I mentioned before that during a meeting someone said "what would you do if you had no fear?" In my mind I said I would take off and see my sister. So I did.
The timing was right for me and my customers. Maybe not perfect for anyone else with the owner out of town but I decided to just do it anyway. I have played the part of manager and keeper of all things over and over again. I don't need this label I have given myself. I am good at it but that doesn't mean I have to do it again and again.
Miracle of miracles everything went fine a couple of crisis but nothing with my customers. I felt strange being out of character but I got over it pretty quick. I don't want a permanent role I want to be free. This is a daily choice to be free from past definitions of myself.
The trip was the best ever probably because it was like visiting for the first time. I was different I was free from my childish self and able to meet my sister as one adult to another. In the past I had baggage. This time we talked one adult to another the timing was perfect. I said I was sorry I hadn't been there for her the past 10 years and she said she was sorry she left me with my dad and stepmother at 13.
I had to get rid of my demons from the past before this embrace could happen. I have felt alone since the death of my mom and it was painful to be around my sister. She did have a relationship with my dad that I did not. It was important to her because she had children. I felt judged and was judged for my decision to stay away.
Time uncovers truths when the opportunity is right. Our black and white views become gray with age and we can either choose to open our eyes or bury our heads a little deeper. My mom taught us that the truth will set you free and we both got that.
We are starting fresh no past to hinder us and this is quite the miracle. I am able to accept her as she is instead of who I want her to be. I told her that I wanted her to have what I had and she said she just wanted me to have what she had. Who cares now we got what we got and some of it was good and some of it was bad.
Finally letting go of the past and accepting the present is all I have to work with frees me from the restrictions I put on myself. It is my own thoughts about the past that binds me.
I'm so glad you had a good time with your sister and both were able to talk things out. I found with my sister, too, that time heals a lot of wounds and it became easier to just be who we are...together. Breaking our own personal molds is difficult. You did it.
ReplyDeletewow impressive. Family stuff is not easy. its amazing that you are able to let go of wanting things to go your way to the extent that you have. I meet many 'motherless daughters' in AA. It's not an easy road. I stay away from family too as much as I can as there are some pretty toxic and harmful siblings. I have been judged for staying away too, but I do not regret it, as they messed with my head too much when I was earlier in sobriety. Some are still pretty nasty after all this time so I still avoid them when possible. good luck with your new venture into this relationship..
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you went and had an opportunity to clear the air with your sister. That is a really good thing.
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