Magical powers - Intuition - worst critic

There has been a little lull in the action at work the past couple of weeks. The quiet has generated some fear about my security. I have push that away and decided to take this time to purge old files at both my current position and at home purging files from my closed company.  It feels like "This is Your Life" or "This was Your Life" depending which boxes.

I started with the more recent boxes from the old business which was during the end of the recession. Those jobs were mostly small jobs and for me thy represented some of the worst times in the business.  Since I packed up in one weekend I didn't have time to look at much of anything.  This seems like a familiar theme in my life leaving in a hurry. I had all the bids I gave whether I got the job or not.  The time I wasted on jobs that I knew in my heart would never happen. I needed them to happen to survive or so I thought.

I was new in the business and the times they were desperate and I had to at least try to close anything that came to me.  I am older and wiser these days and instinctively I know when I should pass on a customer even if sometimes I don't.  My intuition is good but sometimes I take a chance even if I know it is a long shot. This way I don't take it personally if it doesn't work out.

When going through these files I only saw my problem customers. The jobs where the people were difficult to begin with and I couldn't magically make them happy.  I skipped over the people that loved what I did for them and ended up with something better than they imagined.  I only saw my own short comings what I could have done differently.

When I am my worst critic it is because I believe if only I had been a little more on my game things would have turned out differently. It always puts the control back on me instead of all parties involved.  At the time I wanted to believe that I had magical powers and could make these people happy if only...this thinking leads me to "I am not enough" a core belief I have fought most of my life.

After the second box I felt I needed help so I turned to an old stand by on YouTube a teacher named Gangaji. The first video she said it  "We will never be enough" stop this endless search for perfection. Life is not about the destination of "being enough" the search for this feeling exhaust us and keeps us from loving the life we have. Seeing was is right with our world. Lost our thoughts instead of what is in front of us. I needed to hear it. My thoughts about myself were making me miserable.

Today I woke up lighter.  This is a pattern I have noticed about myself I take a dip and then I have another awakening and I am ready to move on.  I have learned or re-learned something and now I can stop taking myself so seriously.

I realize again that whatever happens isn't always about me.  I am not the center of the universe. All I can do is be my best self and let other people do the same and if it works out great if it doesn't just move on. The good news is that I only have three boxes left. UGH!

Safety Net - Anxiety

This week I started watching Big Eyes on Netflix but something about the impending disaster of the main character was more than I could bear.  I guess I can relate in some way to being sucked in by some charming person that promises you the world and then turns out to be just another person trying to survive and putting their needs first.

She wanted a quick fix the story book romance.  She was divorced back when women that were divorced were shunned. Today that seems it would be everyone.  I think we all want someone to make of feel less scared about life and our future.  When you are by yourself from time to time it feels like your out there on a high wire without a net.

I use to say I needed a soft place to land.  I have experienced that a few times in my life.  I did feel that in my last relationship.  I felt security even if it was a false sense of security.  All feelings of security are false at least long term security anyway.  We are human and have a limited amount of time here and we never know what will happen next.

I sometimes deal with mild anxiety to me this feels like when you have had way too much caffeine A restlessness overcomes me and I can't shake it.  It doesn't seem like it is tied to a particular event or even a thought in my head. This happened the other night and I decided to jump rope to see if that would get rid of the anxiety. It absolutely worked.

This made me wonder if a lot of my suffering over the years has been as physical and not always emotional.  I have felt good this week calm even though work is slow.  I have done a few things this week to stack the cards in my favor.  First I have cut back on sugar and carbs.  I have exercised in some manner each day - jumping rope and yoga at home. I have been eating giant salads - I have been working on a large charcoal portrait (my meditation)  and last but not least I did go to a meeting on Monday.

I am a thinker and I have always thought I could think myself healthy. In the program they say "my best thinking got me here".  I appreciate my mind and it has served me well in some areas but I think it is time to focus on the whole body, mind and spirit.

I have to admit I have been taken care of in my life.  In some magical way no matter what God for me has worked things out. I have always been afraid to relax and enjoy this always thinking I should be preparing for future disasters. I have experienced many disasters but not the ones I prepared for so I still wasn't ready. This kept me from enjoying each day and the joy it had to offer.

We all want to feel safe like the one in the movie.  I am sure it did work out for her in the end.  I don't really know since I didn't watch it.  Feeling safe comes when you look back and see no matter how bad things got that you are still here.  That somehow things did work out.  Not the way I imagined but I am still here and still have the opportunity not to waste one more day just tolerating life. I can to trust that there is a net below the high wire.