Wishing my life away.

They tell you to savor every moment but some moments suck and I wish they would just move on.

I feel like I have been in some weird holding pattern in my life. Since I woke up from my menopausal coma I am anxious for things to happen or really just for some happiness and stability to come my way.

The business deal is stalling and my fear is that it isn't going to happen. I know only a few weeks ago I was thinking about leaving the industry. Then I decided I could do both and now I may be forced to leave after all. Projection.

I am tired of so much change and instability and it came to a head yesterday. My heart was racing and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I can't take it anymore and nothing seems fun or interesting to me these days.

That was yesterday and today I had two appointments and collected two checks. I had a couple of new people come in for future appointments. So life goes on even if I am ready to give up on everything. I do try not to take myself too seriously. Really!

In my angst yesterday I decided to retreat to movies and saw Chronicles. This is a very low budget Blair Witch Project kind of movie where the character carries a camera through the whole movie. I was relieved when it was over even if the last third of the movie was pretty decent. This did not relieve my anxiety.

I had to recover from the movie and went home and watched Ferris Bueler's Day Off and favorite movie from my youth. I pleasant predictable movie where the lens wasn't bumping up and down. I had a tuna fish sandwich for dinner and hot cocoa for desert.(not together that would be gross)

I am better today but I still feel like I am grasping looking for something I can not find. I am wishing to get past this period in my life but my fear is that I will always feel this way. Out of control.

That is what letting go is all about being comfortable being out of control. Trusting that everything is exactly as it should.

I will be distracted tonight I am going to a meetup.com party. The theme is chocolate. I am hoping to meet some new people and maybe alter my thinking or escape from my head all together. What a nice thought.

Enjoy your weekend.

If Wishes Were Horses....

We would all go for a ride. This was my Grandmother Bryant’s version of the rhyme. That is how I feel today. Wishing things were different today and not in a place of acceptance really. People move in an out of our live for various reasons and at the holidays it seems especially noticeable who is missing.

I always have new people in my life and for that I am grateful. Someone recently told me that you don’t make real friends after college. I didn’t go to college until I was 40 so that would really leave some lonely times. I enjoy my friendships old and new but I am feeling a little melancholy today.

Staying in the moment can be difficult this time of year and even if you don’t buy off on the Christmas marketing the wishing can still sneak up on you.