I am driving to Atlanta tomorrow for a family Christmas dinner on my dad's side. I have been invited over the years but never went because I couldn't face the situation with my dad. Ironically now that he is gone I am attending for the first time.
In the past I didn't feel I could act like everything was just great and besides my step-mother was always their too. Too much to deal with and not really worth it. She might be there this time but now that I have found my adult self I can handle it.
She is really the final frontier for me. She was a mean an insecure person and her own daughters have issues with her. She planted some bad seeds in me about my looks and I can't imagine what it would be like to have her as your real mother.
Letting go of veiwing life from a child's perspective has freed me. I don't feel anyone owes me anything anymore. My happiness is my own responsibility. The child in me will only be used for playing from now on. No more longing for acknowledgement or waiting for someone to decide if I am worthy of love.
The void in me is gone for the most part, I never thought that was possible. I realize now that I will never get what that child wanted because the time has passed for that. I didn't get it because the people I wanted it from weren't capable of giving to me. My longing for it has held back. I have repeated it over and over with different relationships with the same results.
I have replaced that longing with love for myself. I have become that encouraging praising parent that I needed all those years. I am kind to that child within me and refrain from constantly criticizing myself like I did in the past. This has slowly helped me heal some pretty deep scars and I have moved on.
I stayed stuck because I couldn't see that I didn't need their approval I needed my own approval. Somewhere deep inside I didn't think I was worth loving. I had to earn love and I did, but it never lasted. When it was gone I blamed myself and knew there was something wrong with me. I was unlovable.
So I am a new person going to spend time with my long lost family. They have been there all the time I just felt more comfortable on the outside. I am sure it will be fun and the food will be good.
Your post reminds me of a good read and an epiphany of my own back in October.
ReplyDeleteAn excerpt.
"Making amends isn't about apologizing...
it's about figuring out [what] went wrong...
and doing what I can to make it right...
I needed to give myself what was not in [my father's] power to give...
I am forgiving my father each time I give myself something I need or want. In this way - I - make [the] amends."
From Al-Anon book Hope For Today, October 22.
That was a novel and helpful perspective for me. Make amends in the place of my alcoholic??? Why sure... Making amends is simply making things right, even if I'm not to blame. Apologies or amends from my alcoholic/s aren't possible in most cases. More importantly, they aren't necessary - for me to move on. I can allow myself what they dis-allow me and thereby undo this legacy of waiting and loathing.
Wishing you all the fun and good food you can handle!
This post really touched me. I have just recently come to a *shift* in my own relationship with my parents, who live 900 miles away. I love your words..."Letting go of veiwing life from a child's perspective has freed me." That was exactly what I needed to do - I'm an adult, my parents are adults - and we are equals. In my case, it was abuse from my mother, and grandfather, and a father who didn't 'see' it. And I married an alcoholic. I never got what I wanted from any of the people I needed it from, but now I can get what I need from within me. It was there all along..LOVE. When I found it, I was able to forgive.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing and putting words to my own experience!