Resistance - Letting go

I haven't felt I anything much to write about these days.  I have been plugged back into the matrix and just enjoying the normal things life has to offer.  Work has been exceptionally busy but it doesn't seem like a burden to me like it has in the past.

I am happy that I have found my center once again.  It is true that it has taken me a long time to stop resisting this new life that I have been given.  The world seems to offer us two choices either to sit back and relax and let life just flow or to decide what you want and set out to make those dreams come true. The second seems like a lot of work to me.

If you believe in a power greater than yourself then there is nothing to do but enjoy what is right in front of you.  If you feel this life is it you better get busy.

I have come to the conclusion that life is about finding something to do each day that brings you joy or at least entertains you. I have found that thinking that a particular destination will bring you happiness never really works out.  You might have a short time of satisfaction until the mind gets restless again it is never going to be satisfied for very long.

I  have to decide how I want to feel today and what I need to do to make that happen. I am at my best when I stop resisting what I perceive to be unpleasant and just go with the flow.  In the end how much will any of this really matter.

Just for today I will do my best to let go and focus on what is right about my life and not get distracted by what I think isn't working.

Fear - Gut reaction - I could get a dog

It seems that with my own life I have had and underlying fear that I somehow the way I am is not good enough. Evidenced by the number of people that have left me or dismissed what I thought were significant contributions in my work life.  Even though intellectually I feel I have over come this fear sometimes my gut reaction to a situation shows me something different.

This week at work they hired someone new and put her in my office (our office). At first I took this very personally even though I have the only extra desk in my office in the whole company.  This wasn't a shock because the owner called me into his office last week to give me the news.  I was told weeks ago by my manager that this would not happen.

On Tuesday there was a big flurry of activity on that side of the office. My introverted senses felt overwhelmed and I wanted to flee.  I did leave for an appointment and it took me an hour to calm my nerves.  She has made it quite clear that she is loud and proud and wanted to know if she could bring a radio into the office. Also she said I should get some head phones. I was dumb struck at first but then said absolutely not to the radio.

I immediately felt that they were trying to run me. In the words of the owner "she is our new great white hope" as all new hires are.  I told him so was Stephanie the last person that shared my office. He said he didn't even remember her.  I said "you loved her and even trained her personally and now you don't even remember her".  I could see the fact that he didn't remember her was disturbing to him.

I know I probably shouldn't have said all that but I knew this was my only chance to say my peace. Sometimes I am so over being afraid.  He said he would consider some of the suggestions I made about space but I knew it was lip service. He had made up his mind without informing my manager I was lucky he even bothered to tell me.

There is a misconception about me. People think because I am an introvert content to listen instead of talk that this means I am passive. This is far from the truth and I have been know to say things when no one else will. I no longer feel the need to fight other peoples battles but I can stand up for myself when I need to and don't feel any human is superior to another.

I was near tears on Tuesday but mainly because I believed this action was take to push me out.  This is the past fears rising up to try to relive the groove in my brain that says "I am not enough".

I do prefer to go to the office to work because there is a clear separation between work hours and home hours. I have been rethinking this since Tuesday and worked at home on Friday.  I do have a lovely unused office at home and a docking station and computer screen provided by the company.

The new person is on the other team which means that she should be on opposite days from me. I am getting use to the idea of being more independent.  No one cares whether you come to the office or not as long as you are closing deals. I just like being in a building with people even if I don't actually want to interact with them. I am already alone a lot at home so more of that isn't that appealing.

(side note) I could get a dog.

I am going to not take it personally and remember everything isn't about me. Besides the last person was only there two weeks. My team members have said I am the only person that has ever stayed. I couldn't decide it that is a good or bad thing. It is a tough place to work because there is no support but with sales that just goes with the territory.

You have to be independent and fearless to survive. I try to work my job as consciously as possible and I like being able to decide how I want to run my work load.  Looking not just at the bottom line but whether spiritually the customer or project is the right fit for me.

Today things are changing and I am accepting those changes as gracefully as possible.  Tomorrow I am back in the office and we shall see how I feel about it. Wish me luck.  

Boot Camp - Being new

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I feel like I have signed up for design boot camp.  I am super busy and exhausted to the point of being punchy. It feels good to be really busy but my mind is so stimulated that I have entered that manic phase.

I spent the day alone with myself yesterday just trying to wind down from turning my world upside down.

I have run into some big personalities at my new place. Someone complained about me asking them questions. She told me that they weren't training me very well and I said " as far as I know no one is officially training me and the best I could do is ask people questions when I don't know something."

Because I own my own business and have done this for 10 years I expect they assume I will figure things out for myself which is true.   It is the products and procedures that I don't know. My first morning I couldn't even figure out how to turn my office lights on. This might be a theme for me no lights in my office.

I already feel more at home there than I do here so that is good. My customers here are starting to come out of the woodwork now that I am leaving. It seems the universe is thumbing her nose at me saying see you acted too quickly. I do feel like a quitter some days but mostly I am too busy to think about it.

I am happy to be older and to have experience with failure. When you have failed not being perfect is a lot easier.  I am okay not knowing what I am doing a lot of the time. I am the new person after all and it only bothers me a little that that woman complained about me. She in the office next to mine and I will surely be asking more questions.

I don't look at life the way I use to and my spiritual melt down taught me that not too many things are really that important. I will do my best but I am not willing to play the game anymore. I am really just not that interested. I know where people are coming from because I use to be there.  I took life so personall I was a victim and thought it was other peoples job to make me feel good about myself. They really weren't that interested.

Today I will focus on today and tomorrow I will be back in boot camp up to my eye balls in things I don't know. In time it will be routine and I will be bored so for now I will just enjoy the ride and try not to take myself too seriously.