I worked in the yard yesterday taking care of some long forgotten dead potted plants. I was forcing myself to just be still where I am, without giving thought to anything but the moment. That didn't totally work.
A friend had given me five flats on dwarf mondo grass six months ago. Her daughters nursery was closing and they were going to pitch them out. I knew how expensive they are because my ex and I had paid for a landscaping plan that called about a hundred of them. We never filled in the patch because even then we thought they were too expensive.
I thought wow free mondo grass. I wanted them but really didn't have a place for them in my new life, but took them anyway. In my depression I never got them planted. They have been dead for months an unidentified plants have sprouted up through the pots.
When I dumped the pots they each had worms in them so I guess it wasn't a total loss.
The whole thing made me think of how at one point in your life you can really want something and then by the time it shows up you really have no use for it. You have changed, your life has changed and you really can't remember why it was so important in the first place.
I have accepted that a lot went to waste while I was away emotionally. I feel like I am cleaning up after a storm. Happy that the storm has finally passed and ready to face the mess it left behind.
It's odd because I didn't let things go at all. I kept working and doing things because I had to have some order in my life and some perfection. Now I don't worry about those things as much as I used to. I no longer strive for perfection. It feels good.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful post! Yes I do understand this, I am certified to do welfare but im two years off a degree but do I want to go and finish that now! It doesnt interest me now as my life has changed to. It is hard trying to get others to understand! Thankyou for your post!
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