We are heading for the home stretch with the remodel. Everything in my house is covered with a fine layer of drywall. I have decided to just wait and not try to clean until literally the dust settles. My last remodel at my other house I was in my thirties and had specific ideas about how everything should be done and how long it should take. I cleaned everyday only to find the dust there the next morning. I was a perfectionist and this set me up for a lot of disappointments and drove the people around me nuts.
This time lets say I am "more seasoned". Back then I had lost my corporate job and gone back to school. In my mind I was being supported by someone else and was trying to find my identity while earning my keep. This was pressure I was putting on myself to prove I was valuable for all that I brought to the table.
The thing I have learned is that even if you bring nothing to the table you are still valuable. You may not meet your own expectations or be popular with the people around you but you are still a human being and here on the planet and are valuable.
It is true that if you do more and be more you will have more friends and you will have a higher opinion of yourself but in the end this is just the ego getting fed. It sometimes leads us to look at other people as less valuable than ourselves or the groups that we belong to. We are special and they are not we are right and they are wrong.
It is a real trap. I think we do this so we feel safe and belong. If we do the right things with the right people then we are somehow insulated from the bad things or people out there that can hurt us. Even the idea of the after life is a safety net in case we lose someone we love or something goes wrong we can know that it will all work out in the end. I don't think we could survive without these ideas.
For myself I am focusing on today and the people that are a part of my life today this moment. The grand scheme in our heads is really just a distraction. My mind loves this kind of entertainment. The planning and scheming of my pretend future. I will have a future but it probably won't match the one in my head exactly. I have to ask myself "what am I missing today by making those plans?"
You can make plans but it is the actual act of making those plans that is enjoyable and not depending on the outcome to make you happy. Putting my happiness in the hands of a specific outcome can set me up for serious pain, Life doesn't have a plan just us. Be happy today and don't look to some future day to be happy.
I knew this remodel would not make me happy. Yes even when it is done I will love it but then my mind will be on to something else. I have enjoyed the planning and meeting the different workers coming in the house but when the dust settles I will be left with myself and what is next.
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