I was looking for a small notebook to put by my bed for note taking. What I found one with some writing I did a long time ago when I was actually on the beach. I was writing about being stuck. A theme I feel that has always been a part of my life but there was some excitement in it about The Course in Miracles. I have moved on from that realizing that it was just another way of me not accepting what is and hoping these words dictated by (?) to a PHD and written down to share with the general public would be the truth and answers I was looking for.
I loved the words they formed sentences that were so complicated - almost like a PHD wrote them - that my mind would leap for joy just trying to wrap my head around them. My mind is always looking for a puzzle to solve a place that needs fixing or just a bit of straightening up. That is why I fell for the addicted over and over so much work to be done. I knew I could help I had the power to make things better and they really liked my help for awhile. Until whatever they were addicted to got jealous and wanted me out of the picture.
I was hurt over and over again volunteering to give over my life to a cause and then being surprised that it wasn't appreciated in the least. Now I know my mind just really likes complicated things. It gets bored and starts looking around for entertainment. I use to just do whatever anyone wanted me to do just to stay busy and keep my mind distracted.
I would find myself doing things that I really had no interest whatsoever in doing. I blamed others for sucking me in I guess I thought I couldn't say no. Now I just do what I want and sometimes there isn't anything I really want to do and I have to accept that this is where I am. It is at times like these that my mind causes me a lot misery looking here an there to point out things that need to be done. I hear those words "what is wrong with you? Look at all that needs to be done and you are doing nothing."
I can and have done a lot in my life. Getting things done can give you a moment of happiness but then what is next? Luckily my job keeps me plenty busy and keeps my mind off my back. It is only when I am home alone to long that things get ugly. Sometimes I am not interested in being productive and the battle begins.
I always know that this conflict will pass and tomorrow I will be back to work. Thank God for work.