Living in our own bubble - Compassion - Understanding

This last week has been difficult for me as I am sure it has been for everyone. We can't understand why the other side can't see just how wrong they are with the facts right in front of them. I have come to the conclusion that we spend most of our time in our on bubble. 

I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal denomination where if you didn't belong to our denomination then you really weren't going to heaven. We didn't associate with people outside the church. As kids  we could play with the kids in our neighborhood but mostly not allowed to go into their houses. The street we lived on was built by our pastor so some of the people living there went to our church. 

My sister would baby sit sometimes for the people across the street and I remember one time watching out the window and seeing the husband passed out behind the wheel with the car door open.  I imagine this is what we were being protected from. 

It always bothered me that everyone else was going to hell that really didn't make total since to me. A lot of them seemed like perfectly nice people. My mother was strong and independent person and you didn't question what she told you. When we moved to the suburbs in 1966 she couldn't believe the women at our church didn't vote. She immediately started a women's political group at the church.

She was my Sunday school teacher and I remember her preparing for hours on Saturday before she taught her lesson. We read the Bible together at night together.  She was passionate about her beliefs and taught me and my sister to be independent thinkers. This worked and we clashed constantly. 

I am a detail person and very analytical and I needed things to make since to me. Some of the stories of the Bible didn't make since. I asked constant questions which really got on my parents nerves. I have never been a good sheep just going along with anyone selling anything. When l left home at 16 my daddy said " you will never make it because you don't respect authority." I knew he had no idea what I was capable of and I never looked back.

Just like my childhood today we all live in a bubble of our own making. We don't let any information that doesn't fit into our self created bubble because we want the lines to be clear and to think we are always right. It is easier and our brains are made to work this way. We live day to day without looking at what others are going through especially when it doesn't touch our lives.

We all do that or we couldn't survive the devastation we see on our screens. I remember as a child they showed the caskets of soldiers being unloaded every day on the news. This was so terrible to me it made me so sad. I couldn't understand why this was happening. The men had families just like mine what could be worth them dying for?

I was raised Republican and Reagan was the last republican I voted for. I was devastated by the way he ignored the AIDS epidemic and let so many die without so much as a word about it. This seems familiar to me now people thinking "it's not a part of my world so it doesn't matter to me." 

We all become isolated when we only live in our own bubble with people like ourselves. I work with people everyday that are genuinely nice intelligent people.  They are are happy and there bubble is pretty secure so they want to keep it that way. I get this and don't fault them for it because it is not my place to wake people up. 

I also know that people are mostly dug in and it is hard for them to go against their peers. It is easy not to questions what we think especially when we surround ourselves by people just like us. It isn't that easy to step away from the crowd. What if they reject me?  I will be alone and unloved.

It is true this can happen and it happened to me.  I wasn't willing to just believe those who were in authority. I had to do my own research and find my belief and God for myself. I don't regret leaving the flock but it has been lonely on my own.  I never quite fit in with believers or non-believers. 

It is good to feel certain you are right and you surely don't want anybody punching through your bubble. No one is right all the time and that it the way it is. I don't regret my upbringing because it made me strong and able to be an outsider. We were passionate in our beliefs which is important. 

Today I know I can find peace within whenever I want. I can trust that we can work this out eventually. Life goes on and we will turn this over to future generations and hope they will do better. I use my words when I can to make people think and have compassion for others and I have to exercise my own compassion for them. 

 

Happy on the outside - Miss Wild and Dancing

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in I could see early on that I was different my family was different.

We were Pentecostal this never was a problem for me until my teacher Miss Wild in the 4th grade started an half hour of dancing ever Friday afternoon. I loved her she looked like Cher and was the coolest person I had ever met. When I went home to tell my mother about the dancing she was appalled and made me take a note to Miss Wild saying that I wasn't allowed to participate in the dancing.  Every week while the other kids danced I had to sit and watch.

It was the burden I had to bare for my families beliefs. I felt lucky, unlike some of the other kids from our church,  I was able to wear pants. I think this came about because I was a tom boy and it was more important for me to be covered then the rules of dress.

I was odd from the beginning even in my own family I didn't really fit in too well. I looked at people and what they were doing and saying and I just didn't get it. The girls in my neighborhood were all very tight DeDe and Beverly were best friends and when they had a big fight one of them would befriend me until they made up and then they both would reject me.

My mother suffered over my social problems more than I did and she was always looking for a solution.  No one was sure what was wrong with me and at one point I was put into special ed with Bobby who lived on my street who what definitely a little slow.

I went along with this because this is what my mother wanted.  It was a few hours of free time each week a break from the seriously boring school day. I felt sorry for Bobby not understanding that people were thinking the same thing about me. Today I would be diagnosed with ADD and put on drugs even then they did offer drugs but we were health nuts and my mother refused.

This period with Bobby didn't last long but it didn't help me to fit with my schoolmates either. When my mother died in the 5th grade it sealed my fate for ever being normal in the real world. Headlines "Pentecostal girl loses mother and any hope of being accepted by the outside world".  My skin was pretty thick by then and I had created my own world a place where I controlled all emotion.  I accepted that I was alone and would have to figure things out for myself.

I remember once telling my mother not to worry about me that I was fine and I would find my own way. This was when she was first sick.  I meant it and by that time I was pretty autonomous and felt and had found my place alone in the world.  I had know idea what was coming but I was strong and my will kept me going.

This is my story of life from the outside. I never felt a part of any group until I went to Al-Anon.  The brokenness and strength I found there seemed so familiar to me.  People strong on the outside but with so many sad parts on the inside.  Everyone had been through something and wanted to get better.

The acceptance I found there was incredible.  I became a part of a clique which became the closest thing to a family that I have had.  Some of us are still together but some are not as comfortable letting the past go and being happy and healthy.  It does feel really awkward to not being broken and trying to fix myself.  I have done my best and it is time to rest and enjoy what the day has to offer instead of looking for the next problem to solve. Filling my days trying to solve an outside problem and when there isn't one looking for one on the inside. 

I feel whole for the first time in my life. I have always believed that because I didn't fit in that there was something wrong with me.  The search for the cure consumed my life. I tried so hard to find a place where I did fit in that I gave up parts of myself to appear normal.  Today I know that I am perfect just the way I am and that girl in me that tried to sooth her mother's worries is still here today finding my own way.