Feeling Great = Resistance - Surrender

Feeling great is something that I am always in search of and on the occasion that I find it I try to analyze and re-create the circumstance that led me to feeling this way. When I am sad or depressed I do the same thing I try to figure out what made me take the dip and how to avoid it the next time.

This is a tiresome rotation that seems natural and logical in the real world but for me I find it does more harm than good. I find myself saying to myself  "I don't want to be this person" the person that feels out of control and unlikeable mostly to myself.

As I move further into freedom from these traps of the past I can see it is this pattern of thinking that causes just about all of my pain and suffering. Not to mention the time I have spent thinking about how to feel one thing and not the other.

This week I made a mistake and some cabinets had to be reordered. When I found out about it I was crushed I didn't want to be the person that made this mistake. I didn't want to feel this way and I didn't want this idea that I have about myself, that I am good at what I do, to be tarnished either.

I squirmed around with this feeling for the whole day. I thought what will the customer think of me? Then I realized this was just in my mind and that this kind of resistance was not helping. I realized I didn't want to be where I was and I was scrambling, only in my mind, to get away.

Making a mistake touched some part of me that is convinced that I not good at anything. This is proof positive. Right? How old is this story?

It is hard to recognize the story we have about ourselves it has been there a long time. I feel freer than I ever have these days to live in the moment and not have a story at all. I see that withou my story I can surrender and all those judgements I have about myself fall away. They are just thoughts not reality.

I called my customer and she was totally okay with everything and said "these things happen" I wanted to defend myself and say this doesn't normally happen to me but I didn't. I let it go.

When I can relax into what is and not grasp onto just the good feelings and push back anything that doesn't feel good I can be free from the desperation, that all this wanting something different, makes me feel. I can move on to the next thing and enjoy the silence in my head. OK it is never completely silent.

Wishing my life away.

They tell you to savor every moment but some moments suck and I wish they would just move on.

I feel like I have been in some weird holding pattern in my life. Since I woke up from my menopausal coma I am anxious for things to happen or really just for some happiness and stability to come my way.

The business deal is stalling and my fear is that it isn't going to happen. I know only a few weeks ago I was thinking about leaving the industry. Then I decided I could do both and now I may be forced to leave after all. Projection.

I am tired of so much change and instability and it came to a head yesterday. My heart was racing and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I can't take it anymore and nothing seems fun or interesting to me these days.

That was yesterday and today I had two appointments and collected two checks. I had a couple of new people come in for future appointments. So life goes on even if I am ready to give up on everything. I do try not to take myself too seriously. Really!

In my angst yesterday I decided to retreat to movies and saw Chronicles. This is a very low budget Blair Witch Project kind of movie where the character carries a camera through the whole movie. I was relieved when it was over even if the last third of the movie was pretty decent. This did not relieve my anxiety.

I had to recover from the movie and went home and watched Ferris Bueler's Day Off and favorite movie from my youth. I pleasant predictable movie where the lens wasn't bumping up and down. I had a tuna fish sandwich for dinner and hot cocoa for desert.(not together that would be gross)

I am better today but I still feel like I am grasping looking for something I can not find. I am wishing to get past this period in my life but my fear is that I will always feel this way. Out of control.

That is what letting go is all about being comfortable being out of control. Trusting that everything is exactly as it should.

I will be distracted tonight I am going to a meetup.com party. The theme is chocolate. I am hoping to meet some new people and maybe alter my thinking or escape from my head all together. What a nice thought.

Enjoy your weekend.