Flat Line - Bored to death

Home alone tonight watching bad movies, actually Flat Line a not so bad movie from the early 90's with all the famous twenty somethings. Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon. I also think one of the Baldwin boys was in it, I could be wrong. They were med students and decided they would experiment with death. Medically stopping their heart for a number of minutes and bringing themselves back.

After each had their turn they were experiencing some scary unresolved issue that haunted them until they faced it in this life. For some it was by making amends an for others it was by seeing that they were children and couldn't be held responsible.

It is the past that holds me back or really how I look at the past that holds me back. Tonight for me I feel restless and tired from the work week and not feeling like doing anything. I have had enough TV and so am sitting in my newly created den doing a little writing, which always makes me feel better.

The distant past doesn't haunt me so much anymore it is the not so distant past that has showed up. I know that everything is as exactly as it is suppose to be but is is me that is impatient.

Overall I have had a good day, I closed a deal this morning, visted a job site and then bought some new canvasses at half price. So I am bored tonight, I guess they're worse things. It is quiet and I am happy to feel like my house is finally becoming my home.

Finding the new me - I am enough

After rearranging my house I of course I had to think about why I did that. It was perfectly suited for entertaining and large gatherings. What I realized is that is not who I am anymore.

For the past two decades I have made more food than you could possibly imagine and served more people on a regular basis, than most people do on the the holidays. What I realized is, I have moved on. Don't get me wrong I loved cooking and entertaining like my version of Martha Stewart.

It felt good serving up bowls of love and creating the family I lost as a child. I needed to find out that even with all that I couldn't feel secure the way I did as a child. As an adult I have found that that love is conditional and the only way to make sure you are loved 100% of time is to love yourself. It isn't easy to think of yourself as lovable but we expect others to think we are lovable.

I have spent the past few months facing my own insecurities and loving myself despite them. Looking at the core of me and facing the fear that I am not enough. Enough for who? Me, I am not enough for me. New flash, I can change that thought I can't change whether or not I am enough for someone else but I can be enough for me.

It sounds a bit dramatic but this longing to be good enough for someone has held me back in so many ways. I feel somehow free for the first time in my life.

Last night I painted for the first time in a long time. In rearranging my house I converted a room that would be used for social occasions into a private studio. In a matter of a couple of hours I had a new painting. I feels really good to be a peace.

Letting Go - Again

The meeting has been postponed for now. For a moment I just wanted things wrapped up as I stated, yesterday. But I guess the timing isn't exactly right. God's time is perfection, mine is not. So I will wait and it will all work out the way it is suppose to, this I truly believe.

I am good with this delay, because I am busy and stressed with my schedule and truthfully it threw me off when a date was set. I just wanted to be done and free from the thoughts of what might have been.

I was re-reading Eat, Pray and Love last night and her summary of what she learned from her time in prayer and I could understand with such clarity her thoughts on love and our nature to seek a spiritual path. The peace we find when we step aside and let our higher selves run our lives. Without the fear and worry without grasping for something or someone to fill the void and satisfy our hunger.

Seeing everyone from a higher place, a spiritual place, can remove the feeling that it is personal and that ultimately we are not worthy of what we want so badly, love.

Can I trust myself?

It seems that sometimes I am last to know my true feelings. I have been blindsided time and time again by my own emotions. My mind says every things fine, you doing great, not obsessing content maybe even happy and then boom out of left field I am overtaken by sadness, depression and even love.

In relationships I am always the last to recognize the attraction or even the distance that has taken place. Why is that, am I so out of touch with myself that I don't notice or am I in my head most of the time and my heart is doing it's on thing.

I have set up a meeting with someone that I loved and lost. The timing was bad and it would have never worked. So we are meeting again for the first time since the drama has passed and we are both in different places.

It is my nature to analyze and process something until every nook and cranny has been analyzed. It is my way. It is my brain that does this, I can't be done until I am done. I can't be free to move on until I have completed this cycle.

So do I think there is hope, maybe. Does it really matter at this point, maybe. Can I accept the outcome no matter what, maybe. Do I have expectations, maybe.

The bottom line is I feel good about this and I think I need this to move on but, I don't trust myself.

Can I trust myself?

Trading Spaces - Moving on

I spent the last two days rearranging my house. I have done this since I was about five starting with two twin beds a dresser and a desk. My Mom would find me laying up against the wall pushing the furniture around with my feet. She would roll her eyes and close the bedroom door, except during the time I had groovy beads instead of a door. She was a strict parent but only when it had to do with right and wrong, everything else was in the category of " how important is it? "

I was strong willed to say the least and she picked her battles with me. I am lucky even though she died when I was 11. She gave me a strong since of myself early on and it was a good thing because after her death I was on my own. I was a leader and not a follower and that kept me away from drugs and self-destructive behavior, I was no angel but the damage wasn't permanent, I don't think.

So changing my space this weekend says two things about where I am spiritually, first that my energy is back and second that I am ready for change, whatever it may be. I am not scared of the future anymore and I have accepted the past. I have been stuck in that in between space for so long, not knowing if I would ever be free again and just when I gave up, the funk of depression moved on.

I have a new space in my head and in my house. I am sure my mom is shaking her head about now.

Standing in the Light

I was moved by an interview that Oprah did with Lisa Marie Presley about her relationship with Michael Jackson. It made me realize that it doesn't matter where you come from or how much money you have addiction still has the same effect on our lives.

She spoke about how special she felt when she was with him and when he let his guard down and let her in how she just wanted to stand there in that light and soak it in. But then the drugs would become more important and he would withdraw and leave her in the dark.

I understood what she meant and remembered how intoxicating it was to be in that light. I was special, I was a let in a part of an elite group. Sick attracting sick was really what it was all about. I needed for someone else to make me feel special because on my own I was nothing. I didn't have my own light so without theirs I was in the dark.

I could see it on her face even though it was 10 years ago the addiction to the addicted. We are the same lost and looking for something to fill the void left by whatever. Someone to save me to take me away from myself really. The voice in my head telling me that I was nothing if no one needed me.

I was surprised by the reaction I had to this interview and wondered if I could still get sucked in? I know I could, but it would be eyes wide open and no one to blame but myself.

I make my own light now and so that makes their light a little less bright.