I had my house re plumbed on short notice this past week. It was one of those decision where I could wait for some point in the future when the slab started leaking or do it now while the house is a mess already. I decided to just do it while the plumber had an opening.
It has been a week of chaos with all the trades in and out of the house. It is noisy and dirty but everyone did a great job. The first day with the plumbers the guy was yelling up to the other guy in the attic in this really angry voice. He sounded so annoyed and really treated the other guy like he was and idiot. The guy in the 100+ degree attic was very pleasant and would answer back as if no that was the norm. They have worked together a long time and this was normal.
On Saturday our electrician was here and he ask me who the plumbing company sent. I could remember their names an angry guy and a tall thin guy. He said "oh the angry guy is ____ and the other guy is _________."
I have always been a people observer and wondered why others act the way they do. One time, when I was a kid, after a particular holy rolling pentecostal service I ask my mother why one of the women in the church was faking pretending to be touched by the spirit. She looked at my father and they waited a few minutes and then said "only God knows if she is pretending." I thought "it is pretty obvious so I guess just God and me." This began a lifetime of me saying the wrong things to other people.
After my stepmother came on the scene I did learn to say nothing most of the time. When I married the alcoholic keeping quiet seemed safer most of the time. I did once confront my ex's sister a particularly angry person and ask her "why are you so angry?" She was like the plumber - no matter what the words were coming out of her mouth there was anger underneath.
She had a lovely angry come back for me which I don't remember now. I knew it was about her own father I totally understood that I had been there myself. I just said "it doesn't hurt the person that you are angry at just you and your own family. He is winning." Her kids were small then and over time she softened and with every visit she seemed happier. I would like to think I got through a little bit. My ex was furious with me and said it was none of my business but I wanted to save her from the years of unhappiness that I had experienced.
I internalize my own anger and it surfaces as sadness and depression. Mostly because I am a controller and feel that I should have done something differently so the outcome in really my fault. Instead of just saying the other person hurt me and let the anger out. I try to justify the reasons for their actions and be understanding about where they are coming from. This is really putting myself last again. I feel trapped in this cycle sometimes because it makes me powerless to get past the pain.
I have endured a lot of crappy behavior from other people in my life. I have mostly believed that somehow I deserved it that something about me isn't worthy of love and respect. When I am low this is what I think about. In the end I know that I have to be loving to myself and not tie my worth to my past experiences. Thinking "I am not enough" or "I wasn't enough for ________" keeps me from feeling joy about today.
I do believe that this deeply embedded insecurity has to do with the loss of my mother. It imprinted on me that I have to be self sufficient and not trust another person to be there for me. It is from when my mother got sick and I had to fend for myself. I am comfortable on my own and when I have trusted other people they have ultimately rejected me.
Most of time I can accept where I am and do find happiness every day but when I am down and feel lonely these are the thoughts that cause my unhappiness. I tell myself I can change these beliefs that I have about myself but some days it is just where I am.
As far as angry people I doubt they know that other people see them as angry. We never know how other people perseive us. We have the story we tell ourselves about ourselves and unless someone says something to us to make us question our thoughts then it is a lifetime of suffering. I have been a hurt child on my own most of my life with only myself for feedback. Isn't that crazy.
No comments:
Post a Comment