Space and time - Let me think about that

I have been considering where I want to go from here regarding this blog and 12 step work. With my recent revelations about being fully awake I wanted to share what I can about how I got here.

Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps try to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

I am a practical person and always want to cut to the chase. It was never about the journey for me but the destination. When I recently reached, in my mind, the destination, I was devastated. I untied the final knot in the tangle mess I have carried for my whole life and I felt the fear of all fears there was nothing left.

The silence was deafening. I realized that I had created what I had perceived as myself. In all my millions of thoughts I had established the character of myself and maintained the character by reinforcing those opinions with more thoughts. When I repeated my story to others they would help me to reinforce my story. I was stuck in the pain of the events of my life because without the story, who would I be?

This idea occurred to me when the woman who was a brain doctor had a stroke and lost her memory. She said she was free of past pain and could focus on what she wanted to do today. She also said she had to emotionally read people to know whether to trust them or not. She didn't remember them so all she had was her own intuition.

About this time you might be thinking I am nuts and I am. Even though it might sound arrogant to say I have reached the end of my journey but it is actually very humbling. In my mind I made myself the most important thing. My focus on the pain of the past kept me unconscious to the present and all that is before me. I made it complicated because making it complicated makes me more important.

I have some cleaning up to do from the fall out of delving even deeper into self-absorption. I had to go there because I went. There are no mistakes.

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Why am I always surprised when there is yet another spiritual awakening. I can't believe I am going to have to say this: it is about the journey and at this point my bags are empty so traveling will be light.

In the words of a great spiritual teacher. How would feel without that thought? Can we let it go of our painful thoughts and free ourselves.