I have had a lot of space in my life lately. I can't put my finger on why I feel this vast emptiness all around me. It doesn't exactly feel bad it just feels I have stepped back from my life to take a look. I feel strange and un-attached from even myself.
I use to think every feeling I had was emotional or spiritual but now I think is mostly physical. What I am eating or not eating in some cases. I have been on the Keto eating plan for about six weeks virtually no carbs - moderate protein and high fat. I can have sweets if I use Stevia the only sweetener that does not raise blood sugar. The premise behind this way of eating is to make body run on fat for fuel. Starting with consuming high fat and ultimately having your body switch to the fat you are carrying around.
Over the years I have cut out some life time habits. Here in the south we drink sweet tea from about the time we can drink from a cup. I realized more than ten years back that I was giving my body a steady flow of sugar all day everyday so I stopped. I was on Diet Coke when I was with my ex because that was our drug of choice. I remember coming home from a long day at work and sitting down with just me and a diet coke. Sweeteners used in diet drinks is also addictive so I quit.
I thought the Keto eating plan was something that I could do pretty easily. The weirdest thing about it for me is that with the fat you are just not that hungry. When you are running on sugar when you are over the initial buzz or for me sedation you feel hungry again. The other day I watched my co-worker who consistently gains and loses 20 pounds sneaking into the office office of another co-worker who keeps a big candy dish in her office. She does this when she is stressed. I did this with her a few years ago and ended getting the flu they both had. I solved that by buying my own candy. You can't just have a little it starts the craving again.
It is funny or maybe not it is just like any addiction. It starts with a physical craving then all the justifications on why you need it and how you can control it this time. Just a little this time. They say that sugar does to the brain and the liver the same thing that alcohol does. I guess this is why sober folks sometimes have the insatiable sweet tooth. A study of mice given cocaine were offered many other substance and stayed with the cocaine until they were offered sugar and then they switched.
My point to this post is that my brain is changing chemically with this diet. I have lost the actual warm and fuzzy thoughts I used to have around food. I piece of candy is not going to help me make it through boring chores at work and I don't drive home from work thinking about the bag of corn chips I have in my pantry anymore. It is really weird not to want those things.
So I have spaces in my life right now and it feels very strange to me. Yesterday I was uneasy with the space but didn't just fill with something. I did some things around the house but focused on being okay with the anxiousness that space sometimes gives you. I want my life choices to be deliberate and not just cause I need to kill some time.
I haven't been part of the regular world since my first marriage when I tried so hard to create the childhood I lost. When that ended I quit trying at all to make my life look like anything in particular. I could see all the stress of keeping up was mindless and empty in the end. None of what is out there will ever really satisfy us long term. Do what gives you joy with people that you love. Be okay with the empty spaces we know they never last for too long.
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