The clarity that I am feeling right now is astonishing I can't say that I have ever felt like this before in my adult life. I feel like I have step back and I am taking an inventory of someone else's life. My mind is very clear and I feel a sense of freedom.
I am giving the credit to couple of different things first sadly I have given up sugar and most carbs. I started this the first week in November and have lost about ten pounds. You have to know me to understand I am not into to suffering or restriction of any kind and have not been on a diet since my husband urged me to go to Weight Watchers when I was 27 and weighed 120 pounds.
I weighed a lot less than that after he left me and I wanted to disappear all together. He cooked massive meals for us and was 6' 4" and weighed 170 pounds. He came to bed with milkshakes every night to keep weight on. This was me trying to be perfect so he would continue to love me.
Anyway my point is I don't chase after anyone else's ideas of a quick fix I prefer to start out with small changes and see if I can integrated them into my life. I also think the stars must be aligned to be successful with any change you want to make in your life.
For me this means picking a time when I don't have too many balls in the air already. Starting in November just before the holiday and a visit from my family maybe wasn't great timing but I had been abstaining from sugar and carbs a few weeks before they got here. I ate three Krispy Kreme donuts during their visit but I didn't beat myself up about it.
Krispy Kreme donuts have been a family tradition with me and my sister since she got her drivers licence at 16 and we drove to downtown Atlanta at 11 o'clock at night on a Saturday to get hot donuts. My grandmother in tow begging us not to go and offering us frozen donuts from her freezer. This was the one and only bonding times we had after my mother died. My father was out finding us a new mother.
With clarity today I can see how much my beliefs about myself have shaped my life. I always knew I was too much and how even before my mother died I never felt really comfortable just being myself and I decided that spending time alone was probably best for everyone. When she got sick being invisible was re enforced. I learned to be fully self supporting declining all outside contributions.
I didn't mind really I had a lot ideas and things I wanted to do and not having anyone looking over my shoulder gave me that freedom. I did have friends but my life was chaotic with hospital visits and church meetings and I learned to just manage myself.
When Daddy remarried I thought things would settle down. My sister went off to college at 17 and I was left with a completely new chaos to manage. I conformed to the circumstances I was given wearing the clothes that were chosen for me - eating the food that was fixed for me and spending the weekends with my new cousins. I did everything I could to just blend and not attract any attention but I felt like a target. Things could be going smoothly when my new little sister would call attention to me and start picking at me and before I knew it I was in trouble for something.
I think my point is that I have also worked hard to be invisible and just do what it takes to get the job done without attracting attention. In my relationships and my jobs I have moved mountains that no one really even knew were there and then resented not being appreciated. With my history and being taught to be humble at all times this has made me the invisible woman.
I have realized in just the last few weeks that I need to be a better promoter of myself at work and even in my personal life. I am seeing that being anonymous has shaped my life and maybe doing something different is worth a try.
This post has been all over the place I admit but I think the clarity of my new eating and supplement plan plus the down time I have had this past month has given me clarity. I heard a line in a movie recently "one small adjustment to make our life work." I actually wrote it down because it resonated so strongly with me.
I love that the progam open my eyes to the fact people can change if they want to. We are not stuck with who we are or who other people told us we were this is only in our minds. We can choose to do the work and be who want to be and find happiness and joy.
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