Denial - Survival - Manipulation

I am happy to be off this weekend.  I am still in the purging mode at my house touching everything I own to make sure I still want to own it.  I came across the family pictures of mostly dead people now some I know and some I don't.  Because I lived in the same city as my Aunt and she was the last surviving sibling on my mother's side I got all the pictures. 

In my constant desire for order when I got the pictures originally I separated them by aunts and uncles and thought that I would put them together and send them off to the kids.  Now with time I don't really know where the kids are or whether anyone would care at this point. 

I also had one file for my grandmother.  I have been writing my story and her character is pretty prominent and a character she was.  By necessity she was one of the most manipulative people you would ever encounter.  Her husband was killed in a sawmill accident when she was 30 leaving her alone with nine kids to support.

Under the circumstances my grandmother became the most resourceful person you can imagine.  She never remarried because she said "I don't want another man disciplining my children."  She was totally immersed in the the Pentecost even though she was raised Baptist. She never joined the church because they wanted her to be re-baptized and she that the first baptism was in the name of the same Jesus so she refused.  Even though the church gave her a piece of land and the materials to build her own house and she did of course.

My grandmother built a very thick wall of denial that rarely was penetrated.  She had her own version of everything.  She was very opinionated about a lot of things and didn't readily accept new people in her inner circle.  She kept  most people in that second ring in case she needed something from them.  She especially like strangers and they loved her because they were the easiest to maneuver and she hadn't exhausted them the way she did her family.

When my mother was alive grandmother would plan her own birthday party and invite all kinds of people. She had this one lady make her a fancy decorated cake every year as a gift.  At my grandmothers funeral the same woman came up to me and said "your grandmother would ask me to do things that even my own mother wouldn't ask me to do." I knew what she meant.

Once my grandmother invited everyone to her party she would call my mother and say "I got 20 people coming for a party at my house tomorrow."  knowing my mother would feel like she needed to make that work.  I felt for my parents because the wants of my grandmother dominated our household but no one stood up to her.  If you said anything she would cry and pout and then quote the Bible about disrespecting your elders. My mother was the youngest and took most of the heat.

I really couldn't understand why she got away with it. Every year we took a trip to visit my aunt in Michigan and up until the last minute she would say she wasn't going. Everyone would beg her to go but she would refuse then at midnight the night before she would call and say she was going.  Sometimes when we got to the house at 10 she would still be in bed not packed.

I can see my dad patiently sitting in the car or on my grandmothers porch while my mother helped her pack.  This was a regular routine.  She did this with her other son in law the day before she was to fly to my wedding and he left her. She manage to get a plane ticket and a neighbor to take her to the airport and got there before my aunt and uncle did.

She loved me almost as much as she loved my mother and after my mothers death and my dad remarried our visits were limited. My dad wouldn't have anything to do with my mother's family after that. Once my uncle stopped by and my dad was cleaning the gutters he never even came down from the ladder.  He loved my mother more than life and I think he only tolerated her family for her sake. Once she was gone he was done.  I don't think there was malice but he had moved on.

Looking at the pictures of my grandmother mostly on her birthday or Mothers Day always wearing a corsage and usually a hat I see a pretty happy person living a life that only existed in her mind. My mothers death did break denial for a few years.  She cried forever until she said God ask her to stop. 

When she was afraid or sad she wrote scriptures on random pieces of paper.  I have dozens of those writings that I saved.  Her faith was unbelievable and kept her going until the end.  She died at 85 in 1984 of bone cancer.  I can't say I remember too many specifics I was newly married living with active alcoholism and maintaining my own world of denial.   My plate was full and couldn't face the loss of the last person who I knew loved me for sure. 

It is weird how denial works it protects us from the things we can't bare to see for as long as it takes.  Why own up to a life that isn't living up to what we had hoped for? My own life of denial kept me in places far longer than I needed to be there because if I acknowledged the truth I thought it would kill me.

The problem with denial is that no one can reach you and you miss out on real connections. You can avoid immediate grief but it is still there underneath sucking the life of you so you don't feel anything.

I think the research I have been doing on my family has helped me to acknowledge a different reality than the story I have been telling myself. It got too real a couple of times and I to take a break.

I loved my grandmother and I understand the denial that she lived in most of the time.  The reality of her many losses was too much for her. She had to survive and take care of her family so in her mind she created her version of reality.  She loved me even though I called her out on her manipulating tactics and I can see eyes now behind those glasses with a little grin on her face.  She knew that knew.

Confrontation - Manipulation

After dinner last night my friends and I were discussion our alcoholic relationships that got us into the program. All the stories were similar from the standpoint of the slow erosion of our own self-worth to the eventual total domination.

One person said that she thought she had lost her mind because her husband told her regularly that she never said that. Finally she started writing things down and reading them to him just to prove to herself that she wasn't crazy. Only an Al-Anon would do that.

I know now this a two way street that you give away your power as much as it is taken but when you live with alcoholism or a sociopath even the most self-confident person can be manipulated. When something is said with such conviction you tend to question yourself and what you remember. My ex would regular tell me, "don't be ridiculous" when things didn't add up and I became suspicious of his drinking an cheating.

It is tricky because in a new relationship you are so in love and eager to please so you give in and then it becomes expected. My experience is with sick relationships that you become isolated with only one person for feedback and everything is distorted. The program helped me to become more whole and less dependant on validation from other people. Every one's opinion has equal weight and we can agree to disagree. Not thinking if I don't agree with you you wont like me. This might be true but now I am willing to take that chance.

Today I had a confrontation with a man that came in with his wife. She and his mother came in yesterday to look at counter tops and she said she would bring him back in today. He was very abrupt and said he wanted the cheapest possible because they were not going to live much longer.

When I gave him the price he said he wasn't going to pay for it until it was installed and he was happy with the product. I said we required a deposit and once I paid for the slab and it was cut for his kitchen it could not be used for anything else. He said he was good for his word and I said we have been here for 35 years and are also good for out word.

I felt bad for his wife I could see she was embarrassed by him and said she would call me later or not. He was angry at the world and she seemed use to managing him I did that with my ex and it is exhausting. Today I am comfortable in my own skin and can remain calm even when faced when facing a bully.

We need the business but sometimes it is better to not take on someone you know will be a problem. Life is too short. He was going to show me that he was in charge. I felt sorry for him living with so much anger.

It did shake me up for a couple of hours. I handled myself well even though my heart was pounding.

Givers Takers and Lessons to Learn

I worked today. I met my partner at one of my old jobs with her customers. They wanted to see a completed project. It was good to see my customer she is always up beat and happy to see me. It is good to feel appreciated in these times.

In my business people pay me for my opinion and expertise as well as the product. In this business you come across the takers especially in this market. I can spot them more easily now than at first. The people that really want something for nothing, usually in the form of free design advice.

This happened to me on Friday. I knew it immediately when she wanted my opinion on each room. It is hard to manage this sort of situation. You don't know the motive and for some, as we all know, it is like breathing. Subtle manipulation a little bait here and there ever so slight push to get you to move in their direction. It is the way they have survived.

The question for me is am I willing to work for nothing in the hopes that in the future it will turn into more. In this case I am selling counter-tops and there isn't much of a mark up so a gave them a few ideas but not enough to raise my resentment thermometer. I have already spent too much time on this client and when she called and ask me to fax her plan to another counter-top company I called her out on it. I said to her that I had already invested time and energy with her and she was now going somewhere else. She still said please fax it and I did.

At this point I decided God was handing me a gift by letting this go. So I let it go. She called back and said she was sorry that she did want to use me and now we are moving forward. The lesson is I have to value myself before others value me. I have to be willing to accept the outcome which in this case the possibility of losing the job. I was willing.

While I was visiting with my old customer she mentioned doing her two upstairs bathrooms and bedrooms. I measured and I am putting together a design for her. It is nice to be appreciated and a bonus to get more work. Every one has something to teach me if I am paying attention.