor pointed out the fact that she turned me loose to do whatever I wanted was proof that she knew I would be alright. I was a leader and wouldn't be convinced to do anything stupid or dangerous. She was sick and didn't have to worry about me. 

I was mad at her because she didn't tell me that she might not make it. Even if she was thinking it my daddy didn't let anyone say anything negative because his last hope was that God was going to heal her. I believe them because I was a child and you believe that your parents are telling the truth. 

I never imagined I could experience these of breakthroughs I think the EMDR therapy distracts you brain from its usual blocking mechanisms for difficult memories. With the counselor guidance and wisdom you get down to where the core beliefs came from. 

I have always thought she loved me but really didn't like me. I knew I was alone from that point on when even my mom didn't like me. This was my child's perspective and is the basis for the story I have been telling myself all my life. I was a child and this is how I explained this to myself. 

I am growing leaps and bounds these days. I have always felt that we start out life like a shinny ball and then life happens. Layers of wet blankets are thrown over us and we adapt to the weight until the shinny person we started out as disappears. 

I didn't willing faced my demons I was forced to face the pain of those outer layers when I was left by my husband at 30. The only person I had ever trusted left me and couldn't go on. I went to therapy and then Al-Anon until I felt relief and thought I was done but life dished me out another round that showed me I was far from it. I had another breakthrough but lately I have felt something missing.  I am happy and content but not joyful and really didn't think joy was possible.  I have felt moments of joy lately something I have only experienced with new love.  

I really think I am starting to see that original shine I once had. It feels strange and even a little scary but I am ready to relax and let myself be joyful. 

Gettting what you want - Mental health

Life is good.  I use to wear those t-shirts all the time it but I didn't really believe what they said and now they represent a time in my life that I was the most un-conscious.  By all means possible from the outside it looked like the perfect life but spiritually I was vacant still carrying the wants and needs from my childhood.  Hoping magically they would get met by the strangers in my life at the time.

Being abandoned by my own family I found different groups of people that I substituted for the imaginary family that I thought I missed out on.  My view of the world was a combination of sit coms from the seventies where you were surrounded by people who loved you no matter what stupid thing you have done. I definitely believed in magic I had to my mother was dying and I wasn't aloud to even acknowledge she was sick.

My sister buried herself in mostly Gone with the Wind.  Being four years older I think she might hold the record for the number of times that book was read in a short period of time.  I am not sure how that book shaped her twelve year old mind.  Maybe she liked where Scarlet pulled herself together and rescued herself.  I can only think of the part where she thinks Rhett has come back to help her and he rejects her.  Scarlet has burned all her bridges. 

I can now see how I was looking for trust and support and imagined other people had family's to give them that and I didn't. Blood is thicker than water. I wanted a shoulder to cry on but from as early as I can remember you are just suppose to suck it up and move on. Crying was not permitted - "I will give you something to cry about" - I only write this because it was shaped my life in a way that makes it impossible for me to be genuine about my pain except in words.

I gravitate to people like me because it feels comfortable.  I remember at my lowest sitting across the table from someone with tears running down my face and not getting even comforting words from that person.  The hard shell cannot be penetrated. I often said about my ex that if I was laying on the ground on fire I would have to say "call somebody".

My parents loved me but they had tough lives.  They said the words but but emotions were mostly off limits.  I think this is why they loved the Pentecostal church where when you were worshipping in the spirit you could be free emotionally.  You could cry or even laugh all you wanted.

My dad  told me the first date he had with my mother she made him go to a prayer meeting.  He said when he walked in he knew this was what he had been looking for all his life. It is a powerful release to be with a large group of people letting their emotions go and freely worshipping.  A celebration of a living God pretty powerful.

I think my point of the post is to say that we are conditioned by our past but if we can see this is just conditioning we can move on and not feel we aren't getting what we want. What we want is to feel safe and accepted.  We want to think that if something happens we will have a soft place to land and Rhett will save us and everything will go back to the it use to be or maybe we will have to start again because we have burned too many bridges.

I think that life is life and that we don't know for sure who will be there when something happens.  It is really frightening to think too much about this but for me I know it will work out.  Families are just people going through life the same as we are and can't magically solve the insecurities we have inside.

When I was sick and sad everyone ran from me.  Slowly everyone drifted away except one person who just made sure I was eating and occasionally getting out. I was physically ill and this was contributing to my already grief stricken mind.  One brought on the other and a crash was inevitable.

I would say to anyone going through something traumatic and having feelings of hopelessness and loss to get your thyroid tested. I know this sounds life a diversion from the rest of this post but a crisis can lead to a physical change in your body and add to an already bad situation. My anxiety was so high that late at night I would run around the neighborhood to try to feel better.

I never ate and when I did it was those comfort foods that heaped more bad on top of bad. I was just surviving and wasn't thinking rationally.  There is a lot of stories like mine out there.  Today my mind is clear and I am happy and healthier than I have ever been before. Mental health and physical health are tied together in ways that we can't imagine.  Your not alone with those thoughts and you can find health and happiness just ask for help.