Goals - Milestones - Hacking the brain

I have felt flat for a few weeks my interest in anything had vanished.  This scares me because I felt like this a long time when I was depressed.  I would live each day just doing a mundane list of things that were required to stay alive. Luckily it lifted Tuesday just as quickly as it appeared. What a relief to be engaged again getting things done. 

I could blame it on the over the counter hormone creams suggested by my doctor or it could be the emotions of the world at this point.  I am super busy at work and spent yesterday just trying to feel human again.  I didn't give myself the usual list of things to do and just spent the day cleaning and doing laundry.  I did make a small book shelf for the art books I moved up stairs. I needed to put them on a shelf so I took an old drawer head and cut the ends off and skewed them vertically onto the center piece. A u shaped shelf that keeps the books from falling over. It was the exact size to fit the books I have. 

I recently listened to the science of how our brain chemicals are set up to release feel good hormones in increments as we move towards our goals.  Their example was if we found a honey comb in the top of a tree we were flooded with desire to reach to top of that tree for our reward. Once we got the prize that same chemical would disappear totally and we needed another prize to activate that feel good feeling again. 

This is why the planning process of getting somewhere or actually doing something gives us such a thrill while the actually trip or project isn't as exciting as we imagined it would be.The chemistry in the mind is only needs the idea of something to give us a quick charge.  I guess this is how video games work or even searching on our phones simulates the hunt. 

The important thing is that the big goal has to be achievable in increments so that we can get to a place of small success. If the goal is not reasonable and seems so far out there that it will never happen then it won't work.  I guess I would call that milestones in the process.

It is funny to me that this is how I have always tricked myself into doing the next step towards getting something done. Convincing myself that it was just this small thing that needed doing today and not to worry about how big the project is. In the program we would say "you can eat an elephant one bite at a time". 

In the old days I would get paralyzed by the size of a goal and if I didn't think I could get it done perfectly all at one time I would just not do it. Now I realize that it was my desire for perfection that keep me from even trying. Now I know that the planning is part of the joy I feel and I should enjoy the process instead of the result.  When the project is finished I will just have to make new plans and start all over with another project.

I guess that is why I do have the perfect job for me. I can do all the planning and turn it over to others to make it come to life while I am planning something else and activating those feel good feeling. The lesson is to make big goals but not too big and have milestones along the way to celebrate. I think this is especially important right now with so much time alone with ourselves.

 

Creative Chaos - The destination will only make me happy for a moment

It has been a good week.  I finished staining my 50 - ten foot boards for my ceiling and the guy came and installed everything in two days.  The transformation was like a miracle in the construction world.  He is going to paint the room next week and help me with my kitchen remodel.

I feel free right now like haven't felt before taking time to take care of my own life. This won't last but with the holiday weekend everyone is focused on family and friends and not on renovations. They closed the showroom early yesterday because it was so dead.  Our team was off so it really didn't matter that much to me.

I worked around the house yesterday weeding my flower beds and power washing my deck.  Both long over due because of my focus on the fifty boards.  As a part of managing my ADD and OCD when I commit to something I put blinders on to anything and everything else.  This works but when you come up for air after the main task is completed then you have to address  the fall out.

I have accepted that this is the way I operate.  I am not a clean as you go person not because it isn't a great idea but because once I start cleaning I lose myself in that task instead of the main event.  When I was younger I chose not to start anything because I knew if I could focus on it 100% for as long as I wanted to make it perfect then I would rather not start it at all.

I lived my life paralyzed by all that needed to be done and my lack of ability to do it all perfectly. I never met my own standard of perfection. I learned to let go mainly because I was miserable all the time.  I couldn't be perfect and no one around me met my perfection standards either. I didn't accept help from others because they didn't do it with the same precision I did. A no win situation.

This last part is really mental or chemical I think.  I think some of us have the predisposition to perfection magnified by events in our lives that push us into a desperate need to control. I remember sitting inside a base kitchen cabinet lining up my mother's can goods in neat rows tallest to shortest.  Grouping like items together and the frustration of some odd item not fitting the standard.   I still do this every once in a while even though I can't fit inside a cabinet.

This was before my mother died when life was good.  The process soothed me then and still does. There is an order to everything but nothing ever stays in order life is messy people die people leave so many things are out of control. When my mother died I went into my childish room and threw everything away.  It had been creative chaos up until that point but I needed control so it all had to go.

Every part of my life right now is creative chaos. I have accepted that this is a natural state of life.  I have my blinders on and can be okay with the mess.  I also know that I will enjoy the process of organizing it all in the end when I am ready. I don't devote hours beating myself up for not being neat and instead look forward to putting it all back together. I love a good before and after - who doesn't.

My mind use to be in chaos and my space was neat but now the opposite is true and I can be content where ever I am in the process.  The process part is real living and being engaged in doing instead of thinking that the destination will make me happy. I finally get that after a lifetime. The satisfaction of completion is fleeting but the planning and process can go on for as long as you want. Savoring every minute until it stops being fun.

I have to admit sanding, staining and top coating stopped being fun after the second full day and I had to think about the destination to keep working. Once I am committed I have to finish or at least this is the way I see myself as a finisher.  Although I didn't think my staining job was good enough while I was doing it, of course, it turned out beautiful and I am thrilled. 

Sisters - Love and Hate

I spoke to my sister yesterday giving her the belated birthday wish. I thought about it once on Friday and opted to call her when I got to work which was a mistake. Neither of us keep up with those kind of things and rely on non family to celebrate or existence. I use to really want that to change but wanting it and having it are two different things. We both have created different live for ourselves and we both have seemed to accept this.

We are four years apart and during our childhood I was basically a boil on her butt. She was my idol for a long time until I realized she hated me. Maybe hate is a strong word but I don't think it was far off. I ruined her only child life. She was on her way to being a prodigy when I her younger brother showed up. I was suppose to be a boy and got that message pretty early.

The truth was it wasn't far off I hated most girl things while my sister represented all things perfectly precious in our family. She never got dirty and practiced the piano two or more hours each day. She had straight A's all the way through law school. Her only soiled grade was PE in high school and she cried. The number of books she brought home each day equaled the number I checked out from the library for summer reading.

She did a lot things to hurt me when my mother was alive. She told lies about me that got me punished. Once she threw away a small wooden guitar that she made during Vacation Bible School and I retrieved it from the trash. She told my mother I stole it from her room.  I got a whippin for that and obviously I never forgot it.

Being the first born she never had it easy. The piano practicing stemmed from my mother's desire to be a concert pianist. The grades really were just expected and part of the complete package. In her room everything had a specific place and her drawers were labeled. She kept it locked most of the time and she had to use a Bobbie pen to enter each time. This starter after the guitar incident or did I have my own Bobbie pin?

I had groovy beads in my doorway and had convinced my dad to remove my door completely. I think my mother was good with this because she had my sister to beam over. I of course wasn't that into approval mostly because I could never live up to the perfection of my sister. My room was pack to the rafters andmy walls were covered with black light posters. I regular rearranged my five pieces of furniture because I was bored with things always being the same. I did that last weekend.

I would like to say that after my mother died my sister and I grew close but the intensity grew worse hitting a high or low point depending upon your perspective when she was throwing my things down the basement stairs and I said "one more thing goes down those stairs and you will follow."

That was the turning point for us and she stopped trying to pull rank on me. I was young and never understood why she hated me so much. After moms death there was just the three of us and my dad was checked out with grief. He wasn't paying the bills. She assumed head of household and her desire for control escalated to a point that called for war.

We did join together once briefly when my stepmother started her own special ops campaign which made Cinderella's stepmother seem compassionate. That was her last summer home and we have never been close since.

It hasn't been easy for her and after my mothers death she had a breakdown of sorts herself. She lost the desire to be perfect without my mothers expectations. She really went the opposite. I once tried to get in her car and couldn't find the seat. I ended up just sitting on the trash and papers. She doesn't iron and puts her makeup on without a mirror.

Loss changed us all. I remember going into my childhood room one day and raking everything into the trash. The person I had been was gone at ten I was all grown up and needed a change.

I love my sister and she loves me. We have both found our own successes in life and a place in the middle of extremes. She accepts me and my liberal spiritual beliefs and I accept her need to keep me at a distance. She has a lot of fear about the future and is concerned that something terrible is going to happen. She is right but that is true whether we worry or not.

I can see now that she has had her own suffering the same as me.  I couldn't really have compassion for anyone while I was lost in my own hurt. A child's hurt. It is clear to me now and I am seeing the truth of my life for the first time. I have been lost but now I am found.

I was wrong - Again - Making amends

It is interesting to me how my recent awakening has caused me to see just how wrong I have been about everything, really everything.

We have a contractor that we have worked with for years. He is a hardworking honest guy and over the years we have helped him build his business. In fact his core business is based on people we have introduced him to and he rents from one of my customers.

It always bothered me that once I introduced him to my customer they turned to him from that point on. They refer him and not me. He in turn tries to direct the business back to us when it has to do with kitchens and baths.

He came by last night to discuss a job and I realized for the first time how hard he works to do what is right for the customer. Just like me. He also is a good business person and tries to squeak out every bit of business out of his customers. Just like me. He does what ever it takes to get the job done and make the customer happy. Just like me.

What I realized now that I am awake is once again it isn't personal. He spends way more time with the customer because he is living with them during construction and helping them through the day to day process. I can't do that and truthfully when he is on the job we know the customer will happy so less effort is spent to stay connected.

Last night I made an amends. It wasn't a specific amends more like a blanket amends. I just said I was sorry for anything I might have done over these past years that might have hurt him. I told him I haven't been myself in a long time and I was sorry. He graciously accepted my apology.

We are alike in many ways, both perfectionist and just can't let things go.

My level of respect for him has gone up. He of course has not changed it is me who has changed. I am sure there is more amends to come and maybe a better working relationship.