I went to the dentist this week and my dental hygienist told me
about a friend that was severely depressed. She recently divorced and
lost her design business. She said she doesn't talk to anyone and has
tried unsuccessfully to kill herself. Mostly she just sits and stares.
She is on anti-depressants and they seem to be making her worse.
I shared my story
and my recovery explaining that I felt that my own break began with the shock
of several things happening at the same time. The ending of a 13 year
relationship, having to move and then the recession making my own business
virtually disappear. The trauma sent m instantly into menopause and hyper-thyroidism
I couldn't functions. I thought about ending my own life mostly because I
didn't think I could live another day without any emotions.
I didn't consider
anti depressants I did consider hormones but my mind was so convinced that we
could work through this like we had always done. That it was just grief
and it would pass. It was painful to be around other people and it was
painful for them to be around me. Someone actually told me that at one
point. I couldn't be around anyone that needed or expected anything from me.
I couldn't be cheered up I was past that point.
During that time
all I wanted to do is be outside. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat it
is a miracle that I was able to find my way out of this blackness. I had no
interest in anything. I once went to an antique mall with a friend and I
couldn't even look around. I felt so disconnected that I told her I was going
to sit outside and wait for her. It didn't matter where I was or what I
was doing. I wasn't sad I was void of any emotions. She said she couldn't
see me anymore. I thought "I wish I couldn't see me anymore".
I didn't blame her.
Looking back I can
see that there was a lot different things going on. Some were definitely
spiritual and emotional. I didn't take the medical route because I didn't
have insurance that would cover a bunch of tests or prescriptions. The one
person that was able to hang with me did finally buy me some over the counter
progesterone. Amazingly it helped just enough to give me hope of
something better.
I had many
spiritual breakthroughs about the lack of love I had for myself. How
everything I had done before was done to meet the needs of others so they would
love me and they did until they didn't anymore. I did stop doing for others and
it confirmed my worse fears most everyone disappeared. So it was true I wasn't
worthy of love just being myself wasn't enough.
How bleak is that?
I didn't know where to go I had already exhausted every spiritual route.
I did have a breakthrough on the porch one day. I felt like I heard
"you're doing this to yourself" You could also say this was me blaming
me again. Was it really that simple? Maybe.
Of course it
wasn't that simple but at least it was a start. I knew I couldn't trust
the thoughts I was having as reality. I did decide that day to just
accept who I had become and move on. This was evidently the new me and I
had to live with it. The search to find the person I lost was so exhausting
my mind was constantly looking for a solution. This kept me stuck and kept me
from healing.
I started to rest
where I was and things started to get better. Over the years some parts
of me have come back and others have not. I don't mind. I am grateful
that I have made it through to the other side stronger than I ever was.
If you have read
my blog before you have heard this story before but I felt it needed to be told
again. I have been pretty happy lately and had forgotten where I was until I heard
about the pain of another.
I wanted to get
the woman's number but that wasn't possible under the circumstances. I wanted
to say "tell her to stop listening to her mind it might be lying to
her" but I didn't. I did offer the progesterone over the counter
recommendation. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
When your mind
turns against you and you believe the distorted truth it is hard to break free.
I feel that it was grace and my ability to finally let go that saved my
life. I know now that I am loved by my creator the one that lives inside of me
and that is enough.
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