More lies I tell myself - 4th step work - Villains in my story

I have written 16000 plus words in the last 24 hours. It wasn't intentional but I began to write the story of my life as now view from where I am today.  I always ask myself if this is healthy for me or is it someway to put down deeper grooves in places in my brain that I am trying heal.

I think the love affair with our story can keep us stuck forever if we want. It is only in our own mind and anyone that we include in that story has no input in the story we have created. They can't defend themselves or explain what they were thinking at the time. It is just our version of the story.

We can make them the villain and us the hero whenever we want.  I know most people will think that they know exactly what happened and why the other person was wrong and they were right.  This of course how we live with the choices we have made and the wrongs that have been done to us.

I get it.  It is how we cope with the nature of what life dishes out to us. Our brain just keeps washing over these details until we feel better about them or more justified in the pain we carry inside. Again the other players not able to defend themselves.

Over the years I have done this kind of writing first really a fourth step and then again years later to see how far I have come healing the hurts. With every pass I see less and less pain towards the villains in my story. I can see just how screwed up my own thinking was when I entered these situations. Can I forgive them - Can I forgive myself. It comes down to our motives and there motives. 

I have forgiven just about all of the villains in my story except really one. My stepmother. I am not sure why I feel this way. Maybe because she was the one person that had the opportunity to change the course of my life. If she had been a better person and realize I was just a girl who had just lost her mother. She could have made me feel safe and loved. I know she had her own problems. 

Don't try to talk me out of this it won't work. I know intellectually that hurt people hurt people and I have done my share of hurting people. Her words her actions made my then developing brain believe that I was not enough and that to be loved I had to earn it. I had to be whoever another person wanted me to be. To be me was just not good enough.

I have to be honest after the writing I have done I was getting this message before she entered my life. I was a unique child and ask a lot questions. I was got whippings in name of love for having a mind of my own. Nobody appreciates independent thinkers. 

In my experience we are just weirdos alone on our on paths. I have been lucky to learn slowly to embrace myself and find a niche that doesn't draw too much attention to my uniqueness. I can do what I want and enjoy my life in the shadows. I have had my time in the sun and enjoying my anonymity. 

I think writing is good it has saved me plenty of times. Writing in my journal and especially writing here. I don't regurgitate my past too often but this weekend it felt right to me. I know the areas that need work because I get stuck and feel a little sick to my stomach. I have to take a break and begin again. 

I have healed my sad story by seeing the courage of my young self and I did beat the odds that were against. I was smarter than I ever gave myself credit for no matter what successes I had. I feel good today and happy to able to share my journey here. 

 

Take what you like and leave the rest - A God of my own understanding - surrender

I attended a memorial yesterday for someone younger than me.  This always gives you the chance to think about your own mortality and what will be said when you are gone. It is nice that everyone picks the best parts of the person that has moved on.  The version of the truth that will be what we will remember.

I remember my own father's service and how everyone that spoke said he was like a father to them. Ironically he wasn't like a father at all to me and I resented every good word spoken about him. I didn't feel like I meant anything to him or even anyone in my own family. The indifference my family had for me was all done by Christians. This made me reject my own childhood teachings.

I found God again when I got into Al-Anon I liked that the the statement "a God of your own understanding" and "take what you like and leave the rest".  These statements kept me coming back since in my heart I was angry at God. I could see how hypocritical it was for my family to be so active in the church yet not really care about one of their own family members. It felt like lip service to me.

I once said if my father was going to heaven I did not want to go. As I eased into Al-Anon I started to soften towards God. I was still a long ways away from even acknowledging Jesus as even existing as part of my past. The program is full people that have experienced the cruelty of religion and rejected by the people that were suppose to love them. 

My first experience with trusting God was after my husband left. I was not making enough money to support myself. Being new to the program and lived by every word - I read in the daily readers. I trusted that the God of my own understanding would get me through this devastation. I had lost my earthly god to alcoholism and I was and empty shell without the energy to do anything myself. 

I lived minute to minute in those days and unlike my former self I didn't make plans for the future. I was sad and exhausted and I surrendered to what ever came next. I had been beaten down by my situation and the fight in me had gone. 

During that time I experience many daily miracles. First the company I worked for decided to give my position a salary adjustment to bring it up to the same position in other companies.  Then I got a promotion to supervisor and these two things together gave a 30% raise. This never happens in corporate america. All the time I was barely able to get off the couch when I wasn't working. Now I had the income to pay my bills. With every miracle I became more grateful and started to heal. 

I didn't necessarily pray but I just turned everything over to whatever or whoever was out there running the show because I certainly couldn't do it anymore. When I did things got worse.

Where am I now? I believe that each of us has a divine center and depending on what has happened to us this divine center is either enhanced or distorted. We either shine our light upon other people or we are like a cloak of darkness putting out light wherever we go. We must look at how life has changed us and get rid of the lies we believe that are hurting us and the people we say we love. We can be free to love without pretending that the other person is or was perfect. We can stop feeling superior or inferior to the people around us and live in daily peace. 

Al-Anon taught me step by step how to live again. I loved that Al-Anon stressed anonymity not just because you needed to feel safe but because they didn't want your behavior to reflect badly on the group as a whole. This is what I was taught by my mother about being a true christian you won't need to tell people they will know by your actions. This is why I don't understand the hate going on in our own country and how churches can support it. Where is the love that Christ showed and taught during his time here. 

I have returned to my roots and my childhood teachings. I can now separate the weakness of the messengers without throwing out the message. If the words speak to me and I feel encouraged by the those words then I feel it is from the God. 

For me to forgive what my own family has done to me I have to know that they are imperfect just like me. I also have to forgive myself for believing what was said or in some cases not said. I never felt loved after the death of my mother. I chose people in my life that couldn't love me because I didn't feel I was lovable or deserved to loved. If my own family rejected me I must not be worth loving.

Over the years I have come to terms with those feelings and do now realize I am a child of God and therefore lovable. I can forgive the people in my past and I show myself the love I deserve whether I feel it from those around me or not. I am a whole person and today I am able to feel joy. 

In the end no matter what is said at my own memorial if there is one it doesn't really matter. It is whether while on earth I could find joy and if I was able to leave here without resentments. If I can lead by example and trust only in a power greater than myself. 

Take what you like and leave the rest. 

 

Making plans - Spinning Plates

I should have never had the idea of taking it easy in the month of July.  The universe shouted right back at me with more work than I could have imagined along with my renovation this has left me little time for anything but sleep. 

I am not complaining I just think is is comical when you plan one thing and something totally different happens.  This is where we get really messed up believing that we really have any control of our lives.  To have a plan is definitely the way to feel safe setting out on our path with a specific goal or destination and expecting things will go our way.  How we react when obstacles start popping up one by one testing our every movement forward is what really matters.

The pain is in the resistance of course not in the actual problems that arise.  For me my pain is not being able to meet what I think are the expectations of others. Especially in my work you have to decide who is serious and who is just poking around the idea of doing something. 

I feel mostly like I am gambling with my time and in the end my money. Who should I invest in and who has been watching too much HGTV.  Business comes in clumps not a steady even stream where I have the time to address first come first serve. You have to make those choices and I hate that part but I only have 24 hours in each day.

It stresses me out when I have to choose what I can fit into the time I have available in a given day. Sometimes working on what I sense is a dead end instead of bigger more long term projects. Why would I do that?  Because I am getting pressure and in order to move on I have to relieve that pressure.

I have gotten use to working like this over the years and once I have all my plates spinning I can really get a lot done. This why time away isn't good for me when I return  I am resistant to people hurtling plates at me and I have resentments.  Eventually I get back up to full speed and it all seems normal again.

What works for me is first not really making plans.  I have specific loose goals for the day and I do my best to meet them.  I tell myself that I have always worked this way and for the most part I can trust my instinct and I will get it all done.  If I don't then it wasn't meant to be and I move on.

I have ask other people in my business how they deal with it and they say there is no way to meet every one's needs all the time.  I am lucky that I enjoy what I do and I don't have a lot of personal commitments so I can put in the hours.

 It is good to put into words that it is okay to feel overwhelmed from time to time and that it all works out if you just don't make plans. 

12 steps - Sickness - Resentments

How does the program work?  I am questioning this today because I am feeling powerless over my friend and his very slow recovery. I feel guilty because I can't swoop in and save him and even more guilty that I really don't want to be his savior or any ones savior anymore.

The program is about deciding first that you have a problem and your powerless over it - then believing that some where out there or in here is a power greater than ourselves can fix this and turning it over to that power - Here is the tricky part deciding what is our part in the situation - then admitting it to ourselves and then someone else - then rolling around in it for awhile just getting use to the idea that we have a problem and we really do want to do something about it - after we are willing to give up get past the resistance and denial finally asking for the problem to be taken from us - deciding who we have hurt in the process and then going to  them and asking for forgiveness - being mature and staying current with our daily wrongs being honest with ourselves and others when we slip up - asking for guidance everyday and actually listening for an answer - living life being the best we can be and hoping that by doing so will inspire others to do the same.

How is that for my version of the 12 steps?  I feel powerless for sure in this situation and I know the program tells us that the ones closest to us are the least likely to help us when we are lost. This is why our best friend can say something a million times and we never hear it and then a stranger comes along and says the same thing and we think they are brilliant. We reject the truth from the people that love us because we don't want them to be right.

Being sick is hard and brings out the worst in us and we want to be rescued.  We want some adult to come along and feed us and tuck us in and give us permission to watch cartoons all day. Make our favorite foods and be the center of attention for as long as possible. This works when we have a cold and we are ten and we recover quickly and go back to school in a few days.

It isn't the same when we are adults first we don't have our moms with us and our friends have lives of there own. If we don't have a significant other and even if we do we have to find a way to love and take care of ourselves the way we would take care of our own child. It is a test of sorts " do I love myself enough to do what it takes to get better?" 

I understand this because just like my friend I was alone without children and my extended family was indifferent to me when I got sick.  I was the doer in my peer group and I thought in a crisis they would be there for me but my sickness went on too long and my neediness made everyone run from me just like I am running from my friend. He was the first to jump ship at that time and this is one of the reasons I don't feel obligated to become his full time caretaker. I know this is petty and I am wrestling with my feelings and resisting being the adult at this time..

We are alone in this world no one up there in our heads but us even though sometimes there is a whole committee just making things more complicated. We have to use what we have learned to dig deep to find the courage to love ourselves through it all even if we don't feel like the people around us love or care for us. We are certainly worthy of our own love and God's love our existence proves this.

My own recovery took a long time because I based my worth on what other people thought about me. The love of my life (I thought at the time) had rejected me, the recession made me a failure at work and my friends abandoned me when I stopped being the person they wanted me to be. Based on these facts I was unlovable and unworthy of being alive. In my mind I added no value being here.

I found grace and over time I started to love myself enough to take care of myself. The grace came in the form of clarity.  Seeing that my own thoughts made me hate myself thinking that I was not lovable and I had the evidence to prove it. No one was there.  The truth I was there just like I had been since the beginning.  The higher me waiting for the little me to give up and let go and start again.

My friends lack of interest in his own recovery is a sign that there is a deeper problem. It is also a physical problem caused by his brain starving for nutrition. I doesn't want eat enough to put on weight and has a very limited number of foods he is even willing to try. Reluctantly I am the adult in the room at this time. Maybe.

Resentments - Resolutions - Responsibilities

In the program I have learned a lot about my part in every situation. When I got here I was a martyr a victim of every situation in my life. I had no choice but to go along with whatever life dished out to me. But now I know every moment I can choose again. I can look at just about any situation and see the possibilities for growth.

I resolved the cleaning issue at work this week. I went out to lunch with my partner and she was telling me all she does at home is clean house. She and her husband and child moved back in with her parents when the economy tanked.

I asked her if this was why she didn't feel she needed to help me keep the showroom clean. She said yes that was part of it. She said we should pay someone and I ask her what she thought it was worth each month and she said a $200.00.

I said great I will pay myself $200.00 to keep the showroom clean. I am doing it for nothing now and this will eliminate the resentment I have thinking she should be helping.

Resentments only happen when we are doing something we thinks someone else should be doing or we think no one sees or appreciates what we do.

For me this is really a need to be validated. My worth is based on how valuable I am to other people. Then I get all indignant when people are caught up in their own lives and aren't paying me any attention.

I have to do things because I want to them or because it is the right thing to do with no strings attached. If I get my self worth from opinions good or bad my life will be a roller coaster depending on the moods of the people closest to me.

If they are having a great day and feeling generous giving me all kinds of compliments I feel high as a kite. If the next day someone cuts them off in traffic and they take it out on me then I feel low. I use to think this was always about me.

This is why I ended up in the spot light of the alcoholic in my life. In the beginnig I was the star and center stage and it was fantastic. It filled me up because I was empty and needed constant validation. But the light moved on and I was devastated. I did everything to try to get it back.

I blamed it on the drinking but really it was because the drinking took the spot light from me. I wanted to be the main attraction and I lost my place. I did crazy things to try to bring him back to me. When the pain reach epic proportions I had no where to go and ended up in my first meeting.

I have learned that it is good to be valued and loved by others but not as important ant a valuing and loving ourselves. If we can do this it takes the pressure of the people we love to do what is best for them and eliminates resentments. It has taking me a long time to grow up and see that I can only know what is best for myself and everyone else is entitled to do the same.

It is possible to live and let live. It is possible to finally see that I am not the center of anyone elses universe but my own.

Resentments - Who is gonna take out the trash?

Work is busy and we are closing jobs left and right. I have been talking to my partner about sharing more of the mundane responsibilities like cleaning the showroom, among other things. She always agrees to help but then it never happens. This is a familiar issue for me and I was hoping not to deal with again.

I struggle with wanting her to change. I want us to work as a team and not end up being the one who gets things accomplished. This is a relationship that I have repeated many times in my life and want to learn what I need to learn and not do it anymore.

Is that possible to co-exist and with someone else and not want things to be different. Some days it is easier than others. I do believe you have to address what is bothering you or the resentments will pile up pretty quick. After you address your issues, then what? What if they just say deal with it or worse say they will work with you and then don't.

When you are dealing with someone completely self-absorbed (takes one to know one) it isn't personal. They are just doing the stuff on their list and not even thinking about what is on your list or that you even have a list. Can you live with that?

In my most recent relationship we fought about cleaning too. Not fighting really, either I did it or it didn't get done. End of story. In the program they say if something bothers you more than it does someone else just do it yourself. The drain of resentment far out ways the energy it takes to take of the problem. But if you do it with resentment you just end up resentful with a really clean house.

In my first marriage before the program I learned a lot about resentments. I knew doing something while thinking it was someone elses responsibility can turn you into a crazy person. Worse it eats you alive and you don't even know it. One day you just snap. I have often thought this might be the reason nice people end up on the news shooting people from the top of a building. When they interview the neighbors they always say how the person seemed so nice. Resentments.

I solved the problem in the my last relationship by hiring someone to do the cleaning. A luxury yes but also a life saver. We won't say just whose life at this point.

So I am entering into another partnerships with someone that is just as self-absorbed as I am. Imagine that. Some part of me wants to believe that somehow I am better than she is more thoughtful just a wee bit less self-absorbed but the fact that I am writing about here makes me think otherwise.

Darn, why do we always have to see our reflection over and over. I am working on acceptance and remembering it isn't personal when I am not the star of someone elses show, just my own.

I will probably hire someone when we have the money or I will start paying myself. I really don't mind emptying the trash it is only the fact that she doesn't think is important that bothers me. That it really my problem and I will just have to get over myself.

Solutions - Step Four - Layers of resentment

This picture of steps makes me think of how when you are working the steps there is a little landing to rest on before you continue.

When I find myself in yet another place of letting go or in this case of jumping off I have to stop and reflect on how I got here.

When I started the program I believed that most things were concrete and had to be endured. Life dished out bad stuff and you suffered through the best you could. You were permanently scarred by your parents and a situation outside your control and you have to learn to live with the broken person you have become.

What the program and other spiritual adventures eventually brought me to was that wasn't really true. It was only true if I believed it to be true. That statement brought up a lot of resistance in my own mind. Things did happen to me so what do you mean it is my choice to continue to give those things power over me.

I didn't want it to be in my control I wanted someone to pay, someone to say they were sorry and then I wanted to find someone that I could trust that would never ever hurt me that way again. I was living in a fantasy.

Because of my confusion and pain I was no where ready to give up my cherished bag of righteous indignation. This is where the fourth step came in the first time. I think this is why we avoid it for as long as possible because after one, two, three we feel pretty good but we know within the fourth step lies secrets. Secrets that we have hidden about ourselves, terrible stuff.

Letting go of what we fear most frees us. My first fourth step was just the story of my life as I perceived it. At that time from a child's perspective. The neglect and isolation while my mother was sick. Then how my father chose my step mother over me and ending with my ex-husband choosing another woman over me. Can anyone see a pattern here? This was all I could handle acknowledging who wronged me. Resentments.

Then the next time around it got a little more serious, who did I wrong. In my mind nobody I was clearly the victim in my life and wallowing in self-pity and wanting comfort. I still do this but at least I can see it now. I had to own up to hurting other people. I really did the hurting in an unconscious way. I was hard as nails and ignored their opinions and pretended they didn't have feelings. I had gotten rid of my feelings, so I thought, after all those disappointments I wasn't about to feel bad for you.

This kind of thinking kept me stuck for a long time especially when it came to getting over my issues with my dad. I had to find a way to see him as human. One adult to another not from the child's view. From a child's perspective I wanted more but I didn't get it so how does hating him make me a happier person.

It wasn't that simple. First I had to make him human I did this by thinking about his life as a child. There was no love there and he was responsible for rounding up this siblings for regular beatings. As an adult he became a pacifist he wanted no conflict. I had to see this first.

Years later after I lost the most important person in my own life I had to see that my step mother ended his grief over my mother and he wasn't about to let anything change that. No, he wasn't acting in my best interest, he just wanted to be happy.

The next part of the healing of the fourth step is I had to ask myself, have I ever hurt someone else when I was just trying to feel better myself? Have I ever done anything without regard to another persons feelings. In grief did I do anything out or survival. Yes, but I expected more from him because he was my father. Did other people expect more from me? Yes. Am I capable of doing to others what has been done to me. Yes, I didn't believe that until I starting listing my grievances and turning them around.

Can I really expect people to treat me better than I treat them? This is a daily thing for me to look at (step 10). You spot it you got it they say. An on going issue. I ask myself, have I ever done that? It is humbling. So I have to let go and see it is not personal. I don't get up each day and plan to treat people bad. If I do hurt someone it is because I am not fully aware. The steps keep me awake. They help me see my own limitations and accept that we all have them.

This is just a little piece of my experience with the fourth step and the way I finally let go of my biggest resentment over my dad. But this happened in layers. Each time I was in pain it gave me an opportunity let more of it go.

I discovered that my thoughts were hurting me not something that happened when I was a helpless child. I see that no matter what I can't change that time in my life but I can keep the thought of it from hurting me now.

Givers Takers and Lessons to Learn

I worked today. I met my partner at one of my old jobs with her customers. They wanted to see a completed project. It was good to see my customer she is always up beat and happy to see me. It is good to feel appreciated in these times.

In my business people pay me for my opinion and expertise as well as the product. In this business you come across the takers especially in this market. I can spot them more easily now than at first. The people that really want something for nothing, usually in the form of free design advice.

This happened to me on Friday. I knew it immediately when she wanted my opinion on each room. It is hard to manage this sort of situation. You don't know the motive and for some, as we all know, it is like breathing. Subtle manipulation a little bait here and there ever so slight push to get you to move in their direction. It is the way they have survived.

The question for me is am I willing to work for nothing in the hopes that in the future it will turn into more. In this case I am selling counter-tops and there isn't much of a mark up so a gave them a few ideas but not enough to raise my resentment thermometer. I have already spent too much time on this client and when she called and ask me to fax her plan to another counter-top company I called her out on it. I said to her that I had already invested time and energy with her and she was now going somewhere else. She still said please fax it and I did.

At this point I decided God was handing me a gift by letting this go. So I let it go. She called back and said she was sorry that she did want to use me and now we are moving forward. The lesson is I have to value myself before others value me. I have to be willing to accept the outcome which in this case the possibility of losing the job. I was willing.

While I was visiting with my old customer she mentioned doing her two upstairs bathrooms and bedrooms. I measured and I am putting together a design for her. It is nice to be appreciated and a bonus to get more work. Every one has something to teach me if I am paying attention.

Control - I am always right

I was watching Parenthood last night and there was a scene where a couple was loading the dishwasher and he suggested putting the bowls on the top shelf instead of the bottom. She quickly dismissed his suggestion and moved the bowls back to the bottom. I felt a twinge in my gut and thought about how many times I have done this to people I loved in the past.

I couldn't see it. I totally couldn't see what I was doing. Just like the actor last night it was like breathing. It is not personal but for me it came after years of taking care of everything and everybody. With all those responsibilities I had to become super efficient to make it all work. I learned early you can't count on anyone doing what they are suppose to do and if you want it done right you do it yourself.

When I married a man that never finished anything I honed those skills to perfection. It was my way or the highway. He was passive agressive and eventually resisted my controlling his every move. Once the drinking escalated he just ignored me and stayed away from home as much as possible. This reinforced that I was on my own and I became resentful and depressed.

Al-Anon ended my reign of terror along with the departure of my husband. When I started waking up little by little, all was revealed. I was shocked to find out that I was capable of being so controlling and mean. I couldn't believe I that I had done anything wrong. I have thought if I had had a program that maybe things would have been different at least I would have understood what was happening.

My partner at work reminds of myself all those years ago. The pressure to do everything and to take care of things that are the responsibilities of others. She thinks I am slow to act but that is because I have learned to think something through before volunteering. I have found that when people know your like that they tend to gravitate in your direction if they need help.

It is hard to watch others struggle without jumping in and helping. But how can I deny someone the benefit of learning and achieving something themselves. It is really not my business unless asked and even then I don't help unless I can do it without resentment.

Feeling grateful tonight for the ability to change and grow. Seeing that I am not the person portrayed in the show last night. Everyone has the same rights as I do and their opinion has the same weight. Even if I can something better. Who cares if no one ask then I can mind my own business. I no longer do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves.

I have forgiven myself for being so controlling. I was in a relationship affected by alcoholism and it was out of control most of the time. I was just trying to survive with the tools I had and I didn't know any better. I was trying the control the uncontrollable. Cunning baffling and powerful.

Dream Dream Dream

The song goes whenever I want you all I have to do is dream, dream, dream dream. Today would have been my 27th anniversary if my husband and we had stayed married. We made it 9 years but the effects of alcoholism in his childhood an ultimately in our marriage could not be overcome.

We didn't have any tools to work with back then. He is married and has a couple of kids now. I don't know if he is happy in his marriage but I do know he is happy being a father. We didn't have children because his childhood was volatile and he thought that bringing children into this world would be a mistake. By the time he changed his mind the drinking had escalated and I knew I would be on my own with taking care of kids. I wasn't willing to take on that responsibility.

I loved him in a way that doesn't come often. Our childhood was similar in that we both lost our mothers at the same age. The difference was that his father went on a three year drinking binge and four out of six kids were farmed out to relatives. He and his younger brother, the middle kids, were left with dad. It wasn't pretty and a lot of things happened that made them adults too quickly.

Our bond wasn't healthy basically two halves don't make a whole. We were inseparable and never spent a night apart until the last year of our marriage. He was my best friend and I thought it was going to kill me when he left. The drinking took him from me little by little and ultimately he was a stranger to me in the end. When we met at the courthouse he was at a drinking peak, a case a day was the information he offered. He had grown a beard and was wearing sunglasses indoors. He put the wrong wedding date on the papers he prepared, another blow to me.

I am sure he isn't thinking of me today and that is ok. I believe dates come up subconsciously so you are better off to acknowledge them for what they are. They are a part of your history and for me I have made peace with this relationship. I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I know now about the effects of alcoholism on relationships. He did write me a letter of amends that went along way towards me forgiving him for finding someone else during our marriage.

It is hard to get over those extreme co-dependant relationships where one breaths out and the other breaths in and I think that is why I still miss him. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and the reality of the situation fades in your mind.

I can wish him well today and I think that he has worked through his issues with his dad. We emailed a few years ago and he seems pretty happy being a father and he said that he hoped I had found the happiness I deserved.

I do deserve happiness and I am starting to find it on my own now without someone to share my life with. I still want a relationship and I intend on finding one but for today I feel good just where I am, but I do still dream.

footnote: My husbands father did get sober right after the three years. He met someone and did it without a program and without amends. My husband was angry at a man that everyone thought was terrific. He felt guilty for the way he felt. The program works and helps families deal with the resentment even after sobriety.

I Can Run

Just getting off the treadmill my friend gave me a couple of weeks ago. She is very generous to give it to me. I have a gym membership until the end of the year but I really only like to run. It will be great to be able to run at home.

I think it is funny that I have started running the past couple of years because I always claimed that I hated running. I have always fallen for runners, literally an figuratively and would never join them willingly when they ran.

When I first met my husband he was 22 and 6'4" and weighed 165 lbs. He always said he was built for speed and he could run like the wind. I of course at 5'2" was not built for speed and always felt inferior in many ways to him. He always wanted me to run with him and I couldn't keep up, I finally started riding my bike while he ran. This was early in our relationship when we still thought we should spend every minute together.

I think the reason I claimed to hate running was it seemed more important than me. It was immature of me, but my feelings were just a symptom of what was really going on. I felt left out and was trying to manipulate the situation which ended up putting more distance between us. In the end I was right they were running away.

It has taken me time and distance to accept that communication is hard even with someone you love. How is it that you start out in love and it feels like nothing can ever come between you and then one day you wake up with a stranger? How do you keep that from happening?

I had resentments about running and rebelled by not running. So I have to admit now that I do like to run. I will never run like the wind but I can crank up the music and get those endorfins flowing.

I feel strong tonignt physically and emotionally. I can let go of those resentments and the runners that go with them. They can just keep running.

Steps of Love

When I was four we lived in small house in downtown Atlanta. The house sat on top of a hill and my parents parked their cars at the bottom of the hill on the street. There were 22 steps from the bottom of the hill to the house I know this because I loved to count them. When I would fall asleep on the drive home my dad would carry me up all those stairs and I have to admit that sometimes I would just pretend to be asleep when I wanted to be carried. Looking back I realize that he did this out of love especially when he knew I was playing possum. (this is what he would say)

He is gone now and our relationship changed after my mother died. I would describe him as a kind patient man and a loyal partner. He loved to share the message of god's love to anyone willing to listen and sometimes even when they were not. He had the mind of an engineer and loved to talk. He never met a stranger and was there for anyone that asked.

All that being said he wasn’t able to connect emotionally with me and I interpreted that as something wrong with me. I have repeated my relationship with my dad in my personal life more than once seeking out people that were unable to connect emotionally. I can see now is that those relationships felt like home to me.

With time I have also realized that the same man that was willing to carry me up 22 steps when I was four was there all along. He didn’t know how to show his emotions and I needed that after my mother died. Now I feel I can let that go and be in a place of acceptance. He loved me and I loved him and remembering this has helped to heal the final traces of resentment I have had.