I have had some news today that would normally rock my world and it did but only for a minute. I don't think I want to share that here at this moment. Nevertheless I needed a distraction so I went out to facebook to see what I could find.
Being fully awake in my life now I want to see everything just as it is. Since I have given up my story of being a girl without a family and started actually trying to have a relationship the part of my family still alive I decided to check my half sisters facebook page.
She posted a picture of our Dad with her from her wedding day. His big smiling face and her in her movie star (judgement or observation?) wedding gown. She noted that she missed him. I am her friend on facebook so I gave the picture a thumbs up.
She had a different life than me and her mom was always about the way things looked rather than what is on the inside. I didn't go to the wedding I couldn't have dealt with that whole scene.
You see it has always been about me. Locked in my own pain walking around expecting someone to understand me heal me be there for me. Stuck in a childs emotional mind.
Don't get me wrong I had to be there for as long as it took. So now what do I do about my little sister? Can I reach out and test the waters? If I mend what is broken then I will have to face my final dragon, her mother.
Her mother was the first person I encounter that I thought was pure evil. I know now it isn't true (first I wrote is true, a Freudian slip) and it wasn't personal. She is old now and has been pretty miserable most of her life. My Dad loved her unconditionally just as he did my own mother.
I have gotten over her emotionally and at my Dad's house after his funeral she actually said how much they both had loved me. REALLY! I knew my issues were with my Dad and loyalty so I never considered her as the real problem. But when I was under her rule life was no picnic.
If I want to be more than just a thumbs up on facebook it will include her mother. Can I do that now? A test of my no baggage lifestyle. Maybe.
We do have the same blood flowing through our veins. She is family. Can I see past the labels I have given her and see her without judgement.
We'll see only time will tell.
Dealing with family issues has been the hardest for me, yet every small step of the way I am shown by others how. Nothing has been resolved for me overnight. With some it has been easier than others. With some the best I can do is clean up my side of the street and open the door. With others, well, the door is still shut but the story is not over yet.
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