My life is about to get really crazy so I am not sure how often I will be able to write. We are dissolving our business partnership. It has never been a partnership just two people working under the same roof. I thought she was going to buy me out but the low ball ofter was really low so we are going to liquidate.Closing a business that has been in the same location for 40 plus years will be no easy task. We were put together by circumstances and at this point we have irreconcilable differences. Nobody knows this yet but you. I have a few jobs to wrap up and then I will go on to my new life.
I got to work this morning and vandals had broke one of our huge plate glass windows. In my mind this is just another sign to get out. We are both ready she wants until the end of the year but I am not waiting that long.
It feels a little like divorce but without the loss of love that was once there. We are similar in a lot of ways we even say things at the same time. She is a mirror of myself 10 years ago. I wanted to avoid yet another breakup but it isn't possible.
I am actually happy and when I saw the window I thought "it is time to go." I am sad to give up this dream but I think it has played itself out. I don't really feel too invested in anything anymore.
It is really peaceful in my head and I don't feel I have to prove anything to anyone anymore even myself. My ego is disappointed that I not the driven person I use to be. I am happy to just be who I am.
The years of depression changed me forever. I haven't been a great partner all the time. I couldn't take the lead like I did in the past to get things done. I was burnt out emotionally. I wasn't able to be the rock for the first time in my life. The rock was under water. With those word I feel so much emotion.
I am so grateful to no longer be there. I found my way out, with God's help I was able to see the lies I believed about myself. I could see how I believed I was unworthy of love and thought that was why everyone left me.
People leave because they have got to go. They leave because they think they can be happier someplace else and maybe they can. Maybe I need them to go so I can be happier too. I stay too long I use relationships to avoid dealing with the deepest of issues I can't face.
I have faced
those demons and I am finally free for the first time in my life. It feels weird to not be waiting for someone or something to make me happy. I can just be happy where I am doing what I am doing. What a concept.
Freedom requires sacrifice, but I am finding that the rewards are greater than I could have imagined. A lighter heart, a forgiving attitude - for others and mostly for myself, and real happiness on the inside replacing the hurt thats been bogging me down for so many years. Grace, sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings as you do sometimes overwhelm me. Its as if you went inside my head and copied down what is going on in there. So when I am inspired by what you share, even what you did today, it gives me such a better understanding of myself and I gain a little more insight into who I am. Ive been "waiting" for a long time, and it does feel weird to know more and more what I have waited for has always been right here inside me. I pray you experience a positive transition into the new phase of your life. Thank you again for sharing.
ReplyDeleteGood for you ...your "work in progress" seems to be getting results. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteSo it sounds like this is bittersweet. I pray you find your new path and it is filled with total freedom and joy for you. <3
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as if you are ready and have let go. That's a good thing when the time has come. I wish you the best.
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