ADD - Mother - Blood in the water

Because  I have been ADD all my life I forever had an endless list in my head of things I wanted to do. I hardly ever get tired and don't spend much time basking in my successes.  I move on to the next thing pretty quickly.

When I was a manager my team had serious deadlines to meet at the end of each month it was stressful but invigorating and when we met the goal we all clapped and danced around for about two seconds.  I would then start thinking about next month or the next minute.

I didn't get it that everyone wanted to take a moment a celebrate and they felt I did not appreciate their efforts but I did.  It just isn't in me to linger very long doing anything.  This has made me a success professionally but personally the only people I attract is the ones that are happy to just sit back and let me take care of everything physically and emotionally.  I  was mostly too busy to notice but when I started feel used or invisible I withdrew.

Every relationship felt one sided I ask you how you are doing and what is going on in your life and you ask me nothing. This has taught me to be self sufficent emotionally.  Instead of giving into the kid inside of me that drug my mother to my room to show her how clean it looked hoping to get some positive response.  She did make nice remarks but there was always one thing not quite right. I got the idea that I was not enough.  I would need to focus harder next time to please her.

I do that now I focus on what I didn't do right instead of all the good things I have done.  This made  me a perfect match for my addicted partners.  In my experience it was this doubt I had about myself that let them control me.  I say they can smell blood in the water and because my relationships were so intimate and isolated they had the upper hand. It was my own insecurities that made me give away my power.

I don't pick supportive people maybe because it feels so foreign to me. I am use to feeling on my own but it isn't healthy.  When I went to see my childhood friend and she was so kind and generous with me it really felt wonderful.  When I got back it was my birthday and my friends here didn't even mention it.  Is this the kind of friends I want?

It really hurt. I am withdrawing and preparing for something new. Mentally I feel good I have given up carbs and my mind is very clear.  As far as the mother story I am sure she was trying to help me strive for excellence.  Ironically my step mother was 10 times the cleaning perfectionist when someone else was doing it.  re-enforcing the idea that I am not good enough.

I have spent the last 20 years figuring out how I got here emotionally.  I now want to spend the next twenty enjoying being here and appreciating my contributions to this world.  I have done my best and it has to be good enough for me and that is all.

It is the small stuff - Thinking bigger

Sometimes in life some small thing happens and it triggers a wave of emotions and thought that sends your life in different direction. This happened this week. It seems on the surface something silly but in truth is represents exactly where I am in my life right now.

Naturally it has to do with design.  I found some unusual chairs that I thought would be great for my dining table.  I don't really need them but they were a deal.  The store allowed me to take them overnight to see if they would work. 

When I got home from work I was so exited I called my friend who lives on my street and said hey I really want you to come and look at these chairs and tell me what you think. I have to return them in the morning. 

The answer I got was "I am reading can you send me a picture?"  This little moment made me realize just how limited my support system is and that something has to change. Of course my next thought is that I have caused this I have let a lot of people go in my life and that has left me a small group of people to fill what few needs I do have. 

I don't have big needs any more I am not looking for someone to fill a huge void in my life but someone that would be kind to me and give me a little support.  A relationship of give and take that celebrates the friendship.

I am the kind of friend that would do just about anything for anyone of my friends that ask. It would be nice if I thought that this could or would be reciprocated in some way if I needed it to be.  This kind of thinking has hurt me in the past and I thought I had rid myself of these kinds of expectations. 

I survived my life by being autonomous leaving me with the appearance from the outside of not needing anyone.  I have surrounded myself with autonomous people but I am willing to admit that I do have needs and I do have feelings.

This all may sound like no big thing so what my friend wasn't interested in me or excited about something I am excited about.  It tells me I have to change my life and do more reaching out.

I haven't been able to support anyone these past few years.  I was all used up and needed to heal myself but I have done that and I am ready for something more.

I can't undo the past or retrieve those friends I lost along the way but I can make an effort to expand my world. It is too small now and I have to think bigger.