I have a lot of under the surface emotions this time of year. I am grateful for this because it is no longer surface feelings that control the way I feel about myself. It is all old news and just writing about it gives it the only life it has for me anymore. I am not going to write about it this year.
When we think about the events in our lives it gives them life. Sometimes the story we recall are just embellishments of the truth of things. Like "that was the happiest time of my life" when the real truth if we scrub it down we can see that it wasn't. This is how we survive and pass the time in our heads. If only that had not happened things would still be as perfect as I remember. Fat chance.
For me I have always imagined that if I had had a mother that loved me for more than 11 years I would be a more happy and fulfilled person now. Recently I have been working on writing an embellished story of the events of an eight year old girl being raised in a pentecostal home with a mother that had cancer.
This is interesting to go back. It is for sure embellished because my parents kept it from me. They told me my mother was sick but God would heal her so not to worry. I was eight and we were fundamentalist and I believed my parents. I went on with my eight year old life.
Everything I knew about life was black and white it wasn't until life trashed me over and over that I found out that no matter how many times you do the right thing or prepare you can get blind sided. Black and white is not a mature view of life in my opinion. Having this view makes you think if something bad happens there is someone to blame and it you can't find someone you blame yourself for not being good enough. God would not have let that happen if you were doing his will.
In my mind there was no better christian than my mother. Every day she - prayed out loud for hours - read her Bible - never spoke badly about anyone - did missionary work - never bought herself anything new. I wonder when I see church on tv today what she would think of the big business church has become. She would say "that is none of our business to judge what they are doing it is God's business to do the judging". She would be right of course
She didn't prepare me for the real world while she was living. She didn't prepare me for people that weren't like her. How people can say they are Christians can do terribly mean things in the name of Jesus. When I was treated badly I always thought it was my fault why else would they be acting that way.
I am mature emotionally now maybe. I can see that hurt people hurt people and it is mostly nobodies fault. As an adult you can step back and decide whether you want to continue to have this person in your life. The other option is to detach and not take it personally. This is hard because sometimes people know you so well that they can easily push your buttons and you feel stuck the way you felt stuck as a child. Just remember you are not stuck anymore and after the meal you can pack up and go home. You have the power even if you don't believe it.
It the holiday for being with the people that stir up those old stories you have about yourself. Take heart you can detach and know that in the future you can embellish this years Thanksgiving any way you want. It doesn't really matter now does it? Be happy with where you are now all grown up. Maybe.
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