Saying goodbye - Permission to go

A friend of mine just called to let me know her mother passed away yesterday after a long struggle with some form of dementia not diagnosed as Alzheimer's.  She has been in a group home for over a year after keeping at home became impossible. My friend had to fight her brothers over the idea of strangers taking care of their mother.  Her and her sister were the ones seeing her every day and the fact that she was not eating and becoming less and less lucid.

The past few months they have felt the end was near and had been making burial arrangements. My friend celebrated her own birthday a few weeks ago and they decided to have the kids  meet and celebrate at the facility.  We had talked about this a few months back after her mother was asking about her brother. Until then he hadn't wanted to visit her there. We thought maybe she needed closure before moving on. She had a good day that day and did recognized everyone.

It did remind me of when my aunt died.  She was sick with a lot of different things including dementia.  She spent the last few years of her life in her living room first in a chair and then the last few months in a hospital bed set up there.  She was the oldest of nine kids and the last one to pass.  She wasn't a nice person and damaged just about anyone that came close her except me. In the end it was just myself and her caregiver. 

I think she found peace before she passed and during our last visit she said she was seeing Jesus and the other passed relatives like her sister's ex husband who had been gone since the late 70's. 

Her caregiver was her favorite person then me.  I think I knew too much about the pain she had caused so many people.  When the caregiver called and said she was in a lot of pain and she couldn't understand why she wasn't letting go we discussed what the secret hospice pamphlet said about closure in the end.  How the dying want to say goodbye.  They want to make things right and they won't go until they feel everyone is okay with it.

 At the end of the conversation it dawned on me that it was the caregiver she was hanging on for. At the time the caregiver was in her early 50's and her own husband had passed suddenly of a heart attack.  She was in grief when she took the job with my aunt it was her whole life.  She stayed 24/7 the last few weeks and I was glad she wanted to do it.  I said to her on the phone "she is waiting for you to give her permission to go" she thought that was nuts.  She said "I told her she could go that I would be alright"  I said "but you have got to mean it."

We hung up and I got in my car to go over there and she called.  She is gone she said.  She told me she went in there and said "I will be alright if you go I promise."  I was shocked at the news.  I had no idea she was going to do it right then. 

Having dealt with the deaf of my mother at 11 it is not so scary to me.  I do believe there is more than just this life at least for our spirit.  I am not sure about streets of gold but some place that is easier than this life sometimes turns out to be.  No one but me and the caregiver came to my aunts funeral. It seemed appropriate since we were the people that took care her in the end.

When I got the call today I could hear the sadness and relief in my friends voice.  She has been grieving her mother's death for years but there will be more. It seems that grief is never quite finished with you.  At least her mother will have a large family with great great grandchildren celebrating her life. She was loved and will be missed.