Mental Health - Denial - Lives are wasted

This is the moment when we find out what we are made of and if the tools we have picked up along the way will sustain us. It is natural to feel shocked and overwhelmed by the people around us that don't feel the same way we do or worse they assume we believe the way that they do.

I got a pretty outrageous text from someone that said the people on TV were hired by the government to impersonate normal flag waving patriots despite the fact that their leaders have been identified. I did not reply because I wondered if I had given them the idea that I would be be happy to get this message. I thought it might be a group message but it was only for me.

Our chemistry dictates that we feel better when we belong to a group. Our serotonin goes up and stays up when we feel like we are some how part of a special group. That need is strong especially now when we have to rely on our own emotional stability to survive. Hours and hours alone with the our media of choice pumping us full of fear we want to feel like we are right and they are wrong. This is our brain at work. 

We aren't feeling stable and safe enough to take a time out and be okay not knowing what will happen tomorrow. Our brains want more information so we can solve the fear and uncertainty we are feeling or to make easy we just choose black or white. 

I have had a lot of experience with feeling so insecure and scared that my mind literally took a time out. It broke and I felt blank for awhile. You know this if you have been here before. 

The good news is that we will make it. The world and politics moves slowly whether we like it or not. Healing moves slowly whether we like it or not. All we can do is control what we are letting into our brains. We have to stop feeding the fear and find peace for today.

The text made me sad and I am not sure what I will say about it but for now I am putting that relationship on hold until I decide what needs to be said.  Although the relationship is casual it feels dishonest to me to just pretend I am on the same page. 

Denial is our way of coping with when we can't come to terms with the truth. This is why we stay in relationships too long or ignore the abuse in an alcoholic relationship. The thought of facing the pain that comes with seeing the truth is too terrifying. We get stuck thinking things will change. 

I do think we stay denial until something bad happens and then we either say enough is enough or we dig in deeper. I am a coward when it comes to this and something bad has to happen to make me snap out of it. In relationships this hurts everyone and the end result doesn't change it just gets postponed and lives are wasted. 

I have a lot experience with denial and it saved me on more than one occasion. It has it's purpose and while our sub-conscious is sorting things out it is a nice place to visit. Living there will alienate you from the people that want to help you to get better and to move on. You are left with those that are like you that feed the sickness and keep you stuck. Only we can only decide when to face the truth and go from there. 

When faced with the denial of others we can only watch. We have to wait until they are ready to move on but can't pretend to go along with it. This prolongs the inevitable awakening or in some cases the loss of someone we love. 

This post is mostly about relationships and not politics but the denial of another does force us to choose our own sanity over trying to change another person. We can still love them from a distance and not banish them from our lives but we have to protect our own peace.  

Friends - Change - Renovation

I have written a few post over the past few weeks but lost interest before I posted them. I am coming to the end of my renovation and this weekend I will be putting the house back together. The kitchen is beautiful.  I still don't have gas because the gas man tripped over his dog and broke his foot. He gave me the name of another company where his sister in law works and they are going to squeeze me in on Monday.

I took a spontaneous trip over the long weekend to visit my childhood best friend.  We have a long history including her mom letting me live in their garage when I left home.  There was no room in the inn at that point. We were five adults, one kid, two large dogs and three cats living under one roof.

It was complicated with 5 vehicles parked in the drive way.  I slept in the garage with the cats and the car it was heaven to me.  I was free from the emotional roller coaster of living with my dad and my step mother who thought I existed as free labor.  Leaving after my dad threatened to have me fired if I didn't quit my job and babysit full time so my step mother could go back to work.

My friends mom was at one time my own mother's best friend.  Both of our families were Pentecostal but we didn't attend the same church.  We lived on the same street but my friends mom was a person that focused on the bad things that were happening in the world.  Instilling in my friend a lot of fear.

Her husband left her around the same time my mother died.  He ran off with his secretary and my friend's mom never married again.  She didn't let her fears keep her from living and some of her happiest times she spent playing piano at a inner city church for the homeless.

What I loved about her is that she always had a plan.  When we were kids every Friday night the family drove to the park and had a picnic dinner.  Anyone that wanted to come was welcome and this ritual continued even while I was living there.  She was a godly woman who never remarried because she felt it was sin in gods eyes to divorce.  She never tried to control her kids and I think my friend was the only one of her kids affected by her fearful side.

I always felt welcome there we all took care of ourselves and I bought my own food.  I never wanted to be burden since she so generously let me stay there that summer. I was happy to be able to just live my life without being some one's Cinderella cleaning and babysitting.

My friend and I haven't been close for most of our adult lives.  We are very different people she lived at home until she married in her 30's. She quit work to home school and raise her kids. They moved out to a rural area to get away from crime.  So far out I thought something was wrong with my GPS.

I don't have any judgments about that everyone has to find there own happiness.  When her kids were young and she had to be right about everything she tried to preach to me about my life.  I had just met my ex and we were living in sin.  Time has passed and we both know more and are less right about things. When her mother passed away I went and stayed with her. It seemed the same as always polar opposites just hanging out. We have history.

Our mothers were opposites too and so it seems appropriate that we are the same.  Her kids are leaving the nest now and both her parents and the other woman have passed she is feeling a little lost without so many responsibilities.  I think it is interesting that we are both the same people we were on the inside that we were when we were kids. We still fit the same way which is nice.

It feels like to me that we start out one way in life and we decide that we are going to be different or life circumstances change us.  Then as we mature and relax we come back to the person we were when we were kids.  We know none of our rigid thinking really matters and we live and let live.

I think my renovation represents what is going on inside of me mainly a fresh start mixed in with who I am at the core.  My kitchen is simple and calm with a big splash of color.  It isn't what I would do for a customer but it fits me and I love it.

"Who cares!" - Dreams

I have been having some strange dreams lately.  This morning I woke up after an old friend and I were out driving around in our pajamas's or at least I was in my pajamas when we spotted an deli with what looked liked some yummy treats.  It was just a store front with everyone just standing around sampling things through a window.

I remember asking my friend "do you think they will notice I am in my pajamas?"  She replied, "who cares!"  When got out of the car one of the guys started treating us like real customers offering up incense sticks as a gift. His partner gave us the once over and shock his head at the other guy and he withdrew his offer. They did not speak English and I figured we were in another country.

I don't give much credence to dreams.  I think they are usually a mixture of bad TV and a late dinner.  If I had to interpret this one I would say that I miss my friend. She was a bit of a bully and ran off during my dive into blackness. It is of course more complicated than that.  She was emotionally shut down except for anger and couldn't really relate to the profound grief I was going through losing my relationship and the life I once had.

She told me that she complained to her husband about my extended grief and he said  " sure you would be over me in about five minutes."  I wondered if that was true.  They have split since then and I imagine that it wasn't that easy.  She had what appeared to be the good life but he traveled and she was lonely. When he did come home he spent his free time at the local bars.  He was really into music.

She wanted a man that was into the spiritual not the spirits.  She complained to me for years about him and I suggested she go to my counselor.  She did go and then they went and then he announced he wanted out. This was about the same time as out friendship ended.  I always wondered if she blamed me for the push for counseling.  I had heard here pain for many years and wanted her to find some relief so I don't accept the blame. 

I saw my counselor a year ago and she said my friend was doing well and was very happy.  I thought that it was good that she had moved on and found some happiness.  I have thought of calling her but I have a hard time going back where I have already been at least willingly.

I know sometimes if I am honest I find myself repeating the past.  Even if it is different places and faces the underlying theme is the same.  I gravitate towards the familiar what and who feels really comfortable. I have known different versions of my father throughout my life along with a few others.  I figure that is the relationships I am still working on.

In my family dreams are messages from God and are to be taken seriously. In my dream I guess I could say first come as you are and partake of every morsel offered. Don't mind the judgment of some people it only affects you if you let it.  You might miss out on some freebies offered to everyone else but "who cares!"

I don't belong - Losing my place - no where in particular

I have had a lot on my mind through the holidays.  It is never the best time for me emotionally sometimes I can just be satisfied with being neutral,  This year a few things came up that I really didn't understand.  The feeling manifesting in an under current of irritability festering on top of resentments and ultimately ending by blaming myself for screwing things up.

When I first entered the program I became part of a group where one person kinda served as the social planner and matriarch of the group.  About ten of us did all kinds of things together and at the holidays those of us that do not have family here would spend our holidays together.  This has been going on and off for about twenty years. Really.

This year it was announced oddly at a meeting that they wanted to spend Christmas alone.  When I stopped by the day after I was given a detail account of all the people that were there and what a fun time they had.

I had spent Christmas with a friend alone the third day in a row of cooking and eating together.  I felt out of sorts and really couldn't put my finger on why.  The marathon cooking did remind me of the past and the life I use to have that life involved a lot people. Back then I did enjoy the cooking but I am no longer that person and cooking three days in a row for just two felt like drudgery.

After hearing how great Christmas was where I am normally invited made me really sad. I realized I am no longer part of that inner circle the one place where I once felt like was my chosen family.  I no longer fit in there but whose to blame but me.  During my dark time I dropped out of the circle and lost my place and now my pool of close friends is smaller than ever. Blaming myself was the reason for my own sadness and irritability.

I know where is my gratitude? I was able to sort this out by admitting that I don't really fit with those friends anymore.  I have moved on just like they have but the issue is an old one "I don't belong anywhere" it an old story that I tell myself when my life doesn't look the way I thought it would look at any given time. Also telling myself that my life is small with mostly work.

I would like my life to be bigger and to have more moments of joy and laughter with friends but the truth is I love my work and I meet new fun people every day. It challenges me every day and I need that. This is more than most people can say.  I chose my work and mostly I love it.

Time has passed and I am also grateful that I came out of the dark even if this means I lost some friends along the way.  I worked through some pretty painful ideas I had about myself not being worthy of love because everyone I have loved has rejected me. So being rejected this Christmas brought up those feelings.

I  have realized that I can't define myself by how other people treat me.  Everyone is busy being the star of their own drama and they aren't paying attention to my wants and needs.  It isn't personal and when I went to the dark side I wasn' thinking of them I was just trying to save myself.  I did just that with the help of my own higher power.  It could have turned out differently and this post would not exist.  So I wouldn't change a thing.

You can't go back and do things over and you can't go back and crawl into the spaces where you once felt safe and secure. I know that security is an illusion and as you grow spiritually you learn to feel safe just where you are no matter what the day may brings. Today I am happy even if I don't belong anywhere in particular I am still here.

Stuck - Delta Dawn

I woke up this morning singing that old song Delta Dawn...what's that flower you have on could it be a faded rose from days gone by. Where did that come from? Does it mean anything or is it just a short in my brain.

It is a sad song about a woman stuck in the past wishing and waiting for an old love to come back. ... Did I hear you say he was meeting you here today to take you to his mansion in the sky... Is he dead? This could be a long wait.

I have been that woman many times and I can go there pretty quickly when I look too closely at where I am now. Right now I am at work sitting in a pile of endless details. Alone no customers and nothing the least bit interesting to work on.

It is life. It is being an adult and it is what I am not getting paid to do right now. The not getting paid, doesn't help with the motivation factor. Today life seems like an endless series of monotonous tasks. I am a child today wanted to be entertained.

Let's get back to Delta Dawn. The belief that only one person or one thing will make you happy is a tragedy if the possibility of getting that thing is slim to none. It is a self made prison the longing for what was or could have been. Do you really know it would be happily ever after or maybe worse than you could ever imagine.

I knew a Dawn once she was in recovery. When we met she and I had an instant connection. She was a part my life for awhile and then she slipped away without a word. Sometimes life is like that. Those of us in recovery are the healthiest of the sick people. But it doesn't mean there isn't still plenty of work to do.

I still miss her an hope she is happy where ever she is today. I feel better with a little writing under my belt and maybe I can now tackle a few mundane chores.