Twins

Nothing is real. This is what I have to remember and maybe a far out concept for most but I have realized the everything is just seen from my wee little perspective.

At best rose colored glasses at worst from the self-absorbed child that I am sometimes. I say that in the most loving way, really.

What I mean is that the truth I perceive for myself has been tainted. I have filters that I have picked up along the way that help me see things the way I want to see them.

This is evolution my friend seeing that I am not really seeing. Every time I face that truth I become a little freer than I was before.

Since I can't really know someone else's truth I have no choice but to bring nothing to the table. I always thought I had special powers for summing people up but then I found this was caused by living in dysfunction when you have to be prepared for anything at a moments notice.

I have been asking myself lately if I really need those skills. I will never know whether I made an accurate read on someone or if maybe my own negativity affected the way someone reacted towards me. Then I could be so proud and say I knew they were going to do that. Self fulfilling prophecy.

I was reading this morning about how sometimes people aren't ready for the simple truth and if they understood that they were causing the pain they are in it would be too much. I get that now more than ever.

The years of the program revealed things to me little by little. Then I would stop growing for a while, a plateau you might say, mostly when I didn't want to see the truth. I would rest and focus on others until I was ready to move on.

I didn't think it was possible to feel the way I do now. I still get scared about the future but the past isn't holding me back the way it use to. Who knew I could find a way out if I kept searching.

Today things seem clear to me and I realized that my monkey mind had me up a tree yesterday. Things are never as they appear if I don't react I can see it is all just and illusion.