Because I have been ADD all my life I forever had an endless list in my head of things I wanted to do. I hardly ever get tired and don't spend much time basking in my successes. I move on to the next thing pretty quickly.
When I was a manager my team had serious deadlines to meet at the end of each month it was stressful but invigorating and when we met the goal we all clapped and danced around for about two seconds. I would then start thinking about next month or the next minute.
I didn't get it that everyone wanted to take a moment a celebrate and they felt I did not appreciate their efforts but I did. It just isn't in me to linger very long doing anything. This has made me a success professionally but personally the only people I attract is the ones that are happy to just sit back and let me take care of everything physically and emotionally. I was mostly too busy to notice but when I started feel used or invisible I withdrew.
Every relationship felt one sided I ask you how you are doing and what is going on in your life and you ask me nothing. This has taught me to be self sufficent emotionally. Instead of giving into the kid inside of me that drug my mother to my room to show her how clean it looked hoping to get some positive response. She did make nice remarks but there was always one thing not quite right. I got the idea that I was not enough. I would need to focus harder next time to please her.
I do that now I focus on what I didn't do right instead of all the good things I have done. This made me a perfect match for my addicted partners. In my experience it was this doubt I had about myself that let them control me. I say they can smell blood in the water and because my relationships were so intimate and isolated they had the upper hand. It was my own insecurities that made me give away my power.
I don't pick supportive people maybe because it feels so foreign to me. I am use to feeling on my own but it isn't healthy. When I went to see my childhood friend and she was so kind and generous with me it really felt wonderful. When I got back it was my birthday and my friends here didn't even mention it. Is this the kind of friends I want?
It really hurt. I am withdrawing and preparing for something new. Mentally I feel good I have given up carbs and my mind is very clear. As far as the mother story I am sure she was trying to help me strive for excellence. Ironically my step mother was 10 times the cleaning perfectionist when someone else was doing it. re-enforcing the idea that I am not good enough.
I have spent the last 20 years figuring out how I got here emotionally. I now want to spend the next twenty enjoying being here and appreciating my contributions to this world. I have done my best and it has to be good enough for me and that is all.
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