It has been a good week. I finished staining my 50 - ten foot boards for my ceiling and the guy came and installed everything in two days. The transformation was like a miracle in the construction world. He is going to paint the room next week and help me with my kitchen remodel.
I feel free right now like haven't felt before taking time to take care of my own life. This won't last but with the holiday weekend everyone is focused on family and friends and not on renovations. They closed the showroom early yesterday because it was so dead. Our team was off so it really didn't matter that much to me.
I worked around the house yesterday weeding my flower beds and power washing my deck. Both long over due because of my focus on the fifty boards. As a part of managing my ADD and OCD when I commit to something I put blinders on to anything and everything else. This works but when you come up for air after the main task is completed then you have to address the fall out.
I have accepted that this is the way I operate. I am not a clean as you go person not because it isn't a great idea but because once I start cleaning I lose myself in that task instead of the main event. When I was younger I chose not to start anything because I knew if I could focus on it 100% for as long as I wanted to make it perfect then I would rather not start it at all.
I lived my life paralyzed by all that needed to be done and my lack of ability to do it all perfectly. I never met my own standard of perfection. I learned to let go mainly because I was miserable all the time. I couldn't be perfect and no one around me met my perfection standards either. I didn't accept help from others because they didn't do it with the same precision I did. A no win situation.
This last part is really mental or chemical I think. I think some of us have the predisposition to perfection magnified by events in our lives that push us into a desperate need to control. I remember sitting inside a base kitchen cabinet lining up my mother's can goods in neat rows tallest to shortest. Grouping like items together and the frustration of some odd item not fitting the standard. I still do this every once in a while even though I can't fit inside a cabinet.
This was before my mother died when life was good. The process soothed me then and still does. There is an order to everything but nothing ever stays in order life is messy people die people leave so many things are out of control. When my mother died I went into my childish room and threw everything away. It had been creative chaos up until that point but I needed control so it all had to go.
Every part of my life right now is creative chaos. I have accepted that this is a natural state of life. I have my blinders on and can be okay with the mess. I also know that I will enjoy the process of organizing it all in the end when I am ready. I don't devote hours beating myself up for not being neat and instead look forward to putting it all back together. I love a good before and after - who doesn't.
My mind use to be in chaos and my space was neat but now the opposite is true and I can be content where ever I am in the process. The process part is real living and being engaged in doing instead of thinking that the destination will make me happy. I finally get that after a lifetime. The satisfaction of completion is fleeting but the planning and process can go on for as long as you want. Savoring every minute until it stops being fun.
I have to admit sanding, staining and top coating stopped being fun after the second full day and I had to think about the destination to keep working. Once I am committed I have to finish or at least this is the way I see myself as a finisher. Although I didn't think my staining job was good enough while I was doing it, of course, it turned out beautiful and I am thrilled.
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