Politics - Mourning - Scars - my tribe - loss - rebuilding

There is a lot to be said about this year but I don't think I need to be the one to say it.  For some reason yesterday I was weeping on and off first watching a segment of news that showed the famous people that died this year. They were mostly actors and in some cases really old their 90's and some over 100. I thought about how lucky they were to do what they loved until the very end of their lives. 

I then went on to watch a special called The Way I See It by Obama's personal photographer. It was an incredible chronological depiction of the the eight years in office. Not staged just him with full access good and bad of the presidents every day actions and emotions. From Sandy Hook to meeting children that had written him letters. The compassion and dignity he gave to the office of the president made me overwhelmingly sad for what we are going through now.

The fact he was willing to be so open and inviting to have this judged. He was an incredible man who was both intelligent and showed his human side. He didn't pretend to know everything and brought experts together to weigh all sides before making hard decisions. This is a true leader who respects what other people bring to the table but ultimately takes responsibility for the final decision that has to be made. 

He had road blocks from the beginning and you have to wonder who wouldn't want someone like this running the country. Who would be against someone that intelligent, and treated people equally and with compassion?  

I think that people are generally good but we are all susceptible to the influences of our own tribe. It is easier for the mind to go along and fit in than to question the status quo.  To be an outsider in your own tribe leaves you vulnerable to the unknown wild elements. Safety in numbers if you get hurt you will have someone to take care of you. It is better to follow the crowd than to have your own beliefs.

I have been opposite of my own tribe since I could talk not really agreeing with anyone unless they could explain why.  I have spent a lot of time in the wilderness alone but it has also given me time to know what I believe for myself. I can accept the beliefs of my family and don't challenge them unless they challenge me..  At this point I am more than willing share why I think it is better to have a leader that is intelligent and compassionate that will give people hope and respect. One that listens to the experts and knows that they represent all the people.  Someone that is not flashy and willing to do the work.

This wasn't intended to be political in any way but I needed to understand my own sadness at this time. I am a strong person emotionally and have weathered this storm pretty well and for that I am grateful. I am an optimist and with my own experience know that in the end good will ultimately prevail. This will happen after the scars have healed and we find the courage to return to the fight. Every set back forces us to dig deep and see what we have learned and find our inner strength to move on.  

2021 will be a year of clean up, re-grouping and mourning for the loss we have suffered. It is like after a storm when everyone emerges from their homes to assess the damage and do the job of cleaning up. We can help comfort those that have suffered more than we have and begin to rebuild. Yes we can.

 

Living in our own bubble - Compassion - Understanding

This last week has been difficult for me as I am sure it has been for everyone. We can't understand why the other side can't see just how wrong they are with the facts right in front of them. I have come to the conclusion that we spend most of our time in our on bubble. 

I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal denomination where if you didn't belong to our denomination then you really weren't going to heaven. We didn't associate with people outside the church. As kids  we could play with the kids in our neighborhood but mostly not allowed to go into their houses. The street we lived on was built by our pastor so some of the people living there went to our church. 

My sister would baby sit sometimes for the people across the street and I remember one time watching out the window and seeing the husband passed out behind the wheel with the car door open.  I imagine this is what we were being protected from. 

It always bothered me that everyone else was going to hell that really didn't make total since to me. A lot of them seemed like perfectly nice people. My mother was strong and independent person and you didn't question what she told you. When we moved to the suburbs in 1966 she couldn't believe the women at our church didn't vote. She immediately started a women's political group at the church.

She was my Sunday school teacher and I remember her preparing for hours on Saturday before she taught her lesson. We read the Bible together at night together.  She was passionate about her beliefs and taught me and my sister to be independent thinkers. This worked and we clashed constantly. 

I am a detail person and very analytical and I needed things to make since to me. Some of the stories of the Bible didn't make since. I asked constant questions which really got on my parents nerves. I have never been a good sheep just going along with anyone selling anything. When l left home at 16 my daddy said " you will never make it because you don't respect authority." I knew he had no idea what I was capable of and I never looked back.

Just like my childhood today we all live in a bubble of our own making. We don't let any information that doesn't fit into our self created bubble because we want the lines to be clear and to think we are always right. It is easier and our brains are made to work this way. We live day to day without looking at what others are going through especially when it doesn't touch our lives.

We all do that or we couldn't survive the devastation we see on our screens. I remember as a child they showed the caskets of soldiers being unloaded every day on the news. This was so terrible to me it made me so sad. I couldn't understand why this was happening. The men had families just like mine what could be worth them dying for?

I was raised Republican and Reagan was the last republican I voted for. I was devastated by the way he ignored the AIDS epidemic and let so many die without so much as a word about it. This seems familiar to me now people thinking "it's not a part of my world so it doesn't matter to me." 

We all become isolated when we only live in our own bubble with people like ourselves. I work with people everyday that are genuinely nice intelligent people.  They are are happy and there bubble is pretty secure so they want to keep it that way. I get this and don't fault them for it because it is not my place to wake people up. 

I also know that people are mostly dug in and it is hard for them to go against their peers. It is easy not to questions what we think especially when we surround ourselves by people just like us. It isn't that easy to step away from the crowd. What if they reject me?  I will be alone and unloved.

It is true this can happen and it happened to me.  I wasn't willing to just believe those who were in authority. I had to do my own research and find my belief and God for myself. I don't regret leaving the flock but it has been lonely on my own.  I never quite fit in with believers or non-believers. 

It is good to feel certain you are right and you surely don't want anybody punching through your bubble. No one is right all the time and that it the way it is. I don't regret my upbringing because it made me strong and able to be an outsider. We were passionate in our beliefs which is important. 

Today I know I can find peace within whenever I want. I can trust that we can work this out eventually. Life goes on and we will turn this over to future generations and hope they will do better. I use my words when I can to make people think and have compassion for others and I have to exercise my own compassion for them. 

 

Uncertainty - The small things - Courage

My mind has been all over the place since the storm.  It feels like with the recent tragedies one after another that the world is uncertain place.  Life has always been uncertain we just to choose to live in denial so we can get up every morning and pretend nothing bad will happen to us.

We do everything to give ourselves what we hope is an edge over the next guy. We take care of ourselves, eat right prescribe to a vast array of spiritual paths in hopes that this will keep us from suffering like the people we hear about on the news. Maybe our plans or spiritual faith gives us an edge but in my experience few of us get through life without be touched by tragedy.

I am not all doom and gloom because I think the worst part of the scenario is the worrying we do in advance.  The stress of thinking about how to protect ourselves from basically the unknown.  I did that for many years and the things I worried about most didn't happen but sometimes worse things happened stuff our never imagined did.

Can we prevent tragedy?  We can stop living and lock ourselves inside our homes, as long as it isn't a house in a flood zone and watch our lives go by. We can live in constant fear and ruin every minute of every day just waiting for the end of our happiness.  Oh wait it already ended when the worry began.

Nothing stays the same forever. The things we love and the things we hate will pass at some point.  The things we take for granted today may disappear tomorrow.  The only thing we can do is try to notice today the moments we have now.  Soak it all in and not get lost preparing for tomorrow.

We never know what small joys we may never experience again. Recently the Sonic up the street closed suddenly.  They boarded every window and put a big for sale sign in the yard. It made me think of all the times we took my friend with Parkinsons there after dinner to have a hot fudge sundae.  We are always trying to fatten her up at 90 lbs it isn't easily.  She loved it.  I was thinking how that will never happen again.  Oh we will go somewhere else but it still feels like a small loss.

Sure we will adapt but those moments are gone and will not be repeated. We take it all for granted because we have to or the uncertainty would make us nuts. I think we can be at peace regardless of the uncertainty. We can not get too attached to the way we think things will be or should be.

We we can use whatever spiritual path we have chosen to gather ourselves every day to face the day whatever it brings.  We can see the small gifts we are given.  We can accept that we don't know what is in the minds of others and how they might be suffering.  We can extend compassion to the people we meet everyday instead of getting lost in our own mind and we can extend compassion to ourselves when we don't think we measure up.

I have been sentimental and weary this past month but it has made me appreciate what have learned on my own spiritual path.  I do understand loss and hope that everyone affected by these events will find the courage to get up every day and go on. 

Signs - Covering all the bases

I spent the day alone yesterday after a full work week and then a preparing a dinner on Friday night for my best friends birthday I was exhausted.  I am glad thatI am busy at work and it hasn't given me too much time to think about the election but last night YouTube queued up a video of a preacher talking about the moon event tomorrow night.

The moon will be the closest it has been to the earth in seventy years.  About the predictions in the Bible and I have to admit this really took me back to my childhood and my grandmothers stories about the end of times. I turned it off as soon as I heard where he was going.  I woke up fearful this morning and haven't really been able to shake it.

When I was about five I would regularly go outside and look for the coming of Jesus.  We talked about it all the time and to a five year old it was a pretty big deal.  One night I went out and there was a bright light in the sky bigger than I had ever seen. I ran back in the house told my dad that I thought Jesus was coming that night.  He followed me out and we looked at the light together and he explained to me that it was just a spot light from a local grand opening.

I was disappointed but still kept up my nightly vigil wanting to be first to see him coming. We moved shortly after that to the suburbs where there was a lot of other things to distract me. As I grew older I realized that people have been waiting a long time for him to come again and it was doubtful he would show up just for me.

Over the years I have merged my fundamentalist beliefs with what I have learned through my own spiritual quest.  I discarded God all together in my twenties figuring I couldn't every live up to the perfection that was required to make it to heaven. We don't believe once saved always saved.  We believe if you sin and your life ends then you are headed to the lake of fire.

This is a lot of pressure and after seeing my family for the wedding I realized that no one today seems worried about that anymore.  It is all too much really to live in that state. I remember as a child praying "God forgive me of any sin that I might have committed even if I didn't know it was a sin"  I thought that this covered all the bases.  This was probably around the same time I was looking for Jesus every night.

Today I am forgiven by a loving  God that is there to guide me.  I have done my best and I am not worried about the things that might be sins that I don't know about.  I try to be loving and compassionate and know everyone is doing there best even if it isn't good enough for me. It is all they have at that moment.

When the big moon comes and goes I will have to trust that life will go on and we will have to make our way through this time of division in our country.

Serenaded by the Delivery Man

It is cold and rainy here but still a balmy 49 degrees compared to those up north. I had a good day even though nothing has changed except my perspective. Last night I felt overwhelmed by the task at hand and was thinking that maybe it would be easier just to look for a corporate job.

This morning I got up and had little conversation with God. I said I know this is part of some grand plan so I guess, just for today, I will trust you. Step Three: Made a decision to turn my will and my life of the care of God as I understand him. So that was a good start.

I read today's page in Courage to Change about compassion, consequences and enabling. I thought about the owner and the denial he had been living in for awhile now. His pride has kept him from letting us make the changes that needed to made. I realized that I can just be kind and take care of myself and let God take care of the rest.

I also have thought about partnering with the other designer and some issues we might have as partners. This is a long term commitment and we are both very strong. Today we had lunch and talked things out and I mentioned my concerns. I feel we understand each other better and the important thing is we have the same vision for the future.

My water bed was delivered tonight around 7:30 by the owner. He is such a character and his enthusiasm for selling beds and futons is unmatched. He came in and complimented me on my decor and then he saw some of my paintings and told me he write songs and poems. He then recited a poem he wrote for his step father and went on to sing a song for me. I thought life is amazing and people are amazing.

After he left. I made a bowl of oatmeal for dinner put on my pj's and now I sharing the gift of this day with you. By living in the moment I can enjoy the gifts right in front of me. In the past I might have been lost in my head and missed the pleasure of being serenaded by the delivery man.

Gratitude and Cabin Fever

I have cabin fever. I didn't make it out of the house today like I planned. I got up and got dressed and my customer called and said she had the flu. She didn't want to see me or expose me to something lethal. I appreciate that.

I have been in the house three days and I am a little loony. One of my friends called and we decided to do something tomorrow. We are going to just get in the car and drive south for the day. It sounds good in theory and I can't wait.

I could have gone out today but I decided that I should tackle some final issues with the IRS, the thought of it is wearing on me. I promised the agent on the phone that I would complete everything within 30 days. This should be it and I am trusting that it is. Now that I am out of depression it doesn't really seem that complicated and I could really beat myself up over the time and cost of waiting this long. But I am past that.

I am glad I got it finished today. Even if it meant not leaving the house. I will be happy when I don't dread going to mailbox. Really at this point another letter from the IRS doesn't even hardly raise my blood pressure.

This whole situation makes me realize just how far I have come in life. If this had happen before the program I would have spent so much time beating myself up about it and I certainly wouldn't tell anyone about it. But you know I am a kinder person than I was back then I can have compassion for what others are going through and I can have compassion for what I have gone through. Just because I didn't admit my mistakes before didn't mean they didn't exist.

Back then I judged people harshly because I felt I was judged harshly and I was, by me. I never measured up to my own standards. I still don't but now I can say it's OK to be exactly where I am today. I can accept my limitations and yours too, assuming you have any.

I am a survivor and the past three years have been the worst in my life. At times I didn't think I was going to make it. I spent so much time in the hall waiting for the door to open that I thought I would go insane.

I use to be so superior saying I would never do this or never do that and I have had to eat those words many times. This is part of my own spiritual awakening and has revealed my own shortcomings. My own failures have made me a stronger and better person. I am eventually grateful for the lessons when some time has passed and the pain is just a distant memory. I am not there yet.

Having the IRS chase me and paying some penalties isn't such a big deal after all that I have been through. I made it, I am healthy and happy and out of the hall. I can work a little harder and if business is good, I can pay even more taxes next year.

Getting Fired - Sponsorship

I received a note in the mail this week from my sponsee letting me know that she has found someone else to do the steps with. It did not come as a surprise because for one I have been out of pocket and she has reached the 4th step and wants to find a quick and easy way to get through it. I say, good luck with that, I am still working on mine.

I think of the steps as more fluid and on any given day you can touch on some or maybe even all of the steps. I can understand the need to just do something I excel at doing something it is the waiting on my higher power to work in my life that I have trouble with.

She didn't like the Blue Print for Progress because it was to detailed. She wanted something to the point. I suggested the Big Book no one gets to the point quicker than AA since time is of the essence for the addicted. She said she looked at that but she didn't see what resentments had to do with the 4th step.

Resentments for me are where you identify the people that hurt you, first as a child and then as an adult. It takes maturity to face those resentments and see how they are holding you back. I was hurt as a child and my resentment is from a child's point of view and seeing that always helps the healing process for me.

Accepting that most of the things that have hurt me in my life were not about me but about the other person. I was just part of the fall out it wasn't because I wasn't lovable or good enough, I was just in the line of fire.

The flip side of the 4th step is even harder, who have I hurt? Because of my own stunted growth and immaturity I did things that I am not proud of to people that were in my line of fire. This was hard and ultimately making amends was a humbling experience and still is. I couldn't do this until I found compassion for myself and then I could relate. Before my walls were thick and my emotions were shut down.

So I have been fired, it is not personal and I feel that I have done my best. I am not perfect and don't have the answers for anyone. We each have our own journey and everything is in perfect order. I hate that phrase and only once in a while in the best possible moments of my spiritual life can I really see it and believe it.

Plastic Fast Food

I went to house this morning to bid on a job and when I got to the neighborhood every house on the block was in perfect condition except the one I was going to. First there was no house number the yard was full of weeds and there was a broken down motorcycle with a tarp over it and rusty cans of paint holding down the tarp.

The first thought I had was alcoholism or addiction. Of course that is a judgement on my part but experience tells me that it only gets worse on the inside. This does happen quite often in my line of work. You never know what you are walking into and I try to keep an open mind and just know I am exactly where I am suppose to be because that is where I am.

I turns out that they she lost her job then they had to sell their bigger house and then her daughters husband lost his job and they move in with their two children. The house is small and now has seven people living there. Her grown son started a kitchen fire an nearly burn down the house. The husband parents got sick and she moved them from Texas and then the father died and the mother has Alzheimer's and is now living in facility.

While she was telling this story the granddaughter was continually bringing me plastic food first a wiener with a bun then one without a bun and then a burger which I thought was a cookie and finally a piece of fried chicken and did I mention I was being sniffed by two big dogs.

The mom told me she had given up and said she used to be a neat freak with everything in perfect order but with all the changes she just tried to make it through the day. I get that, I have been there and I think sometimes a crisis can bring you back to ground zero, whats really important. You can live with much less and tolerate much more, no energy to focus on non-essentials.

I will probably get the job and help them to get the house back in order and spread some experience strength and hope. Today I am grateful to have my own journey.

What would Mom do with me now

I am trying something different in hopes that I will reach a turning point of some kind that will bring my drowning spirit to the surface. I am checking out of my personal commitments to see if I can shake off the last of what really is causing me pain. I think if I sit with myself long enough something will happen.

So I spent the day with my miserable self and I made it through. I watched an episode of Oprah about overeating and the question brought up was "what is really the problem?" It isn't about the food or whatever. The real problem is never that obvious. It is never what you think it is so I am looking for the real problem.

They went on to talk about having compassion for yourself when you are emotionally raw and treat yourself kindly. If you thought of yourself as your own child in pain what would you do to help.

So I am trying to think if my mom was here now what would say to me or do for me to ease my pain. Truthfully she would probably try to solve my problem. We do that in our family we think any problem can be solved. I would want her to make me my favorite food. She would eventually get to the scriptures and read a favorite passage about faith and troubled times.

I don't know for sure what she would do all I know is that I will get through this and be better off somewhere down the road. Finding a way to be my own mom and to have compassion and patience with myself is really the answer I am looking for.

Crossroads-fear or faith

I am moving down a path in my life that is not clearly marked and I have be trying to sort things out. I am trying to decide if I am moving in the right direction by staying in my current profession. So I looked at jobs on-line this morning.

It just so happened that I also went to the dentist today over by my old job. I was a dedicated corporate manager for many years at a job that drained the life out of me and ultimate made me physically sick. I stayed way too long a pattern for most of my relationships and ultimately they forced me to leave.

I stayed for the wrong reason (also a pattern) to protect the people in my department from being treated like numbers or line items on a budget. This is the way things are in corporate America efficency has made America great. The job was a great fit for me your typical control freak. I was efficient and willing to make things run smoothly and nothing got in my way. I excelled quickly and was all business.

Then I got in the program and all that changed. My take no prisoners attitude started to change. The icy efficient exterior formed in childhood began to melt and I actually realized others were hurting and the choices they made kept them stuck. I became the kinder gentler manager (my version of course). So after a few years of the new me everybody was happier but I had lost my edge or really lost my taste for pleasing everyone except myself. So I was out and chose a new career I have never looked back until now. Times are tough and without a steady income I thought about my old life. Could I go back?

The spiritual path is about faith in a power greater than ourselves. I am no longer that person created by my childhood I am more the person I was before the scars. So for today I am staying put and having faith that my higher power will show me the way.

I was right to worry about my department it was split up and eventually the whole division sold off. Maybe it was HP's plan for everyone to move on.

Dumpster Diving

I seems no matter how much time has passed that the mind can always bring up old feelings of loss. After yesterdays posting I was feeling down and couldn’t really figure out why. After talking it over with a friend and telling him about my blog entry I started to get a little overwhelmed. It was a painful time in my life giving up that marriage and the dream of happily ever after. I have moved on in many ways since that time but I can look back and have compassion for the person I was then. I can look at how far I have come and accept that I did the best I could. Just like today I am doing the best that I can. I have to admit even now sometimes I think that it would easier to be emotionally shut down. But today I have support of my friends in the program and deal with my emotions as they surface. I know shutting down isn't option for me anymore. Back then it helped me cope with the pain of my life. Now I can put up with an occasional dumpster dive it is better than living in one.