Dreams - Reality - Green Beans

I had a dream this morning that I was in a cafeteria buffet line and a older guy had put a serving of chicken on my plate with some green beans.  Suddenly he decided that he wanted me to have fish and took my plate back and gave me a piece of fish but in the process threw away my green beans.  I ask for more green beans but her refused and I had to ask for a manager to get my green beans.

Dreams are so real sometimes and I wonder are we really living in a second world.  I know when I dream like this that I have stayed in bed too long. The details were incredible and I remember when I got my green beans I thought this has taken me 45 minutes to get through this line.

I guess it is Thanksgiving bringing on food dreams and I do prefer fish to chicken but I do like my green beans.  I am on my own this year without plans for the day but feeling okay with it.  I have cooked and served hundreds of people on Thanksgiving mostly spending my time cooking and cleaning alone in the kitchen.

For many years I enjoyed the process of cooking a big meal for the people in my life that I loved. Feeling productive and making sure everyone had a meal to remember. When I was young my husband and I cooked for 20 - 30 people some of them strangers to us but without a place to go.

In my last relationship I cooked for my ex's family and my friends.  It is strange to think about that now.  It has been over a decade and the person that did that no longer exist. I don't feel sad today being alone. I think for the first time I don't feel lost and wanting more from my life than what is right in front of me. I am off work until Tuesday and have a few projects on my list to keep me busy.

I have found that only resisting your current situation will bring you unhappiness.  We are taught to want more dream more and I agree with that but not at the expense of rejecting today.  Enjoy the day and if your with friends and family try to not want them or the day to be different and enjoy those green beans.

Mama's head - Making changes

I have always had a love hate relationship with the past and often wonder is the constant reminiscing really helping or hurting me.

When I started my journey first with counseling and then with Al-Anon I constantly spewed my story out to anyone that would listen.  I had kept it in for so long I just really wanted to be heard.  I also wanted to hear myself.  The steps and slogans  simplistic as they are helped me to first hear the thoughts in my head and then decide to change them from negative to positive.

The program slowed me down enough to take an inventory of my own beliefs and where those beliefs came from and whether they applied to me now. In my mind this was a total miracle that I could choose who I wanted to be and that I wasn't just saddled with this broken idea of myself.  Bad genes.

I could see that I was only a victim in my mind.  Sure other people gave me sympathy and love but that also kept me in my story.  I knew at the time that was what I needed and it felt really good to have people acknowledge my pain.  The truth was that I really just wanted the people that hurt me to acknowledge that my feelings even existed and to say they were sorry.

This deep want has stayed with me forever.  It comes from the child in me that is still hurt and is still saying "what about me? don't I matter?"  I didn't miss out on this when I was a child it was just that the sickness and death of my mother ended me being the center of the universe rather abruptly.  Because I became my own parent I didn't know that this would happen to me eventually even if my mother had lived.  I wanted to be seen again and have the loved the way my mother loved me.

I have been writing about my childhood and put together a timeline of the what was happening.  All the really great memories - big Easter egg hunt - giant birthday party with 50 kids - MS - Carnival all happened while my mother was sick the MS carnival five months before she died. My mother trying to show me her love and fulfill all my wishes.

Because my Daddy thought if we all had faith and only said positive things God would heal her. She couldn't say "hey you know I might not get better so lets just spend as much time together as possible."  My daddy was losing the love of his life and his mind could not accept it so we couldn't acknowledge what was right in front of us.

I understand that now maybe more than ever.  While writing about her I am becoming more of an adult about my childhood.  I didn't know the dates of those events were the last year she was alive. She was really sick and weighed less than 90 pounds at her death. How desperate she must have been to give us what she thought we wanted.

I had a dream this weekend that I had just her head.  Not like a gross horror movie but life in the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy was looking at the glass ball.  The head was smiling and talking and I took her to a party with me and everyone freaked out because she didn't have a body. When I woke up I thought "this is my own head" she gave it to me and I can take it wherever I want.

I have always felt like an outsider.  Early in Al-Anon I felt like I belonged until I started to feel like talking about our pain and suffering was really keeping us in our story and stuck.  The story was a habit that can define us.  There has to be a point when we just want joy and we have to put away the idea that without our story we are nothing.

I am not dismissing my story and I am planning on writing a book about it but it doesn't have to define me now.  I want to feel free to pursue joy everyday even if being totally open to a new life feels really uncomfortable. My mind is really freaked out and is constantly looking for a familiar distraction. Just like writing here.

I heard a scientific evaluation of this process. This is my version - You have habits and routines that you create and rely on for some period of time.  Your brain imprints these routines physically and then when you try to make a change it totally freaks and makes you feel unsettled.  We don't like it and are more likely to go back to auto pilot and the thing that we know because it calms us.

I saw this happening today. I have been wanting to visit a church nearby today.  The service didn't start until 11 but something in me did not want to do this and I ended up watching TV church like I have been doing lately. Now here I am writing about doing something new instead of doing something new.

I have had a few breakthroughs this holiday season.  I have been uncomfortable a lot but I didn't run towards anything instead I just sat with it until I had an awakening.  The thing with my mother is a big awakening for me to see that she wanted to grant me any wish I wanted since she knew she would not be there for me. I can appreciate that now.

The moral of the story is that we have the power to change our minds.  We can do this both through reasoning things out and by taking care of ourselves physically. These months without carbs and extra sleep have been astounding to me.  The clarity I have has been really surprising and motivating to me.   Today I am looking for joy.

"Who cares!" - Dreams

I have been having some strange dreams lately.  This morning I woke up after an old friend and I were out driving around in our pajamas's or at least I was in my pajamas when we spotted an deli with what looked liked some yummy treats.  It was just a store front with everyone just standing around sampling things through a window.

I remember asking my friend "do you think they will notice I am in my pajamas?"  She replied, "who cares!"  When got out of the car one of the guys started treating us like real customers offering up incense sticks as a gift. His partner gave us the once over and shock his head at the other guy and he withdrew his offer. They did not speak English and I figured we were in another country.

I don't give much credence to dreams.  I think they are usually a mixture of bad TV and a late dinner.  If I had to interpret this one I would say that I miss my friend. She was a bit of a bully and ran off during my dive into blackness. It is of course more complicated than that.  She was emotionally shut down except for anger and couldn't really relate to the profound grief I was going through losing my relationship and the life I once had.

She told me that she complained to her husband about my extended grief and he said  " sure you would be over me in about five minutes."  I wondered if that was true.  They have split since then and I imagine that it wasn't that easy.  She had what appeared to be the good life but he traveled and she was lonely. When he did come home he spent his free time at the local bars.  He was really into music.

She wanted a man that was into the spiritual not the spirits.  She complained to me for years about him and I suggested she go to my counselor.  She did go and then they went and then he announced he wanted out. This was about the same time as out friendship ended.  I always wondered if she blamed me for the push for counseling.  I had heard here pain for many years and wanted her to find some relief so I don't accept the blame. 

I saw my counselor a year ago and she said my friend was doing well and was very happy.  I thought that it was good that she had moved on and found some happiness.  I have thought of calling her but I have a hard time going back where I have already been at least willingly.

I know sometimes if I am honest I find myself repeating the past.  Even if it is different places and faces the underlying theme is the same.  I gravitate towards the familiar what and who feels really comfortable. I have known different versions of my father throughout my life along with a few others.  I figure that is the relationships I am still working on.

In my family dreams are messages from God and are to be taken seriously. In my dream I guess I could say first come as you are and partake of every morsel offered. Don't mind the judgment of some people it only affects you if you let it.  You might miss out on some freebies offered to everyone else but "who cares!"

Dreams - The body - Peace

I slept too long this morning.  I was lost in the dream world and it seemed so interesting I wanted to stay so I did.  The dream had to do with renovating a very old house for some customers the house definitely had some potential but what we were doing felt like a band aid. I decided to exit the dream because I looked down at my bare feet and there was a spider biting my toe.

I wonder about dreams are they some other world that maybe after we die we return there permanently. Maybe they are just clusters of a the parts of our mind that aren't very neat and organized. All our interest and worries jumbled together and we have to be there in person to deal with them.

I have been a little annoyed since I came back to work after taking a week off. I got a taste of what it might be like to take care of some of my own personal priorities.  Maybe that is what the dream was about the biting of the spider a painful wake up call for me bring my focus back to me and maybe even my body.

I have spent a lot of my time dealing with my mind and my emotions.  I finally feel that I have found the answers that will allow me to be free of the need to continue trying to fix myself spiritually. During that process my body was never a priority.  It just followed my mind around without much complaining.

So I have decided to go to a more plant based diet no extremes just more plants.  This past month I have been just eating when I am hungry and mostly just one bigger healthier meal a day.  This has satisfied me and I have lost a few pounds and took the focus off food.  I now think I am ready to go one step further and start focusing on preparing more meals at home and eliminating meat from my diet.

In my past I identified myself as a good cook I spent years in the kitchen preparing tasty meals to show my love. When that piece of my life ended I lost that part of me along with many other labels I had given myself. I didn't cook for others anymore and if I did cook the joy wasn't there for me. I just cooked to get by the passion was gone.

While on my healing journey and have reached a place of peace. I no longer feel that I am broken and need to be fixed.  I know I have been looking for someone to love and cherish me but really I needed to love and cherish myself first. I can do that now and stop looking for the external world to show me I am worthy of love.

What does this have to do with diet and food.  I guess it is just me listening to my inner self telling me it is time to start nourishing my body and giving myself the love I so freely gave to others with my cooking. A slow migration towards taking care of myself physically as well as spiritually.

Over the years I have given up things like Diet Coke which I craved. I woke up one morning and was done. Then I gave up sugar in my coffee and then coffee. None of this felt like deprivation I knew in my heart that I was using these things as crutches or little rituals that helped me escape from a life that scared me.

It feels good now to just trust the process and not pressure myself into big changes. My inner spirit will take me where I need to go if I will just stop long enough to listen. That is what time off did for me it gave me a chance to listen.

This is an appropriate theme for Easter a time of year for awakenings. I have given up who I thought I was for a more whole less needy person.  This came with a lot of suffering and has brought me to a place of forgiveness for myself.  I was never enough for me I can see that now and therefore never enough for anyone else. My journey I can see now has been truly a miracle.

Just a dream - Facing the anniversaries of my life

I have been off - line this week evidently my cable modem needed to be replaced to enable me to have a higher and faster life. I remedied the situation yesterday and went to the big box electronic store and bought a sensible modem.

I am against the invasion of electronics into every minute of our lives. I do love accessing a wealth of information when I want it but I don't like being assessable to anyone anytime. This does hurt my bottom line at work sometimes but I am willing to make the sacrifice.

While I was in the store yesterday I felt like I was on another planet. I thought I am old but I know even when I was younger I was resistant to whatever everyone else was doing. A rebel at heart I like life on my terms and have always gone against the norm it has been part of my identity.

The update for this missed week is that I had record sales last month and worked about 12 days in a row which I am going to try to avoid doing again anytime soon. I also had a few personal anniversaries from the past to deal with.

I wrote a post that couldn't be posted since I was off line at home and too busy or not that motivated to post from work. I would have been married 31 years. Why do we do that? Why do we long for what might have been and waste our nows on these dreams. A side note my ex put the wrong marriage date on our divorce papers so I am sure this date doesn't come up for him.

The reality is that relationships don't end because they are healthy and happy. Mine was emotionally abusive and living with someone drinking and cheating and blaming me for everything and was never going be a dream a nightmare for sure. My self esteem was so low living isolated with this person.

I found new love that worked for a long time. It did end but it was never abusive it ended because we both had changed. There was cheating involved but that was a symptom of something else a catalyst to give one of us the courage to change our minds about being together. I hold no resentments now and I am really grateful at this point. THIS TOOK A LONG TIME.

To embellish the sadness this I watched the last episode of Parenthood. Big family messed up but they held it together and had each other. That is a life I will never have. This does get to me sometimes I am human sometimes.

When my marriage ended and I was thirty there was still a chance of children and the family. I made a conscious decision to not take that route. I knew it would be a push to meet the right person and get things started. I wanted to choose someone for the right reasons.

I was tired and I didn't want to make another plan. I just wanted to let go and see what happened next with out expectations. I met someone three years later who loved me and love me well that was enough for me and I was content with my life. It was 10,000 times better than what I had experienced before.

So here I am alone again and six years have passed since that relationship ended. I am happier than I have ever been before. I am a whole person for the first time and not looking for something outside myself to solve my pain.

I want another relationship but I know that it won't complete me I don't need to be completed. It would enhance my life and make me a little less selfish but it isn't a solution. I have spent 23 years in committed relationships or at least I was committed and I know that alone or with someone else life is the same with one you just have a little more time for yourself.

I expect that I will find love again and I do expect that stories about big happy families will always make me feel a little sad around my would be anniversary. The dream of what could have been, lets face it, is just that a dream.

A Better Dream - More letting go

I heard the phrase "a better dream" today and it struck me by the power of these few words. Life for me has been about achieving a dream of emotional happiness. Finding the dream of a life where all the boxes had been checked and in the end would make me feel love and satisfied with my life.

For most of my life I tried many different ways to create the dream that seemed to work for a lot of people. I lived a very conventional life during two long term relationships. The the relationships didn't survive and when the second ended I nearly didn't survive. I had lost my best hope of achieving the dream I had in my mind.

I have been forced to look at what I have done with my time here on earth. Some would say it is just life but I expected better or I expected that it would be easier to to create a life with another person and I expected that it would be permanent.

I have always been a dreamer thinking that everyone finds the kind of love the love we see in the movies or the kind of love my parents had. The kind of love I might add that nearly destroyed my dad when my mother died.  I am have been like him with every relationship lost I have felt devastation. A bit dramatic but it felt like death each time.  I held tight to the dream of living life a certain way experiencing the ups and downs and having someone standing beside me.

I have given up on the pursuit of that one dream for a better dream. The dream of living each day with the expectation of wonderful moments where ever they come from. With some painful maturity under my belt I can admit I have no idea what will make me happy today or any day in the future.

I feels really good to be free from the responsibility of searching for something. I can reclaim all that lost energy and just live my life and that is what I am doing. I can have a better dream one that doesn't have to look a certain way. I can be open and let my life flow towards me instead of chasing an old dream that never really worked for me anyway.

A better dream......

Losing Control - Finding Freedom

Work is in full swing for me my old place of business was liquidated at auction.  Probably not the most cost effective way to take care of things but I am not there to do that.  I have moved on.  I didn't even feel the need to make a phone call or even to do a drive by to look at the damage. It is over for me now.

I am free.  I didn't realize what an emotional drain it was putting on me waiting for the next shoe to drop.

In the past I would want to blame somebody for the way things turned out but today I can accept that everything has an ending. Whether it is a job or a relationship everything must change and I have to learn to go with it and not try to stop life from happening.

Saturday at the end of the day someone got fired after being there for many years. Who gets fired on Saturday? We helped her put her things in her car she looked completely shocked. I have been there many times.

We are so afraid when we don't know what is ahead for us.  We ask ourselves "will I ever be happy again?" "will I ever feel safe again?'  When something in life surprises us it shakes us from the dream.  The dream that we have made up for ourselves that nothing will ever change. It feels so bad we never want to be there again.

For me I thought these things happened because I wasn't smart enough to see it coming. I knew if I would have to work harder and be better prepared the next time.  In my relationships this meant I kept people at arms length.  At work I tried to be perfect I would anticipate the needs of my customers before they even knew it themselves. This is exhausting.

To the people that I have loved and that have loved me back....

If I can keep you happy you will love
me.  If you are unhappy you might hurt me or at least not love me. If you aren't happy with me it must be something I have done.

I have suffered a lot mostly at my own hands because I thought I caused you to hurt me or reject me. I spent so many years trying to discover what was wrong with me and why you left me. Taking my own inventory over and over only to discover decades later that I don't have any control over how you feel about me.

The truth finally discovered  I have been absent for most of my own life. When I was worried about you and your happiness I was preoccupied and missed my own life and my own happiness. Your happiness always came first. I knew when you were happy I was doing things right and when you weren't I was doing things wrong.  I needed to know you needed me.

I see it clearly now and I have to let you go. I have let you be over there feeling what ever you have to feel. I have to be okay over here feeling helpless watching you even if that means you walk away.  I will be kind if I can.  I will be respectful of your feelings but they are not mine. I will love you even if it is from afar.  I will miss you if you leave but you won't take a part of me with you this time. I am here and you are over there and that is how it has to be.

 It it not my fault and it is not yours. It is just how it has to be me over here and you over there.

Change - Peaceful Mind - Letting Go

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Sometimes you feel as though you are letting go of the dream of who you thought you would be. You have a big idea and you forge ahead and then it doesn't happen. You wake up in the morning and your life feels ordinary. There are a lot worse things than ordinary so most days I will settle for ordinary.

Today I feel like a little part of my dream for myself has come to an end. It doesn't feel like devastation but there is sadness in my heart. I have to believe that in some way some day I will look back and see how all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. But for today I am sad and I feel like I have given up.

Life is like that we hardly every get exactly what we expect the way we expect it and sometimes when we do we are still not happy.

I am grateful today to be clear headed and not depressed. I am grateful that I feel strong enough to look change in the face and say "bring it on" I am ready.

What I learned during my journey through grief and depression is that nothing really matters except what is going on in your head. All the things and people that you thought you couldn't live without seem pale in comparison to losing your mind. The one person you thought would never leave you.

I am not the same these days I see my life from above now. Like I am watching a movie character and I know that the movie ends well so I am not too worried for her.

In my life I have done a lot of things to trying to create the security I thought I lost when I was younger. I felt like everything in my life needed to be permanent in order to feel secure. My relationships, my job, my house and my stuff.  I thought when things changed or went missing I was doing something wrong and so the next time I would try harder to nail things down.

This time I learned that what I needed was spiritual security. A knowing that I am never alone and that a mind that stops seeking happiness outside itself is a peaceful mind.

Interpreting Dreams

I have been focused on trying to make a big decision about my life over the past few days and this morning I had a dream that represented just how I feel about making a decision.


I dreamed that I bought a chair. Obviously this is a designers dream when you are purchasing furniture. Anyway I had to take my one chair on a boat to get home and half way there the other two women on the boat said "you know we have to go over a  water fall."

I asked them what I should do about my chair and they said to put it in a sack. There was one there made out of scuba divining material. It just fit and then we went over the water fall and me and my chair got home safely.

I have been listening to Martha Becks book "Steering by Starlight" and she has a dream interpretation segment. She said to pretend you are each of the objects in the dream.

I thought about this. I am the chair alone one of a kind on an adventure. I think I am in danger about to go over a waterfall when I realize I do have water tight protection a thick skin. In the end everything is fine.

I could be the other women who have taken the ride before and willing to give out information to someone who doesn't have any experience.  I could be the boat a sturdy structure that can withstand such a ride and flexible enough to not break apart. I could be me where I am now not sure but willing to take direction.

I am terrible when faced with major decisions. I usually wait too long until something forces my hand. In the program we say "deciding not making a decision is really making decision." Analyses paralysis. None of this helps when I am in the loop of "you must make a decision."

There is no emergency so this week I am going try to put they decision on hold. Give myself a time out to just enjoy an extra day off this week.

Going upstairs - This is not my life anymore

I having the first guest in my house next weekend. I have been working on preparing the upstairs where she will be sleeping. I am the only person that has ever slept up there and I did that because my groovey waterbed sprung a leak.

I think that was a couple of years ago. Grieving the loss of a relationship, depressed and menopausal I have no concept of time it could have been three years. I will have to check my blog to be sure. Pretty pathetic but at least I can laugh about it now.

When I go up there it feels really oppressive. It is full of things from the past which are still useful but don't necessary go together. Some things I keep for sentimental reasons others because it seems wasteful to just get rid of them.

The friend that is coming to visit will not understand the sentimental part related to stuff. She has been on the move all her life and told me once that her first thought when she acquires something is how will she get rid of it.

She has had commitment issues but strangely enough she told me last week she is getting married. Progress for her I think. I will be happy to hear the details.

When I go upstairs it reveals a lot of things to me. First it reminds of my past the things that represent something or someone that is no longer in my life. That's it, writing those words brought emotion. The tears are about the life that I am no longer a part of a dream that has been washed away.

It also reminds me of how sick I have been the past four years. Just barely able to get through each day. I feel like I have recovered from a long illness in that space and I want to do something drastic to erase the memory of past. There is just a bigger dose of it upstairs more relics.

It makes me mad that this still bothers me after all this time. It is a process I know but at least I know why I am feeling this way, but is always surprises me. Everything heals in time if you let it.

Can I really let go?

It has been a week of emotional turmoil. My business partner and I had a blowout. She left and then returned and started yelling at me and stormed out for the day.

I don't react to this kind of behavior and was really pretty shocked. I have seen it before but not directed towards me. She did send me an email later in the day apologizing for the outburst but making sure that I knew she was right. Maybe she was but by that time that wasn't really the point.

We have both taken a step back and are looking at whether we can be partners. I can see myself in her 20 years ago always pushing my agenda and feeling like a victim everybody against me. I couldn't trust anyone and everyone was dumping on me. That still happens but only if I let it. Back then I couldn't detach long enough to see the situation from any ones perspective but my own. Reacting, fight or flight.

I am slower to come to my conclusions now and probably try too hard to see it from the other persons side. We are the way we are because it works for us or it did work at some point so we keep using it. This is what the program taught me and then it taught me that I could let go of behaviors that no longer work for me.

Do I want to sign up for this kind of very familiar relationship? The day to day drama of not knowing who is walking in the door. I am dealing with my past here resurfacing once again. God asking me, do you want this lesson one more time? Can I choose myself this time?

I had a dream of us building something together but that faded somewhat this week. This will never be about what works for us only what works for her. Eyes wide open this time. I don't expect people to change for me anymore I just have to decide if I can live with them the way they are.

I can feel that familiar feeling of wanting someone else to be different than they are. Trying to salvage my vision of what I thought the future would look like. Sugar coating what will clearly be a problem for me sooner or later.

This is the real issue here. I can only see my dream coming true one way. I am limiting the possibilities for making this happen any other way. Awareness is the first step to letting go and I think I am ready.

With a higher view I see I am limiting God's ability to provide me with something even better than this. I don't have to take the same path again if I choose not to.

I am not moving too quickly all will be revealed. I am alone here today which is a relief and that will give me time to work on my ducks.

Faith or Denial

What is next? That is what I am asking myself today. I treated myself to a big fat juicy hamburger for dinner last night. It was technically a Patty Melt a new item on the menu at my favorite local restaurant. They have become like family and since I decided that I a want a life of solitude I go there once in awhile alone. I needed some comforting food in my grief and they are always very kind.

Now that Sandy's gone there is even more open space in my life. I can revisit getting a roommate and leaving town if I want. With the work situation I have no funds so the latter probably won't happen soon. It seems strange all the emptiness all this uncertainty but for the most part I feel like it is going to be fine. Denial or faith, does it really matter?

My horoscope said today it didn't matter how carefully I planned that things were happening too quickly to keep up and to just go with my gut. Paraphrased of course. I read them every day along with the hexagram. Always just for inspiration take what you like and leave the rest. The hexagram is ancient Chinese proverbs or something. Today it was Patience. It talked about when one is fishing it is the patient fisherman that ultimately gets the catch. It also said waiting builds spiritual strength and in times of waiting the wise use the time to focus on God.

Truthfully in all my whining I have gotten better at waiting than I ever have been. It is my nature to jump ship plunge into the next thing right or wrong just to stop the anxiety related to uncertainty. Better to be wrong than to feel any discomfort.

This I am afraid is my lesson. I don't really understand God's plan he didn't ask for my approval or consult with me to get my ideas. This is really hard for me a doer just to float along and watch life unfold.

I am having heart palpitations at night and dreamed I was trying to get a job at Subway. So maybe I am having a little anxiety. I am still waiting on the call back about the job.

Here I am in the boat with no oars today. Hoping that my faith will carry me through and believing that it isn't just denial.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts about my loss it is appreciated.

Dream Dream Dream

The song goes whenever I want you all I have to do is dream, dream, dream dream. Today would have been my 27th anniversary if my husband and we had stayed married. We made it 9 years but the effects of alcoholism in his childhood an ultimately in our marriage could not be overcome.

We didn't have any tools to work with back then. He is married and has a couple of kids now. I don't know if he is happy in his marriage but I do know he is happy being a father. We didn't have children because his childhood was volatile and he thought that bringing children into this world would be a mistake. By the time he changed his mind the drinking had escalated and I knew I would be on my own with taking care of kids. I wasn't willing to take on that responsibility.

I loved him in a way that doesn't come often. Our childhood was similar in that we both lost our mothers at the same age. The difference was that his father went on a three year drinking binge and four out of six kids were farmed out to relatives. He and his younger brother, the middle kids, were left with dad. It wasn't pretty and a lot of things happened that made them adults too quickly.

Our bond wasn't healthy basically two halves don't make a whole. We were inseparable and never spent a night apart until the last year of our marriage. He was my best friend and I thought it was going to kill me when he left. The drinking took him from me little by little and ultimately he was a stranger to me in the end. When we met at the courthouse he was at a drinking peak, a case a day was the information he offered. He had grown a beard and was wearing sunglasses indoors. He put the wrong wedding date on the papers he prepared, another blow to me.

I am sure he isn't thinking of me today and that is ok. I believe dates come up subconsciously so you are better off to acknowledge them for what they are. They are a part of your history and for me I have made peace with this relationship. I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I know now about the effects of alcoholism on relationships. He did write me a letter of amends that went along way towards me forgiving him for finding someone else during our marriage.

It is hard to get over those extreme co-dependant relationships where one breaths out and the other breaths in and I think that is why I still miss him. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and the reality of the situation fades in your mind.

I can wish him well today and I think that he has worked through his issues with his dad. We emailed a few years ago and he seems pretty happy being a father and he said that he hoped I had found the happiness I deserved.

I do deserve happiness and I am starting to find it on my own now without someone to share my life with. I still want a relationship and I intend on finding one but for today I feel good just where I am, but I do still dream.

footnote: My husbands father did get sober right after the three years. He met someone and did it without a program and without amends. My husband was angry at a man that everyone thought was terrific. He felt guilty for the way he felt. The program works and helps families deal with the resentment even after sobriety.

Dreams

I had a good day yesterday and felt at peace, something that hasn’t been a staple in my life for longer than I want to admit. This morning I had a lot of people from my past show up and not show up in a dream. Today I have been sorting out the meaning of the dream. In the dream I was going to a party expecting to meet someone and they never showed up and then there were some other characters from my past that did.

I don’t believe in dream interpretation but I do think that sometimes your dreams tell you what you are working on. A friend was over last night and we were looking at old photos from about 20 years ago. I looked stylish and put together but I was living with active alcoholism and did not know of the impending meltdown heading my way.

It was a long time ago and I survived and actually the loss of that relationship changed the course of my life in a good way. I had to wake up and begin to address what was really ailing me and start the process of my own recovery. It hasn’t be all smiles and giggles but worth it.

I have a lot of anniversaries coming up this month and I will have to work at keeping the past in perspective. Two lines from the Promises of AA come to mind. We will not regret the past nor shut the door on it. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

So for today I will practice acceptance of myself and the decisions I have made in my life that have lead me to where I am today. In my dreams I hope to find what I am looking for or something better.