The battle of the mind - Attracted to the addicted

I was looking for a small notebook to put by my bed for note taking.  What I found one with some writing I did a long time ago when I was actually on the beach.  I was writing about being stuck.  A theme I feel that has always been a part of my life but there was some excitement in it about The Course in Miracles.  I have moved on from that realizing that it was just another way of me not accepting what is and hoping these words dictated by (?) to a PHD and written down to share with the general public would be the truth and answers I was looking for.

I loved the words they formed sentences that were so complicated - almost like a PHD wrote them - that my mind would leap for joy just trying to wrap my head around them.  My mind is always looking for a puzzle to solve a place that needs fixing or just a bit of straightening up.  That is why I fell for the addicted over and over so much work to be done.  I knew I could help I had the power to make things better and they really liked my help for awhile. Until whatever they were addicted to got jealous and wanted me out of the picture.

I was hurt over and over again volunteering to give over my life to a cause and then being surprised that it wasn't appreciated in the least.  Now I know my mind just really likes complicated things.  It gets bored and starts looking around for entertainment.  I use to just do whatever anyone wanted me to do just to stay busy and keep my mind distracted.

I would find myself doing things that I really had no interest whatsoever in doing. I blamed others for sucking me in I guess I thought I couldn't say no. Now I just do what I want and sometimes there isn't anything I really want to do and I have to accept that this is where I am.  It is at times like these that my mind causes me a lot misery looking here an there to point out things that need to be done.  I hear those words "what is wrong with you? Look at all that needs to be done and you are doing nothing."

I can and have done a lot in my life.  Getting things done can give you a moment of happiness but then what is next?  Luckily my job keeps me plenty busy and keeps my mind off my back. It is only when I am home alone to long that things get ugly.  Sometimes I am not interested in being productive and the battle begins.

I always know that this conflict will pass and tomorrow I will be back to work.  Thank God for work.

Flat Line - Bored to death

Home alone tonight watching bad movies, actually Flat Line a not so bad movie from the early 90's with all the famous twenty somethings. Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon. I also think one of the Baldwin boys was in it, I could be wrong. They were med students and decided they would experiment with death. Medically stopping their heart for a number of minutes and bringing themselves back.

After each had their turn they were experiencing some scary unresolved issue that haunted them until they faced it in this life. For some it was by making amends an for others it was by seeing that they were children and couldn't be held responsible.

It is the past that holds me back or really how I look at the past that holds me back. Tonight for me I feel restless and tired from the work week and not feeling like doing anything. I have had enough TV and so am sitting in my newly created den doing a little writing, which always makes me feel better.

The distant past doesn't haunt me so much anymore it is the not so distant past that has showed up. I know that everything is as exactly as it is suppose to be but is is me that is impatient.

Overall I have had a good day, I closed a deal this morning, visted a job site and then bought some new canvasses at half price. So I am bored tonight, I guess they're worse things. It is quiet and I am happy to feel like my house is finally becoming my home.