It seems about every ten years I experience a life transformation. Changing careers beginning new relationships moving away from the familiar towards the unfamiliar. I wish I could say that all those transformations were by choice but being the person I am I really never saw any of them coming.
I spent my first 30 years trying to control every inch of my life and anyone in it. Living with alcoholism taught me a real lesson that nothing and no one could be controlled not even myself. The next ten years I did the opposite and controlled nothing and took the path of least resistance. For the most part I stopped pushing other people and let life just unfold.
I can't say it worked out any better but it was definitely a lot less work for me. I really didn't want to be responsible for the choices of others or myself for that matter. I didn't want to take the blame for anything like I did when I lived with alcoholism.
With failure of either method I have been stuck for the last ten years. My bout with menopause and depression and getting left behind again made me scared to move. Everything I thought I knew about myself and my life was gone. I didn't know how to move on. I have moved forward but in slow motion and in my mind heading towards nothing. The old me gone and no one to take her place.
With my friends sickness and heading into the next ten years I have decided I want to make choices intentionally. I want to shape my life and I am finally ready to move on deliberately. Not pushing and not dragging anything or anyone with me.
To match my emotional transformation I have started a transformation of my physical space. I have a beautiful home and the outside has been painted and yard has be planted. Putting on a good face for the public but inside I haven't invested much time or money. I have especially rejected the kitchen the place where I nourish myself and lately my friend. It is the original 1984 kitchen with butter colored counter tops. A sad state for sure and cooking for the past month has made me see just how sad it is.
I am doing kitchen and floors downstairs. I had the black tile removed from the foyer this week and I am replacing everything with light tile including my bedroom. I have been living on concrete in there since the flood when I moved in ten years ago. I couldn't decide what flooring and I had an old dog so carpet wasn't an option. I feel like I am seeing everything for the first time.
Since this is my business, design that is, I am not too excited. My house is already covered with dust from tile removal. But I am ready to invest in me and the future of me. I am past coping with life and can make decisions from a place of investment in life instead of apathy.
I know the future is always uncertain and no amount of wishing, praying or money will secure a bright and happy one for anyone. We can just accept that this is it and tomorrow will come and it may be bright and happy who knows. We have today and this time to do what we can to love and be loved starting with ourselves.
I am the best me I have ever been and I am excited about the day and I am ready for the next ten years. Happy New Year.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Friday, December 22, 2017
Old Friends - Let go and let God
A man I haven't seen in over thirty years came into the store yesterday. It is funny because I was third in line to take customers. When I was in my 20's I went to school to get my realtor's license and met him and his wife during the crash course study program offered. The three of us ended up working for the same real estate company.
The two of them were a lot older than me and a very driven couple with identical cars and a business plan. I became good friends with his wife and over time I realized there was something terribly wrong and she began to confide in me about the verbal and sometimes physical abuse she endured.
When he was around me he was syrupy sweet and so loving towards her to the point that it felt fake. She wanted out but with two small kids and everything tied up in the business together it would be hard. She said he had eluded to the fact that she would never get out of the marriage alive. She certainly would never see her kids again.
She believed this because he had been in the military and had top secret clearance and worked under cover for years. He was a master of disguise so this seemed plausible to me. She said at one point before the kids were born someone had broken into there house and took nothing they could see and it was only investigated by the military. Is this true? I don't know.
Her fear and worry went on for years and I could see nothing was going to change. In my youthful ignorance I confronted him a few times telling him that I knew what was going on. The weight of this relationship took a toll on me and I had my own problems with my young drinking husband at home.
When I decided to quit pretending to be a realtor and get a real job I let our relationship drift. I knew I couldn't help her and if ask to testify I could only say that in my presence he showered her with affection. I felt helpless to do anything for her and I had to move on.
One night a few years right after my husband left I was home alone and I got this picture in my mind of her and overwhelming sadness came over me. I started crying and then I started praying like I hadn't done in a long time. This went on for an hour until I felt a sort of peace.
A year later I heard from her out of the blue and she told me that he suddenly decided she could leave with the kids as long as she turned over her share of the business. She had gotten a divorce and permission to take the kid back to where her family lived in the north east. She was really happy.
She did move back here and we made plans about ten years ago to meet for lunch. She was a no show and I tried calling her and she never answered. Probably God keeping me from going places I don't need to go.
When he recognized me yesterday he couldn't get away fast enough. His business didn't really do well after they split he had some altercation at a bar that led to a lawsuit and bad publicity He looked older of course and a little shrunken. I ask about her and he said he hadn't seen her in a long time.
I felt helpless back then not being able to see an end to what seemed like an impossible situation. I left her and the friendship and it worked itself out. Lately I have felt helpless again but I know now that I can't fix someone else's problems but I can decided to do what I can and stick around.
We can turn the outcome over to a power greater than ourselves and see what happens. If at some point it becomes too much we can still decide to move away and save ourselves. The world won't come to an end and sometimes people are better off without you. Crushing to the ego but trues sometimes. Without support you have to really dig deep to solve you own stuff and grow.
At least that is my personal experience.
The two of them were a lot older than me and a very driven couple with identical cars and a business plan. I became good friends with his wife and over time I realized there was something terribly wrong and she began to confide in me about the verbal and sometimes physical abuse she endured.
When he was around me he was syrupy sweet and so loving towards her to the point that it felt fake. She wanted out but with two small kids and everything tied up in the business together it would be hard. She said he had eluded to the fact that she would never get out of the marriage alive. She certainly would never see her kids again.
She believed this because he had been in the military and had top secret clearance and worked under cover for years. He was a master of disguise so this seemed plausible to me. She said at one point before the kids were born someone had broken into there house and took nothing they could see and it was only investigated by the military. Is this true? I don't know.
Her fear and worry went on for years and I could see nothing was going to change. In my youthful ignorance I confronted him a few times telling him that I knew what was going on. The weight of this relationship took a toll on me and I had my own problems with my young drinking husband at home.
When I decided to quit pretending to be a realtor and get a real job I let our relationship drift. I knew I couldn't help her and if ask to testify I could only say that in my presence he showered her with affection. I felt helpless to do anything for her and I had to move on.
One night a few years right after my husband left I was home alone and I got this picture in my mind of her and overwhelming sadness came over me. I started crying and then I started praying like I hadn't done in a long time. This went on for an hour until I felt a sort of peace.
A year later I heard from her out of the blue and she told me that he suddenly decided she could leave with the kids as long as she turned over her share of the business. She had gotten a divorce and permission to take the kid back to where her family lived in the north east. She was really happy.
She did move back here and we made plans about ten years ago to meet for lunch. She was a no show and I tried calling her and she never answered. Probably God keeping me from going places I don't need to go.
When he recognized me yesterday he couldn't get away fast enough. His business didn't really do well after they split he had some altercation at a bar that led to a lawsuit and bad publicity He looked older of course and a little shrunken. I ask about her and he said he hadn't seen her in a long time.
I felt helpless back then not being able to see an end to what seemed like an impossible situation. I left her and the friendship and it worked itself out. Lately I have felt helpless again but I know now that I can't fix someone else's problems but I can decided to do what I can and stick around.
We can turn the outcome over to a power greater than ourselves and see what happens. If at some point it becomes too much we can still decide to move away and save ourselves. The world won't come to an end and sometimes people are better off without you. Crushing to the ego but trues sometimes. Without support you have to really dig deep to solve you own stuff and grow.
At least that is my personal experience.
Friday, December 15, 2017
He hated me - Drinking - Immaturity
I got up yesterday morning and ask God for an easy pleasant day. I think that is ironic because sometimes I don't know if I believe in the God of my childhood. For this I regularly apologize to him for my lack of commitment but I am sure being God and all he is big enough to understand where I am coming from and not be too upset.
I did have an easy day arriving at work early getting a few things done and heading to an appointment close to the ocean. It is a part of town where I had one of my first jobs at a country club. I was 18 and on my own with really no idea what my future would look like. It is also that same beach where just a few years later my then husband and I would have a huge fight that was the beginning of the end for us. It was late at night and his drinking was in full swing and he hated me.
He thought it was my fault our life was hard and I accepted that judgment. I was the keeper of all things and I was sure there was a solution to the problems we were having. Why couldn't I fix them?
Before I recognized alcoholism I blamed everything on myself. After I saw the light I blamed all my problems on alcoholism. I found out over time it was neither it is really my thinking that causes my problems. Another persons behavior is just layer of confusion on top of the real problem in me..
I have wanted so bad all my life to feel safe. Like I thought I was before my mother got sick. I thought I had lost something that could be found. When I met my husband whose mother had died when he was eleven he wanted the same thing. I filled that for him and his obsession with me made me feel like I was the center of the universe. Who doesn't want that?
Because I didn't recognize the drinking as a problem I blamed myself for not being enough. He was right "I was not fun" I became the parent, very sexy I might add and I didn't join in and party till dawn like the rest of the wives. By the time the night at the beach happened he hated me and I hated myself. I wanted to stop and look at the full moon and he wanted to get away from me as quickly as possible.
At some point I stopped blaming Alcoholism for my own suffering especially after the alcoholic was out of my life. Even now it is my own immaturity that causes most of my problems. I can admit when I met my husband it was the smothering kind of love that he offered that I became addicted to.. When the drinking got worse he withdrew that affection and I was devastated. This was my fault.
The program and my own spiritual searching and the hardest knocks possible made me finally see how immature I have been most of my life. I wanted what children want safety and love. Someone to shield me from pain and suffering. Someone to make me feel secure like I did before my mother got sick before I knew life was hard. I thought I could get that back.
I have tried everything to find the secret to security and happiness and sometimes I came real close but life is life and something happens to shattered that illusion. The 12 steps are simple because we are mostly children trying to find out way. For me they were just the beginning and at some point I needed more. I found that mostly writing and sorting things with my own higher power.
With writing about my friend's illness I have realized that I can still go back to the Steps they are just a part of me now. Wanting to be the keeper of all things and save someone is also part of me one that I have got to manage. I have do what I can without control and resentment and leave the rest to God.
I find it harder to write these days because I have gotten everything out. I am bored with my own story and I am looking to fill my time with something else. In maturity I do not desire to be the center of the universe anymore and just want to relax and have an easy day. Thanking God, if your out there, for that.
I did have an easy day arriving at work early getting a few things done and heading to an appointment close to the ocean. It is a part of town where I had one of my first jobs at a country club. I was 18 and on my own with really no idea what my future would look like. It is also that same beach where just a few years later my then husband and I would have a huge fight that was the beginning of the end for us. It was late at night and his drinking was in full swing and he hated me.
He thought it was my fault our life was hard and I accepted that judgment. I was the keeper of all things and I was sure there was a solution to the problems we were having. Why couldn't I fix them?
Before I recognized alcoholism I blamed everything on myself. After I saw the light I blamed all my problems on alcoholism. I found out over time it was neither it is really my thinking that causes my problems. Another persons behavior is just layer of confusion on top of the real problem in me..
I have wanted so bad all my life to feel safe. Like I thought I was before my mother got sick. I thought I had lost something that could be found. When I met my husband whose mother had died when he was eleven he wanted the same thing. I filled that for him and his obsession with me made me feel like I was the center of the universe. Who doesn't want that?
Because I didn't recognize the drinking as a problem I blamed myself for not being enough. He was right "I was not fun" I became the parent, very sexy I might add and I didn't join in and party till dawn like the rest of the wives. By the time the night at the beach happened he hated me and I hated myself. I wanted to stop and look at the full moon and he wanted to get away from me as quickly as possible.
At some point I stopped blaming Alcoholism for my own suffering especially after the alcoholic was out of my life. Even now it is my own immaturity that causes most of my problems. I can admit when I met my husband it was the smothering kind of love that he offered that I became addicted to.. When the drinking got worse he withdrew that affection and I was devastated. This was my fault.
The program and my own spiritual searching and the hardest knocks possible made me finally see how immature I have been most of my life. I wanted what children want safety and love. Someone to shield me from pain and suffering. Someone to make me feel secure like I did before my mother got sick before I knew life was hard. I thought I could get that back.
I have tried everything to find the secret to security and happiness and sometimes I came real close but life is life and something happens to shattered that illusion. The 12 steps are simple because we are mostly children trying to find out way. For me they were just the beginning and at some point I needed more. I found that mostly writing and sorting things with my own higher power.
With writing about my friend's illness I have realized that I can still go back to the Steps they are just a part of me now. Wanting to be the keeper of all things and save someone is also part of me one that I have got to manage. I have do what I can without control and resentment and leave the rest to God.
I find it harder to write these days because I have gotten everything out. I am bored with my own story and I am looking to fill my time with something else. In maturity I do not desire to be the center of the universe anymore and just want to relax and have an easy day. Thanking God, if your out there, for that.
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Powerlessness - Focusing on ourselves
When I first got into the program what I heard most was "focus on yourself." This wasn't what I wanted or expected to hear at that time in my life. First I came to the program to fix the alcoholic in my life and second it seemed selfish to put myself before anyone else especially him. But I was in a lot of pain and felt powerless and really didn't have any place else to go.
My friends sickness has taken me back to those feelings of powerlessness. Watching someone else struggle and say they are going to do what it takes to get better and then watching them not do it. Having their own ideas about what will fix the problem when everyone can see that there is an obvious solution. For the alcoholic stop drinking in this case eat even if you don't want to even if you feel full.
I know from my illness and depression that you can get stuck emotionally and feel like you will be sick forever. I was stuck in my thoughts and couldn't even consider that it was physical and not emotional and I could be helped. I had been through grief before and thought I would eventually get over it but it had never lasted this long before. I did eventually get over it but it has taken me almost a decade to feel like life is worth living. If I had listened to anyone but myself it wouldn't have taken me as long.
We don't get good advice from ourselves all the time. When we are in a crisis we go back to being a child and we resist what is happening to us. Our thoughts say "why me?" We look around for someone to save us or the very least feel sorry for us. Sometimes we get that but then people want to offer solutions and then this makes the child in us mad and more resistant. Obviously no one understands what I am going through and there isn't any simple solution. We just want this to stop happening to us right now.
This make those around us "the adults" weary after awhile and eventually everyone moves on. Leaving us with our childish thoughts and mostly alone. It is a process that takes as long as it takes.
No one understands this more than I do. I made it easy on everyone and divorced all of my friends at the same time. Mostly because I didn't want to be a burden and thought that at least I wouldn't have to worry about my obligations to other people. It gave me time to think my way out of it. Not!
I did have one person who stuck with me someone who started out as a casual friend whose soul purpose in life seems to be care taking. She didn't try to fix me just be there for me making me eat. She wasn't trying to change me back to the more likable person I had been before. She was just there for me until I got better and when I did she moved on to someone else.
With tragedy growth is inevitable. Grow or suffer.. We can decide to stay stuck or we can get sick and tired of being sick and tired and do something about it. Our child mind is trying to catch up and it is pissed off that once again it has to do the work. We imagine there is a point in life where things will be easy and sometimes it is but we don't appreciate it until we experience the opposite.
We can't save other people they have to save themselves. We can share our experience, strength and hope and just be there. He is a program person and just like me he has the foundation to find his way out of this. He is also like I was he has a physical component that is skewing his thought process.
It will take longer for him to come back from this without more food.
When I first came to the program I hated the idea that I was powerless over my husbands drinking and that I needed to focus on my own recovery. Seriously there was nothing wrong with me if only he would do what he was suppose to do we would both be happy. I can say that about my friend and his fear of food but it isn't true. He will get through it and in the mean time I have to focus on my own recovery.
We can't help the people closest to us we are perceived as parents and rejected. I will do my part and offer food and know that it will all work out eventually. Hopefully it won't take a decade like it did for me.
My friends sickness has taken me back to those feelings of powerlessness. Watching someone else struggle and say they are going to do what it takes to get better and then watching them not do it. Having their own ideas about what will fix the problem when everyone can see that there is an obvious solution. For the alcoholic stop drinking in this case eat even if you don't want to even if you feel full.
I know from my illness and depression that you can get stuck emotionally and feel like you will be sick forever. I was stuck in my thoughts and couldn't even consider that it was physical and not emotional and I could be helped. I had been through grief before and thought I would eventually get over it but it had never lasted this long before. I did eventually get over it but it has taken me almost a decade to feel like life is worth living. If I had listened to anyone but myself it wouldn't have taken me as long.
We don't get good advice from ourselves all the time. When we are in a crisis we go back to being a child and we resist what is happening to us. Our thoughts say "why me?" We look around for someone to save us or the very least feel sorry for us. Sometimes we get that but then people want to offer solutions and then this makes the child in us mad and more resistant. Obviously no one understands what I am going through and there isn't any simple solution. We just want this to stop happening to us right now.
This make those around us "the adults" weary after awhile and eventually everyone moves on. Leaving us with our childish thoughts and mostly alone. It is a process that takes as long as it takes.
No one understands this more than I do. I made it easy on everyone and divorced all of my friends at the same time. Mostly because I didn't want to be a burden and thought that at least I wouldn't have to worry about my obligations to other people. It gave me time to think my way out of it. Not!
I did have one person who stuck with me someone who started out as a casual friend whose soul purpose in life seems to be care taking. She didn't try to fix me just be there for me making me eat. She wasn't trying to change me back to the more likable person I had been before. She was just there for me until I got better and when I did she moved on to someone else.
With tragedy growth is inevitable. Grow or suffer.. We can decide to stay stuck or we can get sick and tired of being sick and tired and do something about it. Our child mind is trying to catch up and it is pissed off that once again it has to do the work. We imagine there is a point in life where things will be easy and sometimes it is but we don't appreciate it until we experience the opposite.
We can't save other people they have to save themselves. We can share our experience, strength and hope and just be there. He is a program person and just like me he has the foundation to find his way out of this. He is also like I was he has a physical component that is skewing his thought process.
It will take longer for him to come back from this without more food.
When I first came to the program I hated the idea that I was powerless over my husbands drinking and that I needed to focus on my own recovery. Seriously there was nothing wrong with me if only he would do what he was suppose to do we would both be happy. I can say that about my friend and his fear of food but it isn't true. He will get through it and in the mean time I have to focus on my own recovery.
We can't help the people closest to us we are perceived as parents and rejected. I will do my part and offer food and know that it will all work out eventually. Hopefully it won't take a decade like it did for me.
Sunday, December 3, 2017
12 steps - Sickness - Resentments
How does the program work? I am questioning this today because I am feeling powerless over my friend and his very slow recovery. I feel guilty because I can't swoop in and save him and even more guilty that I really don't want to be his savior or any ones savior anymore.
The program is about deciding first that you have a problem and your powerless over it - then believing that some where out there or in here is a power greater than ourselves can fix this and turning it over to that power - Here is the tricky part deciding what is our part in the situation - then admitting it to ourselves and then someone else - then rolling around in it for awhile just getting use to the idea that we have a problem and we really do want to do something about it - after we are willing to give up get past the resistance and denial finally asking for the problem to be taken from us - deciding who we have hurt in the process and then going to them and asking for forgiveness - being mature and staying current with our daily wrongs being honest with ourselves and others when we slip up - asking for guidance everyday and actually listening for an answer - living life being the best we can be and hoping that by doing so will inspire others to do the same.
How is that for my version of the 12 steps? I feel powerless for sure in this situation and I know the program tells us that the ones closest to us are the least likely to help us when we are lost. This is why our best friend can say something a million times and we never hear it and then a stranger comes along and says the same thing and we think they are brilliant. We reject the truth from the people that love us because we don't want them to be right.
Being sick is hard and brings out the worst in us and we want to be rescued. We want some adult to come along and feed us and tuck us in and give us permission to watch cartoons all day. Make our favorite foods and be the center of attention for as long as possible. This works when we have a cold and we are ten and we recover quickly and go back to school in a few days.
It isn't the same when we are adults first we don't have our moms with us and our friends have lives of there own. If we don't have a significant other and even if we do we have to find a way to love and take care of ourselves the way we would take care of our own child. It is a test of sorts " do I love myself enough to do what it takes to get better?"
I understand this because just like my friend I was alone without children and my extended family was indifferent to me when I got sick. I was the doer in my peer group and I thought in a crisis they would be there for me but my sickness went on too long and my neediness made everyone run from me just like I am running from my friend. He was the first to jump ship at that time and this is one of the reasons I don't feel obligated to become his full time caretaker. I know this is petty and I am wrestling with my feelings and resisting being the adult at this time..
We are alone in this world no one up there in our heads but us even though sometimes there is a whole committee just making things more complicated. We have to use what we have learned to dig deep to find the courage to love ourselves through it all even if we don't feel like the people around us love or care for us. We are certainly worthy of our own love and God's love our existence proves this.
My own recovery took a long time because I based my worth on what other people thought about me. The love of my life (I thought at the time) had rejected me, the recession made me a failure at work and my friends abandoned me when I stopped being the person they wanted me to be. Based on these facts I was unlovable and unworthy of being alive. In my mind I added no value being here.
I found grace and over time I started to love myself enough to take care of myself. The grace came in the form of clarity. Seeing that my own thoughts made me hate myself thinking that I was not lovable and I had the evidence to prove it. No one was there. The truth I was there just like I had been since the beginning. The higher me waiting for the little me to give up and let go and start again.
My friends lack of interest in his own recovery is a sign that there is a deeper problem. It is also a physical problem caused by his brain starving for nutrition. I doesn't want eat enough to put on weight and has a very limited number of foods he is even willing to try. Reluctantly I am the adult in the room at this time. Maybe.
The program is about deciding first that you have a problem and your powerless over it - then believing that some where out there or in here is a power greater than ourselves can fix this and turning it over to that power - Here is the tricky part deciding what is our part in the situation - then admitting it to ourselves and then someone else - then rolling around in it for awhile just getting use to the idea that we have a problem and we really do want to do something about it - after we are willing to give up get past the resistance and denial finally asking for the problem to be taken from us - deciding who we have hurt in the process and then going to them and asking for forgiveness - being mature and staying current with our daily wrongs being honest with ourselves and others when we slip up - asking for guidance everyday and actually listening for an answer - living life being the best we can be and hoping that by doing so will inspire others to do the same.
How is that for my version of the 12 steps? I feel powerless for sure in this situation and I know the program tells us that the ones closest to us are the least likely to help us when we are lost. This is why our best friend can say something a million times and we never hear it and then a stranger comes along and says the same thing and we think they are brilliant. We reject the truth from the people that love us because we don't want them to be right.
Being sick is hard and brings out the worst in us and we want to be rescued. We want some adult to come along and feed us and tuck us in and give us permission to watch cartoons all day. Make our favorite foods and be the center of attention for as long as possible. This works when we have a cold and we are ten and we recover quickly and go back to school in a few days.
It isn't the same when we are adults first we don't have our moms with us and our friends have lives of there own. If we don't have a significant other and even if we do we have to find a way to love and take care of ourselves the way we would take care of our own child. It is a test of sorts " do I love myself enough to do what it takes to get better?"
I understand this because just like my friend I was alone without children and my extended family was indifferent to me when I got sick. I was the doer in my peer group and I thought in a crisis they would be there for me but my sickness went on too long and my neediness made everyone run from me just like I am running from my friend. He was the first to jump ship at that time and this is one of the reasons I don't feel obligated to become his full time caretaker. I know this is petty and I am wrestling with my feelings and resisting being the adult at this time..
We are alone in this world no one up there in our heads but us even though sometimes there is a whole committee just making things more complicated. We have to use what we have learned to dig deep to find the courage to love ourselves through it all even if we don't feel like the people around us love or care for us. We are certainly worthy of our own love and God's love our existence proves this.
My own recovery took a long time because I based my worth on what other people thought about me. The love of my life (I thought at the time) had rejected me, the recession made me a failure at work and my friends abandoned me when I stopped being the person they wanted me to be. Based on these facts I was unlovable and unworthy of being alive. In my mind I added no value being here.
I found grace and over time I started to love myself enough to take care of myself. The grace came in the form of clarity. Seeing that my own thoughts made me hate myself thinking that I was not lovable and I had the evidence to prove it. No one was there. The truth I was there just like I had been since the beginning. The higher me waiting for the little me to give up and let go and start again.
My friends lack of interest in his own recovery is a sign that there is a deeper problem. It is also a physical problem caused by his brain starving for nutrition. I doesn't want eat enough to put on weight and has a very limited number of foods he is even willing to try. Reluctantly I am the adult in the room at this time. Maybe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)