I have spent a lot time alone this holiday. Being alone shows me exactly where I am emotionally and ultimately spiritually. I have been doing some writing this weekend about my childhood journey and my mother's sickness. The writing started out very objective but scene after scene that I relived started to feel physically heavy to me and I wanted to run. Could I still have emotions tied to something so long ago? The running is really the painful part not actually feeling the emotions.
In an attempt to run emotionally I actually decided to physically run on my treadmill. Now you know this is definitely a desperate way to avoid having feeling when you would rather exercise. At first it really worked focused and sweating I was moving fast. Then the old song I think it is called What's Going On started to play. When the emotions came to the surface tears streamed down my face.
I am writing about a little girl who was living in a household where something was wrong but no one was talking about it. Even when it was obvious that there was a secret and things were happening but it was clear to me that I shouldn' ask questions so I didn't.
We were told that if you don't speak the words of faith that the miracle you are looking for will certainly not happen. If we doubted that God would heal my mother then she wouldn't be healed. I took that to heart and assumed that she would be healed because that is what I was told.
When she died I couldn't understand how that could have happened. During the years of her sickness I learned how to be autonomous. Before her sickness I was the problem child demanding with ADD and an endless stream of ideas and questions about everything. When she got sick I learned to take care of my own needs and stay out of the way as much as possible. Be helpful or be invisible if I could. Even before she was sick my life was easier when I entertained myself alone in my room or in the basement. I didn't get in trouble or get whippings and everyone seem happier especially my mother when I stayed out of the way..
I have felt like that throughout my life and during extreme periods of pain and sadness I especially didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Until writing about this time in my life this weekend I didn't really see that this is how I came to be who I am now and why I don't reach out. Why the only person I have ever really trusted with my emotions was ex husband and that ended with him running away screaming.
People like strong people and I have been strong since those early days in the basement. My sister recently told me that when she was leaving for college at 17 she didn't want to leave me with my stepmother and I said to her "don't worry I will be fine I can take of myself." In her mind this gave her permission to not worry about me. She was telling this story saying "you said I could go." I was twelve and evidently had the authority to do that.
I am not a fan of re hashing the past like I am doing in this blog today but sometimes when you have spaces in your life and you don't try to fill them with some kind of entertainment even exercise you can have a spiritual awakening that can cause you to cry while running on a treadmill.
I can see where the idea that I should take care of myself came from and why I believe everyone should be responsible for themselves and work through their own problems. I have helped a lot of people along the way realizing they weren't like me autonomous but something happen and I have grown tired. I take take care of myself and try not to be a burden to anyone.
I know this is wrong and that I do need emotional support and I need to support others. I will see where this thinking leads me.
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