Monks and living in the moment

I am feeling pretty free these days even though nothing has really changed except for my mind. Accepting that mind is made to always want something more or something different than what I have helps me see my own insanity.

I have spent my life striving for something better. A better position and better job or even striving to be more spiritual. Even saying " I am a work in progress" implies that what I am not enough just as I am.

Being  in the present moment erases the idea of wanting something more. Even having hopes for the future takes you out of the moment. Can people really live like this or is this some idealistic idea that only monks in a monastery can muster.  I bet even monks think about what is for dinner.

In my mind I just want to use the present moment idea to give up worry or the idea that I must do more to get what I want. When I find the place of peace every once in awhile the things that in need flow towards me without effort. Let go and let go. Where have I heard that before?

I have been practicing this this week with several situations looming over me. Every time my mind wanted to obsess about it I picture a bright light and the word God. The first situation happened yesterday and it went fine. It was a non-event.

I have experienced being in the moment and not projecting anything good or bad. Why can't I let go like this all the time? My mind thrives on suffering more than it thrives on peace. We say we want peace but it can be uncomfortable because to have peace you have to take your ego out of every situation. You can't feel you are better or worse than anyone else. You can't judge behavior you don't understand or don't agree with in someone else.

When I am anxious and unhappy in the moment if I stop and say what is wrong with this moment? I can see that it is that constant wanting that makes me so unhappy. Right now I tell myself  I want a relationship. When I was in a relationship I wanted a better relationship. Nothing ever quite measured up because I wanted more no matter what.

Reading Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth made me see that the human mind and ego are programed to want more. It is a habit and it seem especially in our society to feel if we aren't trying to get more we are lazy and unproductive. When we achieve something we hardly stop and take a breath before we move to the next thing.

Does it need to be this way? Can I step back and live differently than most of the people I know? It feels uncomfortable. I want to do it but mind sees it as being left out. It ask me "what are you going to do for the rest of your life?" Everyone is working towards something or making plans. This makes me feel that this moment and this life right now isn't enough. Some great moment in the future will make me happier than I am now.

I will get past the awkwardness of peace because I have gone too far to turn back now. Living in peace without my story leaves me nothing but time to fill. I had no idea just how much energy I spent dwelling on the past or dwelling on the future.

Today is it and half of that is already over. I went to my drawing class this morning and being there felt so right just focused on the task at hand. Just like I am at this very moment.