I have the real weekend off and have slept in until almost 11 both
days. I haven't done that in a very long time. I don't feel
particularly tired but sleep is the best remedy for most things physical and
mental. The next few weeks will be busy and it is probably good to get it
while I can.
We have a big wedding coming up the first
of August my nephew is marrying into a pretty prominent family in his town.
There is an event every day for four days leading up to the wedding.
I have had to go out and buy the hopefully appropriate clothes. My
life has been more the life of a monk than a socialite so it is pretty
stressful. The women at the first store kept saying "you can't wear
that" finally settling on a top for the rehearsal dinner.
I spoke to my sister and she is stressed
10 fold. We both are wishing we were thinner about now but not enough to
jump on the diet path. She will be in the official pictures and I will
not. She told me she has tried on 30 dresses and her final picks got the
thumbs down from her son.
Pieces of my past will be at the table
every night. My step mother will be the honored grandmother. Hopefully it
will be a big table and I will be at the other end. She is the last
person that can still stir something in me. If she had been kinder and more
loving my life would have been different. I was an obstacle to her something
between her and my father.
It was a true Cinderella story with the
chores and all. She didn't reserve her treatment for just me but even her
own daughters. She was an angry women who was left by her first husband
the love of her life and she could never accept this rejection. The
"I am not enough story" manifesting it 'self just below the surface.
I understand and have compassion for this story now but I don't necessarily
want to sit next to her at the dinner table.
If you believe in God then you have to
accept that everything happens for a reason. Life is laid out in a divine
plan and we are exactly where we are suppose to be a nice story. This
thought can keep you going but I now believe that life is just life. When
bad things happen we just find a way to get through it the best we can and when
good things happen we just try to enjoy the moment.
I try my best everyday to just be kind and
compassionate. Realizing that everyone has their own story that they are living
and that it has nothing really to do with me. I can't change them just
give them encouragement and if they reject me or love me it isn't something
about me it is about them.
When I am at my best I choose to not take
it personally. Sometimes when I want someone to like me or do something I
want them to do and they don't I slip away from peace and back to pain and
frustration. Luckily it doesn't last too long and I can return to peace.
When I head out to family central in the
next few weeks I will have many opportunities to test my faith and use what I
have learned. I am going with an open mind knowing I am healthier spiritually
than I have ever been. I am no longer Cinderella trapped in a bad
situation I can't escape. I escaped without the prince and the story
wasn't the fairytale I wished for but I have found my own happily ever after.
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