Saying goodbye to the past is a life long endeavor or at least it has been for me. I am cleaning up my office soon to be creative space and found a framed copy of "The Promises" It is the Al anon version.
Number two says "We will not regret the past nor shut the door on it."
While cleaning I also found my copy of "The Power of Now". This is one of my all time favorite books. It showed me how much time I was spending getting lost in trying to solve my past. I just wanted to understand my part in what happened to me. I have lived most of my life staying busy all the time thinking these millions of thoughts about what I could have done differently to change what happen.
I always believed that because I was left there was something wrong with me to the core. Even recently I have accepted that I am the way I am and if this isn't lovable then so be it.
I have been loved by many people mostly people that have been deeply hurt themselves. I think I represent a safe place to land. Isn't that what we are all looking for? Once they feel better and gain some confidence they move on. I think this means my part in their lives are over and it is time we both move on.
I was watching "The Jane Austin Book Club" last night and they were talking about the writing love letters and how the written word can have a profound impact. I thought nobody does that today. What a fantasy well today I found about 20 pages of love letters from my high school boyfriend. I had forgotten about the letters. We went to different schools and worked together at a fast food restaurant at night. He wrote these letters everyday and brought them to me at work.
It was by far the most romantic relationship I have ever had. He actually wrote in one that he knew only girls wrote letters like this but as long as I didn't tell anyone about them it was okay. His dad didn't want us together he knew we were too serious and he wanted him to go to his college and join his fraternity sow those wild oats. My dad didn't like it because they were Episcopal a far cry from pentecostal.
He ended up breaking up with me because my parents wouldn't let me stay out past 11 on prom night. I begged my dad to change the rules for this one occasion but her wouldn't. This had his dad written all over it. I was completely devastated and we still had to work together. Ironically I had moved out by the time prom came around and I stayed out all night whenever I wanted.
Jim went on to marry that same girl. So dad's plans didn't work. She went to my same elementary school and I have a picture of the whole six grade class with her in it. That is also ironic. Any way I covered my pain well and the first time we worked together I made sure he knew I had a date for that night. He actually got so mad he hit me. Not hard but this gave me a good indication of what the future my hold. I laughed out loud when it happened I wanted to make sure he thought it didn't bother me.
I believe life is just life now. People come and go based on their own needs. We really don't have any control over what other people are doing. I think if your heart it right and you have spiritual guidance then it can work out. I do think you must always see your part in every situation but sometimes you just have to let go and accept that control of anything and anybody is an illusion and move on.
Not regretting the past can sometimes seem impossible. I can make the past my own fantasy version reading love letters and thinking things might have turned out better than they would have. Then I have to remember that he hit me. The only person ever in my life, besides childhood spankings, that ever hit me.
From time to time I still have regrets about the past and feel each time I should have known better. I always took people at face value living every day in the moment until the bad things snuck up on me. I still think that is better than constantly preparing for disaster and not trusting anyone. Neither one keeps you getting hurt.
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