I and in the middle of the my home transformation and the internal transformation that goes with it. I have always believed that your space reflects your emotional interior.
When I moved here I rejected this house because I could not accept that my life would no longer be the same. I had to do my bathroom because there was a leak and tiles were failing off the walls and it turned out nice but my heart wasn't in it. The person who cared about design was gone by that point and I assumed would never return. Some days the contractor would show up and I would still be in the bed. They worked around me. I dark moment for sure.
I lost myself. Everything that I thought of as "me" had vanished. I had to function so I just did what I thought people expected me to do every day. When you are sad and lost just remember most people can't see that from the outside. We are all too wrapped up in our own inner drama to notice another person's suffering. A few people close to me knew I was not the same and fled the scene. I really didn't mind it gave me the opportunity to go deeper and darker without anyone interfering.
Over the past four years I have just really coasting not really having any goals or even wants. Just working and filling each day. I have had little spurts of ambition for my house like painting over the great room with bright white. I had selected beige when I moved in because it was what I had in the other house and reflected my mood. It was builders beige. The white represented endless possibilities. It did make me feel better.
Now I am on the move with redoing the floors. It was a very hard decision to do tile. The foyer, half bath, kitchen, laundry and my bedroom are all on the same level. My bedroom had painted brown concrete floors after a flood during the bathroom remodel. My dog was old and sick at the time so I didn't want to re-carpet. The foyer was black fake marble tiles from the 80's and the laundry and half bath was flesh color tile with 1/4 grout lines. The kitchen a gold beehive patterned vinyl. The rest of main floor steps down to parkett wood so choosing wood could not work. I knew tile would be the answer even though it is cold for the bedroom granted not much colder than concrete.
I knew this was going to be a big project moving everything off the floor. Also managing the timing with the kitchen. I was going to leave the laundry but the tile person said no big deal to move the washer and dryer. I picked a tile the color of light concrete (funny) with some sparkles in it. My house is loft like and has dark trim. I know the trend is white and gray all day every day but I like color so this is my compromise. White walls in the great room and gray floors. I have a midnight blue accent wall in the great room and teal and taupe in my bedroom. The new tile looks great.
They grouted my bedroom yesterday and will finish everything tomorrow except for the kitchen.
The installer wants to wait until the cabinets are out to tile that room so I have concrete floors there. I I still haven't ordered the cabinets. I am waffling about removing a small pantry and stealing closet from my office to make the kitchen more functional. Do I care that much? It is just me and it will add cost. Am I not willing to invest in myself to make it better.
My indecision is emotional at this time it isn't about time or money even though I am an extremely frugal person. I think it is more about whether I want invest in my future and believe that I am worth it. It is always easier to keep things the same because change is growth. It is scary and takes energy to make a move forward. With the kitchen it means I am moving on past this stage of my life. I feel secure enough to invest in my future and in a room that where I prepare my daily bread. So to speak.
I can sometimes have conflict from within about design in general. You definitely have to find happiness from within first. The industry I work in can feel very superficial with everyone saying your house must look like this to be happy. Design can't fill the hole inside that is from feeling not good enough for yourself or the people in your life but it can make you feel better or worse on your journy to self acceptance and inner peace.
I wrote this post today to sort out my indecision about the changes in the kitchen and whether my fear of the future is keeping me from moving forward. What is it that I really need verses what I want or what will add value to each day for me. I am going to take out those closets and get those cabinets ordered this week. It is time to acknowledge that I really have already moved on and I want my space to reflect the new me.
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