Embracing the space - Trusting grace

There is a certain speaker that I just don't enjoy his messages seem staged to me and I usually just turn him off.  Today I randomly stopped and listened and it felt like it was a message just for me.  The topic "embrace the emptiness"

If you believe in something greater than yourself you can be open to hear or see something that seems like it is directed to you at that moment at that time. My experience with the bird this weekend felt like a gift just like today's message felt like a gift.  

I have been struggling with emptiness through the holidays. I have intentionally emptied my life over the years to find peace.  I don't just want to fill every moment just to get through it so I don't feel alone.  I have done that and it makes me feel drained and anxious.

The message today was about space in our lives to let something greater come in. It made me think of myself standing on an empty platform at a train station alone waiting for my train to arrive. I am not anxious I am peaceful knowing that shortly I will be on my way.

I feel my life has been touched by grace.  I have overcome many obstacles and in seemingly impossible situations I have been protected time after time. I know the only credit I can take for that is really just letting go and trusting that I can't do it on my own. I look back today at all the times I felt lost and empty like I have the past few weeks and know it will pass. 

The message was sent to me at just the right moment. Normally I wouldn't be home today or watching anything and again I wouldn't have been open to this particular speaker. I can accept the grace in the words "emptiness is leaving an opening for something greater than what we can imagine".

It feels awkward and for the doer in me I ask myself "what if nothing shows up and you never feel excited or inspired about life again?" Can I trust the emptiness? 

I have been cleaning out my old files at work close to 300 or more files and I have also been purging at home. This has triggered an idea that I am finished with things as they are and I am moving on. This has made me feel panic inside since I don't have a plan but today's message was for me "you don't need a plan just trust the process". 

With the pandemic everything is different we are all different. Our culture of doing seems more empty than ever and we all are just trying to feel like our old selves but that person doesn't exist anymore.  We are forever changed and maybe that is a good thing and sitting with the emptiness is an opportunity to find out what will fill us with new joy. 

    

Gratitude - Grace - Depression - Letting Go

I went to the dentist this week and my dental hygienist told me about a friend that was severely depressed.  She recently divorced and lost her design business.  She said she doesn't talk to anyone and has tried unsuccessfully to kill herself.  Mostly she just sits and stares. She is on anti-depressants and they seem to be making her worse. 

I shared my story and my recovery explaining that I felt that my own break began with the shock of several things happening at the same time.  The ending of a 13 year relationship, having to move and then the recession making my own business virtually disappear.  The trauma sent m instantly into menopause and hyper-thyroidism I couldn't functions.  I thought about ending my own life mostly because I didn't think I could live another day without any emotions. 

I didn't consider anti depressants I did consider hormones but my mind was so convinced that we could work through this like we had always done.  That it was just grief and it would pass.  It was painful to be around other people and it was painful for them to be around me.  Someone actually told me that at one point. I couldn't be around anyone that needed or expected anything from me.  I couldn't be cheered up I was past that point.

During that time all I wanted to do is be outside.  I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat it is a miracle that I was able to find my way out of this blackness. I had no interest in anything.  I once went to an antique mall with a friend and I couldn't even look around. I felt so disconnected that I told her I was going to sit outside and wait for her.  It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing.  I wasn't sad I was void of any emotions. She said she couldn't see me anymore.  I thought "I wish I couldn't see me anymore".  I didn't blame her.

Looking back I can see that there was a lot different things going on. Some were definitely spiritual and emotional.  I didn't take the medical route because I didn't have insurance that would cover a bunch of tests or prescriptions. The one person that was able to hang with me did finally buy me some over the counter progesterone.  Amazingly it helped just enough to give me hope of something better.

I had many spiritual breakthroughs about the lack of love I had for myself.  How everything I had done before was done to meet the needs of others so they would love me and they did until they didn't anymore. I did stop doing for others and it confirmed my worse fears most everyone disappeared. So it was true I wasn't worthy of love just being myself wasn't enough. 

How bleak is that?  I didn't know where to go I had already exhausted every spiritual route.  I did have a breakthrough on the porch one day. I felt like I heard "you're doing this to yourself"  You could also say this was me blaming me again. Was it really that simple?  Maybe.

Of course it wasn't that simple but at least it was a start.  I knew I couldn't trust the thoughts I was having as reality.  I did decide that day to just accept who I had become and move on.  This was evidently the new me and I had to live with it.  The search to find the person I lost was so exhausting my mind was constantly looking for a solution. This kept me stuck and kept me from healing.

I started to rest where I was and things started to get better.  Over the years some parts of me have come back and others have not. I don't mind.  I am grateful that I have made it through to the other side stronger than I ever was. 

If you have read my blog before you have heard this story before but I felt it needed to be told again. I have been pretty happy lately and had forgotten where I was until I heard about the pain of another. 

I wanted to get the woman's number but that wasn't possible under the circumstances. I wanted to say "tell her to stop listening to her mind it might be lying to her" but I didn't.  I did offer the progesterone over the counter recommendation.  I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. 

When your mind turns against you and you believe the distorted truth it is hard to break free.  I feel that it was grace and my ability to finally let go that saved my life. I know now that I am loved by my creator the one that lives inside of me and that is enough. 

Grace - Instincts and entertainment

I experienced a moment of grace this week that brought tears to my eyes.  I was on my way to work sitting at a light at a really busy intersection.  Two mallard ducks and six ducklings came to the corner and started crossing.  Cars and trucks were flying by and never slowed not one.  When the light finally changed the ducks were across.

It was like they were totally blind to their surrounding and yet they made it across   You could say it was instincts that took them across that busy street but we have all seen ducks that didn't make it.  I think this is why it felt like grace.  For some reason the universe conspired to protect them.

In my own life I have experienced a lot of grace.  When my mind failed me there was something that kept me going or at times kept me still. I always thought I could think my way out of any situation but my mind became my worst enemy and somehow something inside of me was able to see that.

It was hard but I started to ignore the voice that I had relied on my whole life. I started looking for the silence and when I found it I would just stop there for as long as I could.  I trust that part of me now more than ever and whenever I am at a crossroad I trust my instincts over my intellect.

My instincts my failed me like it did the ducks but I guess grace will have to kick like it has so many times before.  I love my mind and the entertainment it has offered me all these years but I have learned that it is mostly just talk and can't always be trusted.

Today I am happy to be free from thinking so much and thinking my thoughts will save me from whatever situation I am trying to run away from. I can be peaceful and know to trust my instincts and when they fail me there is always grace.

My story - The end of a journey

I wanted to write tonight and let you know that I have changed.  I can't really explain what has happened to me but it feels like I have reached the end of a long road of searching for something.

Did I find what I was looking for?  I think I found myself it is true that I was here all along but I didn't know it. I thought there was something wrong with me because I have been rejected a lot.

I thought I was rejected because at the core of me I was somehow wrong. I wasn't like anyone else no matter what I did I felt different.  I was always on the outside. Even in my family I just couldn't go along with the program.

I tried hard to find and love what other people seem to think was important but it didn't stick. I could hang in there for a while until something inside of me started to turn sour. I only acknowledged the way I felt by telling myself that something was wrong with me.

Since I didn't know what it was or how to fix it my answer was to stay busy. I found projects, people and problems to solve. This kept the self loathing at bay for awhile but eventually it seeped to the surface and repelled everyone in my path. I drove away the people I loved into the arms of others.

In the end the pain of being me caught up with me and I surrendered and committed to finding out how to change myself. I found the program of Al-Anon. I found a place where everyone was working on changing to become  better people. It felt like a really good investment and l felt like we all had the same goals.

I found a family there and also learned that my beliefs were causing a lot of own pain. I realized my need to manage everything and everyone was a real problem because nothing in life can be managed. The best I can hope for is to manage my thoughts and to try to stay honest with myself.

This was all great and made my life a lot easier but I was still just treating the symptoms. I didn't know that it was the belief I had about myself that caused all the pain. It was the belief that I was unlovable.

The changes I made did make it easier for me to fit in and find someone to love me for awhile. It happened again the self loathing seeped to the surface. I hid it by being compliant going along with what was expected. Living a good life but not enjoying it. I didn't want to be there. I was set free again and it nearly killed me.

I had done everything right but it wasn't enough I wasn't enough. Now what? I had to start over with no clue. All of what I had learned before seemed like empty words to me. No magic cure this time.

I tried returning to what had worked before I even tried to reconnect with my family thinking that I needed to belong but I still didn't. I had to face the truth I was dead in water with no place to go.

I stayed there in that dark place for what seemed like a lifetime. I was alone and the pain was unbearable. With time I accepted that this was what the rest of my life would look like. I stopped resisting and just went through the motions of every day.

I stopped wanting or asking for anything. I let go and I got better everyday. I did anything that gave me comfort I didn't have any expectations of myself.

I started to see I didn't need anything and the darkness lifted. I was all I needed just as I was empty but full of grace. I had taken this journey alone and learned that I was enough and worth saving and I was loved.

Grace - Something greater than myself

I spent the day working in the yard.  It was really beautiful here and a nice day to get out and get moving.  I cleaned the leaves off the roof and cleaned the gutters. Even though I have have been in the this house six years now it feels like it is new to me.

Sometimes I feel really guilty about the time I was lost in depression. What I have ahead of me is pretty daunting where my house is concerned. It reminds me of when I lived with alcoholism.

When my husband left the house was full of stuff. Years of two really sick people living together. Every room was packed and we even had two broken down cars in the garage.  He walked away and I retreated to my bed. It was too much for me losing him what would I do I couldn't take a breath without him. He was my saviour.

When I crawled out from under that rock and attended my first meeting I began to change. I began to start to take care of myself.  My life stopped revolving around someone else and there wants and needs. I started making decision that were what I needed and from my heart.

It was really scary to be on my own again.  I wasn't making enough money to pay the mortgage let alone the rest of the expenses that went with owning a house.  The program gave me the courage to move forward. It taught me how to believe in the grace of God in my life and there was a lot of grace.

I got two promotions and in one year that doubled my salary. Totally against company policy to get two promotions in one year but somehow it happened to me.

Before the promotions I needed to sell those cars and didn't even have the money for an ad in the paper. One had four flat tires.  I used my bicycle tire pump and pumped those tires up, popped the clutch into neutral and rolled it out into the drive way.  I put a for sale sign on it and the next day someone knocked on the door and offered me 2,000 in cash. The other I sold back to my ex after he totaled his car.

I believed and it worked.  I believed that God was taking care of me. It was just me and him until I met someone and then I shifted some of that faith on to my new love. Little by little I made a life that depended on the people and things around me instead of the grace I had found.

It is good to love and be loved but there must be more a deeper since of trust in yourself and trust in something greater than yourself spiritually. To know yourself to the core to face the secrets you have kept even from yourself. To lay it all out there and accept and love yourself regardless of what you see.

My journey has led me to some pretty awful places but I have no regrets because it has brought me full circle back to myself.  The person I was before I learned life the wrong way. I have found true grace.

Everything is coming together

I like this time of year. I will miss the daylight as the days get shorter but I always feel energized by the changes in weather. I don't feel guilty for staying in and tackling long over due chores.

I started today with an early customer appointment before opening the showroom. I had another appointment scheduled for noon that I knew was going to be a handful. I called the owner and ask him if he could come in for a few hours as back up. He agreed.

When he arrived we did a little catching up and I told him that I missed our long spiritual talks. I also told him that I was much more productive without all the jawing. Truthfully there is no way I could have kept up with the work load and entertained him like I use to.

We are a like in many ways and sometimes that scares me. He has worked hard most his life and I think is finally happy to turn the business over to someone. He will be 80in a couple of weeks. I hope I will not be working until I am 80. I want to have a more balanced life.

He told me he got a call from a woman he has been helping on an off throughout the years. She is in and out of AA and rehab her husband the same. He had a stroke a few years ago and is in a wheelchair. She called him recently to say she is having terrible dreams about demons and ask him to take her confession and pray for her. He did and then told her to go back to AA.

I told him I didn't know if I believed in demons but I do believe in negative thoughts and the energy that goes along with them. It seems to me that every time I am about to have an spiritual breakthrough I go as low as I can go.

The day on the porch when my depression lifted. The voice said to me you are doing this to yourself. An inner battle between total freedom and wanting my life to be over. Is it that simple? Is it chemical? Something inside of me did not want to let go of the pain even if it meant my life was over. Is this a spiritual battle with ones own ego. The self with the self or something else.

I was telling him this story and my eyes filled with tears. Recalling the grace I felt that day which seems like a million years ago now, even though only a few months. I chose life that day on the porch a spiritual awakening that saved my life. The god of my understanding freeing me from the hell my own thoughts had created.

Since that day everything has been flowing in my direction. The universe is conspiring to fulfill all my dreams. Work is busy and two of my friends that are designers have called me and want to come work with me. I talked it over with my partner and she seems open to it.

The owner is happy being at home watching football and coming to the rescue when we need him. It all seems to be coming together for us. I feel it took letting go to finally get it. I am free today and enjoying every minute of it.

Miracles happen sometimes it just takes awhile.

I had my belated birthday dinner with my sponsor last night. We met about 20 years ago when I kept seeing her following me to the meetings. We were instant friends and she never gave me too many rules. She was real patient with me and always positive.

She is still the most uplifting person I have ever met. Even though her home life wasn't too uplifting and her husband spent his evenings standing by his pick up truck drinking beer from a cooler. I guess he didn't think she would catch on after a few decades.

I always really liked him he was a large bearded man with a sand paper personality. Very smart but pretty mad at the world. We always got along because I can be pretty scrappy too when I want to be. He never intimidated me with his mean exterior.

In those days they never went anywhere together. He worked and then stood by the truck most nights. I remember for years she cooked him something and left it on the stove and we went to dinner.

With what she learned in the program she started creating a life of joy for herself. She started traveling the world with friends and let him stay where he was for as long as he wanted to be there.

A few years ago something changed. He stopped drinking and started attending mass each week. Six months ago he started a diet and has lost nearly 100 lbs. This week they joined a gym together.

Last night we all went to dinner together. He talked about love and forgiveness and letting go of past resentments. Living in the moment.

Just writing this has brought tears to my eyes. It is a miracle and one that is a mystery to me and her. When he left the table she said that she has no idea what woke him up. She said it certainly wasn't anything she did. She just lived her life and let him live his. Maybe it was something she did. She let him live his own life.

So miracles do happen. People can get sober without us Al-anons pushing them along. Everyone has to find their own way. It is hard when you love someone to just sit and watch while they destroy themselves. This is why the program works. It says you have to take care of yourself and let the other person do the same.

We want to help someone be somewhere before they are ready. I think when you push people they push back. I know I do. The child in me says I don't want to do it if you want me to. I want it to be my idea not yours.

Just sitting across from him last night I thought wow is this really happening? I am still amazed that even when we give up, God's grace is endless.