It scares me when I have too much free time. I have worked hard to try to un-clutter my life and do things that feel authentic to me instead of running scared and filling each moment with something. When I was grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have with the people I thought I would have it with I packed my life with any kind of distraction possible. Only when I stopped did the healing start.
Being on my own has given me the opportunity to really wallow in my aloneness to a point of narcissism some might say but it does have healing power. While writing about my childhood I was able to see why I get stuck. It triggered something pretty core to who I am. It has made me see that since the very beginning I have been too much or at least this is the impression I got somewhere early on. I was ADD and my parents were offered medication which they declined. Then my mother got a terminal diagnoses of cancer and I was still a hand full. In my writing I did stay out of the way as much as possible since I knew I was a problem. Spending hours and hours in our basement alone.
Yesterday I was fighting some version of depression. Not the deep down version I experienced years ago but the kind where you just don't have the desire to do anything in particular and since I have deliberately downsized my life I could go with it. It felt pretty awful and my negative inside person wanted to run and also point out how this was going to be what the rest of my life looked like so I better get use to it.
I have learned to trust these days and instead of listening too carefully to that voice I decided to get up make myself a healthy dinner that included steak and big salad. I then went back to my room and watched all the TV I wanted without guilt.
I chose a few different movies at random and was able to pick out phrases that I could relate to. In the movie "To The Bone" about younger people with eating disorders one character said "I don't see the point of life". I recognized this as depression a emotional thought that the brain holds on to that is get worse without food. When I was depressed I didn't eat and when I did it was crap. My thoughts were bad and they repeated over and over. In never linked the food to my feelings.
I thought about when I was stuck the kinds of paralyzing thoughts the kept me there for a long time. I couldn't see a solution to the problem. I didn't want to be where I was but I couldn't change that so I totally shut down. In the movie the doctor says "she has to choose to decide that things can be different." This is what happened to me one day while in a catatonic state sitting on my the floor of my porch a voice said to me. "You are doing this to yourself."
It was a turning point for me. I was choosing to listen to the voice that was telling me that my situation was my fault. I was left because there was something about me that was not lovable. I had proof because everyone that I thought loved and cared about me had left me. Being me was "too much".
This is my core belief about myself that keeps me isolated. I use to do everything for everybody to earn my keep. When I had my meltdown I stopped doing for others and everyone ran away. This only proved my point that I wasn't enough just as I am. Relationships built on what I brought to the table and when I didn't have anything to bring there were only a few left there.
My sister once told me during a Christmas visit to her house that my husband left me because I was too much. This was a few years ago and after that visit I slipped way back into depression.
I am happy today. You probably thought this was a sad post but after withdrawing yesterday I can see that my belief that I am too much has plagued me most of my life. It is the source of my pain. I might be too much sometis and just like everybody else. I can decide that I am who I am and way I was made.
I can accept myself as I am and not worry how you might feel about me. I always do my best even when it might not be good enough it is all I have. As far as my sister saying I was too much for my active alcoholic husband well he was definitely too much for me in the end. He could charm the world and come home to emotionally abuse me. That was too much.
My gift to you is this holiday is to decide to take care of yourself. See yourself as good enough to be taken care of physically as well as spiritually. Eat well and lay off the carbs and fat is good for you.
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