I have been in a tizzy for a day. I feel my paths are split and my mind is wanting me to make a decision already and get on with it. I am resisting but yesterday I lunged towards one decision that I have been toying with for some time now.The result was not at all what I expected. The result was nothing. Not a word, not a peep nothing to confirm or deny whether it is or is not the right decision.
I find that my logical mind wants to just move along and not wait for God's timing. God takes too long in my opinion. I also know that isn't true when I look back at any part of my life I can see just how perfect the timing was no matter how awful it felt when nothing was going my way.
My indecision is fueled by things just not being ready. I am not ready or the circumstances are not right. I think now it is because my right brain is getting stronger and keeping my left from bulldozing me into just doing something. All signs point to wait.
If I can take this moment or even this day for just what it is then I have everything I need. If I think of next week or next month or next year then I am impatient and just want to make things happen.
I was broken for a long time and now I am better. My thinking is clearer but I still doubt my abilities and this makes me want to run away. I got no place to go so running isn't really option.
I can see today what is happening I have to start facing my fears and prove to myself that I have still got it. The time it is taking for me to make decisions is healing time. Part of me thinks that I have been permanently damaged and I will never be the same. The other part knows that this has actually made me stronger than ever. Not the same but a better version of myself.
It is true that I don't really know who I am exactly, but I have to be okay with that. I know that I am not the person I was so everything feels like new territory. Each fear I face is one step closer to discovering who I am now.
Hi and thank you, yout words are an answer to my prayers in recent days. God is good. Today is my birthday, and I had a lovely day. I went to work, I was there alone today, but felt so loved with calls and texts and emails all day. I felt happiness and genuine joy feeling the warmth and friendship from so many. I have been impatient, wanting things to "move along". My hardship with the person I love has rocked on for 3 yrs now. But I am a different person since alanon. I am getting in touch with myself. My loved one is sober nd working just as hard. I need to slow down and accept each day as it is, let it all unfold with an open mind and faithful heart. This post is exactly what Ive been prauing to hear. Thank you. With love, Patty
ReplyDeleteAs Patty said ..."accept each day as it is" ...not easy but one of the most powerful things that I've learned in my 24 years in AA. I'm sure it applies to Al-anon too. Hang in there ...it does get easier and is well worth the wait.
ReplyDeleteI understand these thoughts. Lately, I have had a foreboding about the future. I know that the light hearted feelings that I had have been dampened by the deaths over the last few months. It has been a turning point for me, but hopefully not a permanent one. Not projecting is a large part of staying at peace.
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