What is wrong with me? The final solution

I haven't written here since my birthday and thought I would see if I have anything to say. First I am great probably the best I have ever been. My life as you know has been a search to figure out how to do better and most of all to feel better.

I give recent credit for healing to my therapist and to EMDR. I have handled life by bracing my self for something awful or swimming through treacherous waters, I have felt like an alien visiting here watching other people just move through life not thinking too much and not worrying too much.

I took a trip to see my family earlier this month and is actually felt good. Everyone older and wiser including me. On the way I listen to a book "What happened to you?". It summed up where I have been and where I am now.

The author is a trauma specialist and said something that spoke to me. She said instead of saying "whats wrong with me?" say "what happened to me?".  I have said the first for as long as I remember even now if I feel sad or just not interested in life I say "whats wrong with you?"

My work with EMDR has brought forward some significant events to the surface. Things that I have known about intellectually for a long time. What happened to me early in my life and the guilt I have for even thinking about it after so many years.  

I have written about those here hoping I could just let them go by putting them on the page. I have let those painful experiences go so many times but not really. The book talks about trauma in the body mostly early trauma and how it stays with children forever. 

The EMDR has helped me experience these painful times as an adult. Going back to the moment in mind as an adult and walking through my feelings until they dissipate. When I have my next session I can hardly remember what was addressed before. 

There isn't anything wrong with me I just had some things happen to me that made me think I was a problem and a real burden to everyone around me. I was regularly punished for being who I was and asking too many questions all in the name of love.

 I lost my family after my mother died and I found the best way to be loved is to earn it by doing things people wanted done and doing them perfectly. I learned to anticipate their every need.  As an adult when I had a crisis and couldn't fulfill my previous roll I was left.

I thought this was my fault that I was flawed in some way and didn't deserve love. I am free from that thought now and have moved through the events that created this belief. I have forgiven the child that I have been trying to solve the problem of me. 

This blog saved me and gave me a place to tell my story with honesty and freedom. I want to let you know to never give up on finding a way to feel better. Finding a way to knowing there is nothing wrong with you.  Finding peace with the past and loving yourself when it feels impossible. 

Finding Peace - Energy - Letting Go

I saw a video explaining one persons version of how energy works between people and how when you let go of someone suddenly you get a call.  This has happened to me so many times especially with the intense addictive relationships where as long as I was grasping they were running.  Sometimes even the day I felt like I truly let go I would get that long desired call.

Depending on my spiritual maturity at that time I would move on or start grasping again. The videos explanation was that we are like energetic magnets and when we are incomplete without someone or something our wanting actually repels the very person or thing we want.  

This spoke to me on some many levels of attraction. How if you just think of someone without the "I wish they would call me" and you stay neutral then suddenly they call. I can also relate that to customers if I really like someone and I can't wait to work with them they seem to disappear maybe my neediness is driving them away. This has happened so many times.

I have been making a lot of progress in my counseling sessions even though you would think at this age I have addressed it all.  I feel a freedom that I have have never felt before really ever. I attribute this to the use of EMDR and also my willingness to really to see my misguided (immature)  thinking and "let go" the theme of the blog.

I have spent my life wanting things to be different than they have been and then blaming myself for causing these things to happen. Then I stayed mad I myself for not just moving on and accepting that this is how it is. The brain I was given is constantly striving for improvement and working towards a goal.  This is great for getting things done but not for just accepting that somethings happen to us that is totally out of our control and not our fault. I want to be in charge.

I have ended up just isolating thinking I was the problem and didn't trust myself to not make another mistake. The immature side of me really believed I could out smart pain and loss. Sadly I am human and have to live the life of ever human before me and wasting what time I have left trying to solve the unsolvable it crazy. 

I will never measure up to the version I have of myself or the version of my future all I have is today and even that is not completely reliable. Life is random and we can never be prepared for what lays before us good or bad. What I have found for myself is to just think about the possibility of joy today. In my mind I also imagine feeling joy in the future what ever that looks like for me. 

Right now I am heading towards creativity and enjoying today without grasping or feeling like I am coming up short by not meeting my own expectations. I do have big fussy goals for a life that feels joyful. Despite what comes I will be able to feel joy even if it is just the small things. I will be okay no matter what I can find the place inside where I feel peace.

I will accept that even when things seem scary or out of control that all I can do to help things is to maintain a place of peace within. I will not add to the energy of fear or hate that will only give it more power.  

EMDR - Can I actually be joyful?

This is the time of year for doing stuff clearing out the cobwebs and evaluating where I am and where I am going. I got an email from the Master Gardening program letting me know that I can apply again.  It is funny just how important that was to me last year along with winning yard of the  month.  It seems pretty silly now and I not really interested in either. 

I wanted something to sink my teeth into to force myself to commit to learning something new. I didn't want to be still and address the restlessness I was feeling. It is the minds way of running. I have had to dig a little deeper this past year and with some professional help I have made some surprising discoveries. I feel lighter and today I actually woke up ready to embrace the day instead of bracing myself for the day. 

I am still seeing the counselor and with the EMDR I am really getting into my core issues. The issues from childhood that have been the foundation of ever decision I have made throughout my life. The usual - not being enough and some surprises like - I have been mad I my mother for not telling me she was going to die and that she didn't like me. Over time I have translated this into - I am not likable. The counselor there to question these beliefs and showing me how I could be wrong. Mind blowing. 

It is uncomfortable to face this kind of truth and tears are in my eyes now. I have based my whole life on the idea that I am unlikable an idea created by a child and then as and adult I then gathering proof the this idea was true over and over again.  

As an adult I see that mother was sick and thinking she my die and worried that I wasn't good at conforming and would have problems and she wouldn't be here. Part of this maybe true but the counselor pointed out the fact that she turned me loose to do whatever I wanted was proof that she knew I would be alright. I was a leader and wouldn't be convinced to do anything stupid or dangerous. She was sick and didn't have to worry about me. 

I was mad at her because she didn't tell me that she might not make it. Even if she was thinking it my daddy didn't let anyone say anything negative because his last hope was that God was going to heal her. I believe them because I was a child and you believe that your parents are telling the truth. 

I never imagined I could experience these of breakthroughs I think the EMDR therapy distracts you brain from its usual blocking mechanisms for difficult memories. With the counselor guidance and wisdom you get down to where the core beliefs came from. 

I have always thought she loved me but really didn't like me. I knew I was alone from that point on when even my mom didn't like me. This was my child's perspective and is the basis for the story I have been telling myself all my life. I was a child and this is how I explained this to myself. 

I am growing leaps and bounds these days. I have always felt that we start out life like a shinny ball and then life happens. Layers of wet blankets are thrown over us and we adapt to the weight until the shinny person we started out as disappears. 

I didn't willing faced my demons I was forced to face the pain of those outer layers when I was left by my husband at 30. The only person I had ever trusted left me and couldn't go on. I went to therapy and then Al-Anon until I felt relief and thought I was done but life dished me out another round that showed me I was far from it. I had another breakthrough but lately I have felt something missing.  I am happy and content but not joyful and really didn't think joy was possible.  I have felt moments of joy lately something I have only experienced with new love.  

I really think I am starting to see that original shine I once had. It feels strange and even a little scary but I am ready to relax and let myself be joyful. 

EMDR -damaged without hope - Choose again

Today I decided to use the EMDR sound plus music therapy that is used to address trauma. I thought 15 minutes as part of meditation would be a good idea.  Just like all my meditations my mind was all over the place until I arrived in my childhood home.

I was in our den with the braided oval rug and I can see my mother now laying on the teal couch that Lurlene from our church had just recovered for us.  My mama spent most of her days sick on her favorite couch. She never had chemo therapy just radiation but food was the enemy for her and when she was sick this is where she stayed..

In the meditation she could see me as I am now and she called me over and took my hands.  I told her I didn't know she was going to leave us and she said that she was sorry for not telling me the truth. She took my hands in hers and said "look we have the same hands". She said that I have always been a part of her and that she was proud of who I have become. She offered to let me lay on the couch with her but since I am not a child I am too big. I laid my head on her chest and she stroked me.  I cried the whole time and I am still crying just writing about it.

All my life my memory of my mother has be from a distance.  I could see her and remembered things she did but I never remembered what she said or recognized her as a flesh and blood person. I thought it was because I had forgotten and not because I was blocking the feeling of loss. I have never let myself feel that loss. I have felt it through other losses in my life but the one true loss I had I never really acknowledged. I was a child and I didn't know how to deal with it so I put it away forever.

I always thought I was a burden to my mother when she was sick.  I was strong willed and tried to be good but I never was sure what I was doing wrong. Seeing her in my meditation she felt like a real person and not some far away dream of a voiceless person.

The way EMDR is suppose to work it that the eye therapy, sound or tapping distracts the conscious mind and lets unconscious memories of thoughts come to the surface. I am not an expert but I have had two breakthroughs that have helped me to address beliefs I have had about myself my whole life. The reason I think "I am not enough"  the reason I think people leave me even if with my mother it was in death. My child's mind put this idea there and I have built on it with every loss.

I believe that we form our ways of coping with life from a child's perspective. When we become grown up we just take those core views and embellish them to suit our current situation. The brain always takes the simplest route or routine so it is easier not to question our thinking. This is why when we have some life altering crisis we start to question our thinking. It is too hard for most people to give up who they believe they are because without our identity we feel naked and empty.

I know this first hand but this doesn't last long. Even without our identity we are still here and can choose again. We can choose to re-create a happier healthier person by rejecting the idea that we are permanently damaged and without hope.  This is a lie built on the ideas we formed as children.  We can choose again and know that it is only our thoughts and false beliefs about ourselves holding us back.

Whether my meditation was brought on by EMDR or if it is the belief that it  might help me have a breakthrough it worked.  I have been that young girl hold people at arms length because I thought they might leave me like my mother did.  I haven't wanted to take that chance again. Today I can see that and I feel dancing around the house.

You will be alright - EMDR Finding Peace

I cam across a technique called EMDR it is either administered visually or by sound.  It is used to address PTSD and has been around for a long time. I saw a therapist on a YouTube stations called "Your Inner Mammal".  The technique is suppose to distract you thinking brain long enough to heal the buried trauma you have. I did research this before and it has been quite effective for some people.

It is recommended that you use a certified therapist for this technique but I am my own therapist at this point so I decided to give it a try.  They have three methods visual, auditory and tapping on alternately on two sides of the body. I am not recommending this for anyone else.

I don't really feel I have hidden trauma all my trauma was right out there in plain view so I just decided to go with the flow. I used the visual clip first and didn't feel anything special then I tried the one with music.  This uses headphones that play music and alternates tonal beeps from the left ear to right ear and is very pleasing to listen to.

I was in my meditation for a few minutes when my mother popped up. She felt physically there and I was a small child again with my arms around here neck. I started sobbing and she said to me "I trusted you and I knew you would be alright no matter what".

You have to understand that my mother and I had a stressful relationship.  I was a "willful child" and had my own ideas about everything and we battled constantly.  I never understood why we had to do the things we did everyday. I questioned everything and ended up getting whipped a lot. My mother was in charge of discipline in our family and she believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child".

I know she loved me but we were at constant odds with each other. She worried constantly about my ability to fit in with the other kids.  I didn't really understand why this was so important to her.  Most of the kids seemed boring to me and I was always looking for adventure.  Besides when you are strong willed diagnosed ADD and raised in a Pentecostal church you have some likability issues.

When she got sick she didn't have the energy to focus on me or discipline me anymore. I have felt guilty all my life that I was such a problem child and that I caused her such grief.  I have felt that she gave up on me at some point because I couldn't be sorted out. 

In my meditation when I heard "I trusted you and knew you would be alright" it felt like relief to me. It wasn't that she gave up and was disappointed in me it was she trusted in my ability to go on without her. I felt she somehow knew I would make it even though I was so young.

This was strange to me that this came up so quickly I haven't been thinking about her or my childhood lately.  I have believed all my life that I am a problem to others.  I don't want to be a burden and have tried to focus on taking care of myself. I have been autonomous emotionally. Spending my time in the background and supporting  other people. 

I felt relieved when I emerged from the meditation.  I felt had really seen my mother for the first time since my childhood.  She was holding me something I that I don't remember happening too often. 

I going to say the therapy was a success for me. I feel I am working towards more freedom emotionally and that works for me.  I am in transition right now purging the past and getting ready for an exciting future.